Pramtastic

Apparently you can buy a pram for £880, my friend Catherine saw it on the internet. £880. And that's not for one of those fancy buggy come car seat come cot come first-car-when-they-turn-seventeen. Oh no, this is just a pram. A seat on four wheels to push your toddler around in (or toddler's dolly while toddler walks slower than a mothball admiring every molecule along the route. Twice). Husband reckons he could knock one up in the garage for £4.50 (coming to ebay soon, hold your breath) so by his reckoning, he logics, that's a profit of £875.50. You could buy a small car for that he grumbled into his Horlicks while cleaning his bifocals on his cardi. Quite.

The price is justified, hints the advert, because it's made of leather. You know, that stuff that absorbs water and stays sodden for days even after the slightest down pour, weighing as much as Belgium. The stuff we wear on our feet all day and get for £8 in Tesco. Who on Earth would buy a leather pram? For £4.50 let alone £880? Even if you were a multi millionnarie surely you'd have more sense? This pram is destined to be a walking depository for all things liquid/mucous/crumbly/sticky. It will act as a barrier to big dogs, be rolled recklessly over dirty puddles, be used as temporary highchair/bed/naughty step. Why oh why wouldn't you buy the one that has a wipe clean seat, anti sticky material, a tissue pocket that dispenses perfectly sized tissues for the nose of a toddler, a mini vaccuum cleaner, a dog whistle and a pull out naughty step? Ok it doesn't actually exist but I'd be far more likely to buy it at £880 if it did.

Actually maybe not, it's still an horrendous amount. For £880 it would have to get up with Isla and Jack, bath, feed and de-sticky them, take them to the park itself, buy them an ice cream and stroll back gently so that just the right amount of rocking motion was produced to lull Jack back to sleep. It would then creep quietly back inside, put Isla in front of Cbeebies, Jack into bed and wake me gently with a cup of tea and no chatter. Oh yes, now I see. A pram for £880? Where do I sign?