Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Thirty Nine Reasons Not To Get A Cat

  1. Because you already have a dog
  2. A mental one
  3. With a possible eating disorder
  4. Who still hasn't forgiven you for removing his balls
  5. Or calling him Twizzle
  6. They eat food that smells like a toilet
  7. They have a toilet in your kitchen
  8. Even the dog isn't allowed a toilet in the kitchen
  9. Even Husband isn't allowed a toilet in the kitchen
  10. Despite what he thinks
  11. You are expected to clean up their toilet
  12. Never ever Husband
  13. They sleep on your feet peacefully
  14. Until you are asleep
  15. Then they eat your head
  16. Never ever Husband's head
  17. Who insists you are paranoid
  18. They need their gonads removing
  19. They have spent the night locked in the kitchen with the dog
  20. Who has had his gonads removed
  21. And told them the whole sorry tail
  22. And pointed out that animals are the only males in the household to have their gonads removed
  23. Husband still has to get his done
  24. Despite what he may think
  25. They attempt to mate each other
  26. They are brothers
  27. They attempt to mate the dog
  28. Which is ill advised
  29. Just ask next door's cat
  30. Once his head brace is removed
  31. They never ever come when you call them
  32. They do what suits them
  33. They look at you with contempt
  34. They eat all your food
  35. And never thank you
  36. They resemble the rest of the family
  37. Because you would have liked a parakeet
  38. One that said thankyou
  39. And maybe came with gonads pre removed

Friday, 8 October 2010

Things I Have Said To My Husband Today

  • Uuggghhhhhh
  • Huh?
  • Oh
  • Hi darling
  • Did you have a good night?
  • A very good night from the looks of it
  • Ummmm
  • Darling
  • It's 2am
  • I'm asleep
  • Night
  • Errr
  • Sweetheart
  • Can you move the kebab off my pillow?
  • That one
  • That kebab
  • The one spilling ketchup everywhere
  • Oh
  • Right
  • That's really kind of you
  • Thankyou
  • Yes I love my kebab
  • It's really kind of you
  • I do appreciate it
  • It's just that it's 2am
  • Can't I eat it in the morning?
  • I do love you
  • Yes I really do feel how much you love me
  • I do want the kebab
  • I love you and I love the kebab
  • I do hear how much you love me
  • Yes I really really love you too
  • I do mean it
  • I do appreciate the kebab
  • Ok just one bite
  • because I love you
  • See?
  • I love you
  • Because I'm sitting up at 2am eating a cold kebab
  • Did you have a great night?
  • How were Pokey, Stu and Bucket Head?
  • Oh good
  • Any sign of a girlfriend?
  • Or a shower?
  • Oh
  • Never mind
  • Did you hear that noise?
  • That noise
  • That scraping sound
  • It's what?
  • What?
  • Here?
  • Pokey, Stu and Bucket Head
  • Well where have you put them
  • Outside our door?
  • On the floor
  • So they can hear everything

Things I Have Said To Pokey, Stu And Bucket Head Tonight

  • Errr
  • Hi Guys
  • Good night?
  • Excellent
  • Excellent
  • Oh thanks
  • Yes lovely
  • I'm really glad you thought to bring me a kebab
  • Yummy
  • I am eating it
  • Yes I love my kebab
  • And I love you all
  • Yes I can feel how much you all love me
  • Yes I love you too
  • Even you Bucket Head, yes
  • Um
  • Well
  • It's just
  • Could I ask that you all put some clothes on?
  • Left them where?
  • Well yes,
  • It was very thoughtful
  • No I wouldn't have liked muddy clothes walking through the house
  • Leaving them outside was a good idea, yes
  • It's just
  • Well
  • Maybe you could have remembered to take your shoes off too
  • And left your pants on