Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Thirty Two Ways To Get Your Boot Camp Instructor To Give You Ten Press Ups

  1. Pretend not to hear when he yells through his loud speaker
  2. Call a taxi mid session
  3. Offer everyone free Starbucks if they stage a sit in with you
  4. Complain
  5. About Anything
  6. Even lack of refreshments
  7. Especially about lack of refreshments
  8. Refuse to 'wake your butt' by slapping it vigorously and with passion
  9. Enquire about the need for passion when slapping butt
  10. Refuse to slap your butt in front of three teenage boys
  11. Joke about slapping other people's butts
  12. Slapping other people's butts
  13. Making up what you ate last night
  14. Arguing that chocolate is raw and therefore counts
  15. Agreeing to work hard and smirking
  16. Smirking
  17. Laughing when doing the plank
  18. Talking when doing the plank
  19. Telling jokes when doing the plank
  20. Not concentrating when doing the plank
  21. Not taking the plank seriously
  22. Doing the plank badly
  23. Failing in plank performing
  24. Bringing gin to a session
  25. Swapping instructors Evian for gin
  26. Laughing at gin spitting
  27. Producing tonic water
  28. And an ice bucket
  29. Taking a picture of instructor swigging gin
  30. Refusing to hand over your camera
  31. Posting gin swigging on facebook
  32. Writing expose stylee blog posts

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Get Over Here So I Can Kick Your Ass Personally

OK guys, I've signed up for a Bootcamp. At the risk of being accused of attention seeking (moi?) I'm going to give you another chance to read that sentence in lots of little dramatic sentences: I've. Signed. Up. For. Bootcamp. Did you hear me at the back? Audible gasps please and a change of background scenery if you will, to one befitting GI Jane et al, complete with abs you could mistake as breasts. Because that's going to be me! Me! With breast abs and everything. Just imagine, Husband won't know whether to jump me or milk me (a gross too far? Sorry mum).
I still can't quite believe I've done it. I mean, I am far, far away from the ab thing (I won't mention the breast thing again, a case of over milking the cow don't you think?), about several vats of Chardonnay and hours of Oprah reruns away. If I ever do attempt any sort of exercise, and sitting down and standing up count, I only succeed in making everyone else gasp at their own relative super-fitness as I stagger behind sounding like an asthmatic wombat. I did once (once) drag my sorry soggy arse (Americans that's Ass to you, I put it in the title to help, sometimes I'm all heart) on a 5Km race only for it to take so long that the bin men picked me up on their rounds the next morning. By now you're getting the gist: Me+Exercise=Diseased Wombat+Soggy Arse, not an equation I would like to foist on any adolescent maths class.
So I'm quite pleased with myself really, it really shows determination and forward thinking doesn't it? In fact, I'm positively a forward planner, gasp at my organisational skills! Marvel at my strength of character! Envy my multi tasking endeavors! (you have to move arms and legs together you know). In short, this is a fantastic achievement for me.
Obviously I have yet to start the bootcamp, the first session is on Thursday, but still, it says a lot about how far I've come surely?
And I promise I'm going to do it, every week and everything, not least because I've paid £97 for the privilege. Yup, mouths closed please, £97 of my hard earned cash. £97 for someone to kick my ass, and it's not hard to miss; it's been used in emergencies to hold up dams.
I have paid someone to shout at me, make me run around outside, get me muddy, sweaty, laugh at my nail varnish, and generally abuse me in much the manner of a psycho. I have, in short, rented a psycho, one who I plan to meet alone at 8.30am (this just gets better and better doesn't it) in the park. Reading this back I conclude astutely that this may not have been my brightest moment.
Not only all of the above, but psycho shouting person has furnished me with a welcome pack. Do not be fooled dear reader as I was that this welcome pack includes anything so welcoming as a cheery hello or a lighthearted suggestion that I go shopping post haste for some shiny new exercise gear. Crikey they didn't even throw in a free chocolate bar, surely, surely the cornerstone of any great welcome pack?
But oh no, this welcome pack contained a five page diatribe of all things I have to give up: food, chocolate, alcohol, sex, (joke, Husband, joke) during the next four weeks, and all the things I'm expected to do: exercise, not ask questions, run at the double, cry only when instructed and keep an honest food diary.
Which is my sticking point to be honest, I mean how on earth am I expected to keep an honest food diary without lying? I'm working hard on it obviously in case I starve but really, why include the word honest? It's just more abuse as far as I'm concerned, why can't they just say keep a food diary then I can write whatever I like. In fact I'd keep Paula Radcliffe's diary, that'd impress them, think how much praise I'd get for that; they may even furnish me with a medal, Oprah would have me on her sofa, I'd jump up and down on it vigorously shouting "I love it! I LOVE it! Then everyone would know I had a film to promote and go and see it. I'd then have a baby that looked like Katie Holmes and all would be right with the world. See where lying gets you? A Hollywood career and a pretty baby that's where.
Anyway, I've been working through the night and I think I can wing it; I can call chips potato (which is good for you, baked, no butter), ice cream could be frozen fruit dessert (I will put fruit on the chocolate midnight cookie ice cream), dairylea sandwiches could be savory protein spread on wholemeal bread (I will put some wholemeal flour on the white bread), mayonnaise could be egg and olive oil smoothie, wine could be organic grape juice (I will buy organic wine) and pizza could be finest Italian bread with sieved tomatoes and savory protein.
But chocolate? Cake? I'm all out of ideas.
So here's the competition: the best viable alternative names for chocolate and cake wins a picture of me participating at bootcamp*. It'll be worth it I swear**

*may not be picture of author
**not a guarantee

Sunday, 5 September 2010

Things I Have Said To My Parents Today

  • I came as quickly as I could
  • Well it sounded pretty urgent
  • When you phoned
  • You know
  • You phoned about twenty minutes ago
  • Saying get here quickly
  • Well
  • I got here quickly
  • Where's mum?
  • Out?
  • Well what's the problem
  • What chaffing?
  • Where?
  • Oh crikey
  • Just tell me what it's like
  • Uhuh
  • Umm
  • Errr
  • Well dad it sounds like you have piles
  • Piles
  • Haemorrhoid's
  • Little painful sores
  • Where do you think?
  • Around err
  • Around um
  • Well where you said it was painful
  • I'm sure it's nothing to worry about
  • No thanks
  • No no, that's fine
  • I said no
  • Please Dad
  • I don't think an inspection is necessary
  • Oh Lord
  • Well
  • Err
  • Yup,
  • Definitely piles
  • Well I can see them
  • Yes they are impressive
  • I'll take your word that they're worse than mum's
  • Oh Hi Mum
  • Yes it's me
  • Looking at Dad's piles
  • What do you mean you've inspected them already?
  • He said it was an emergency
  • And that you were out
  • You were where?
  • Getting pile ointment?
  • Well why did he get me to come over?
  • Oh
  • To see if they were bigger than mum's
  • Thanks dad
  • I'm sure they are
  • No thanks Mum
  • I really really don't want to compare
  • I wouldn't be useful
  • Or impartial
  • Well I'd probably go blind
  • And have to call a therapist
  • I'm not being dramatic
  • Or over reacting
  • Oh OK,
  • That's a great idea
  • Yes, you call the neighbour
  • I'm sure Barry would love to be the independent adjudicator
  • I'm sure he is very fair at scrabble