Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Ask Millennium Housewife!

It has come to my attention that a lot of you need help. A lot of you need a lot of help. Due to the credit crunch and the lack therefore of ready cash I am offering a brand new service on this blog called Ask Millennium Housewife! A cheap alternative to the therapy you all so obviously need every month right here.
Now, I don't claim to be qualified in any way, or indeed be more able than you are to solve your problems but having spent years solving my own problems I thought I'd give yours a shot. So how about it? Free advice from someone of thirty odd years of experience? Not to be sniffed at I tell you.
Anyway, in true Blue Peter style a few Facebook friends have been asking advice for a while so I'll start with them. I don't know that they meant their problems to be solved quite so publicly so I'll use initials, you know who you are.

K. from Newcastle writes:
Dear Millennium Housewife, my two year old daughter appears to be more popular than me and it's worrying. Help!

Millennium Housewife writes:
Dear K, you are right to be worried, no one likes being upstaged by a two year old, there's plenty of time for that when she turns eighteen and you realise she's the one everybody is wolf whistling at and you're the haggard old woman reflected in the shop window. However, all toddlers are popular, so I doubt that the problem lies with your daughter being more popular than average. Oh, no, I think the problem may lie with you being less popular than average. It may be time to have a long hard think about things. For instance, when looking in the mirror are you simply relieved to see at least one friend? Do you fore go deodorant? Toothpaste? A daily shower? Do your eyebrows knit in one long loo brush like shape? Do you, perchance, have a penchant for growling while walking, swinging one arm madly while hunching over a pine cone? Think about it, a 'yes' to any of the above may be the answer to your problem.
If you have an 'other half' (a real flesh and blood one, not the one you talk to loudly between growls in the park) you could ask him/her to watch out for any of the signs I've mentioned and try to correct them
When you've established the cause of your unpopularity and taken steps to remedy it, take your toddler to the park and attempt to make friends by smiling and nodding to people. Don't forget to put down your pine cone and tie your arm to your side, you'll look a lot more approachable this way.
When people smile back at you, attempt a light conversation along the lines of the weather or what day it is (make sure you know what day it is or this bit may fail). Smile and nod a lot, but you're going for friendly and approachable remember, not friendless and worried you might be unhinged, even though that appears to be true.
Hope this helps. MH

J from Solihull writes:
Dear Millennium Housewife, I have a friend who runs too fast, what can I do?

Millennium Housewife writes:

Dear J, I know you, and I know the friend you are talking about. You may find that this friend's Husband is dangling a large bottle of Chardonnay in front of her to help her run fast, the old donkey and carrot trick rarely fails. Simply remove the wine from in front of your friend and all should be well. Better still dangle the wine behind her and watch her reverse. Hours of fun. MH

B from Warwick writes:
Dear Millennium Housewife, I am finding myself less and less inclined to go to the gym, but when I don't I end up putting on a lot of weight. Do you have an answer for me?

Millennium Housewife writes:
B, I think you just need to see this in a whole new light. Surely there is a way to eat a lot, not put on weight and not go to the gym? There is, and I'm going to share it with you.
Let us first look at the whale, a large creature admittedly, but perfect in proportion to what a whale should look like. But do you ever see a whale at the gym? Do whales ever congregate in the park for a spot of exercise? Do whales write to Millennium Housewife worrying about such things? In a word no. And why? Because they eat krill. That's right, they eat tiny tiny things all the time and never get fat.
So that's what you've got to do. Eat single celled organisms only and maintain that waist line forever. I suggest you start with amoeba and move on to other organisms as and when you feel your digestion can take it. Start in your neighbour's pond if you haven't got one yourself and swim slowly and gently around with your mouth wide open at all times collecting as much amoeba as you can. Repeat this everyday to prevent hunger pangs and try to keep it up in your sleep too. If whales can do it, you can. Good Luck MH

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Things I Have Said To My Husband Today

  • Yes I know you try, I just thought we could make it a rule
  • You're very good at putting your suit ready for the dry cleaners
  • And checking the pockets, yes
  • It's just that today at the dry cleaners your underpants flew out of your trousers and hit the dry cleaning lady in the face
  • Followed by your socks
  • It was not her lucky day it was really embarrassing
  • Well could you check your clothes for underwear before putting them in the dry cleaning bag?
  • And while we're at it could you put your underwear in the dirty washing basket
  • It's in the laundry
  • Next to the kitchen
  • In the kitchen there's a door, behind it is the laundry
  • I'll show you
  • No I won't take your underwear while I'm at it
  • What do you mean Camilla wouldn't make you pick up your underwear?
  • Camilla's your secretary
  • I know she thinks you're great but that doesn't prove the underwear thing
  • No we're not calling her to ask
  • Put the phone down
  • I said put the phone down

Things I Have said To Camilla Today

  • Hi Camilla
  • Yes I know
  • Sorry he called
  • It wasn't a row I just wanted him to pick his underwear up
  • You would make him if you lived with him I swear

Things I Have Said To My Husband Today

  • That was really embarrassing
  • No not as embarrassing as the pants hitting the dry cleaning lady in the face
  • Yes nearly as embarrassing as you mentioning vibrators in front of My Mother
  • She still asks about that you know
  • About what it is
  • And how one might use one
  • And where one might buy one from
  • And whether my Dad might like one for Christmas
  • I know you said they were fun
  • Well she thinks it's some kind of hand warmer
  • And that maybe Dad could use one at the football in the winter
  • Well yes it does get quite chilly
  • You're missing the point
  • You've opened a whole Pandora's box
  • One where My Mother uses the word vibrator liberally and without restraint
  • Not just at Church
  • At the supermarket in front of the cream cakes
  • Well it put me off cream cakes for a start
  • Maybe you're right
  • OK, get her one for Christmas and let her solve it for herself
  • Just don't let Dad take it to the football

Monday, 6 April 2009

Things I Have Learned When Running Your First Ever 10km Race

  1. You are there to do your best, not win, so run as slowly as you can, in fact walk if you feel like it.
  2. If older/fatter/greyer people finish before you it's because of the drugs.
  3. You can alleviate some of the boredom of long distance running by mentally calculating how many calories you will have burned once you reach the finish line. Don't forget to add an extra 200 onto the tally for luck.
  4. Other people's bottoms wobble, don't laugh and point.
  5. Never, ever announce you're going to do a Paula Radcliffe and pretend to drop your drawers by the side of the road, your running buddies won't find it funny and may run off leaving you behind with half your bottom hanging out and a salvation army man approaching with a Stern Look.
  6. When running past official race photographers remember to watch where you are going rather than trying to angle them your best side, they also don't take kindly to requests for another shot in case you angled that one badly.
  7. The refreshment stand does not serve ice cream.
  8. Race marshalls who shout enthusiastically that you can do it should not be punched in the mouth.
  9. Any questions regarding an alleged punching of a race marshall in the mouth can wait until the end of the race, whatever the policeman says.
  10. If your friend finishes 10 minutes ahead of you ignore her for one week. It's her own fault for doing more training.
  11. At some point if you really feel you're ready to quit, imagine the pain and humiliation of handing Husband the £10 he bet you.
  12. Short cuts will not be tolerated. Nor will attempts to bribe the race marshal.
  13. Organisers will not stop the clock for you if you decide to have a bit of a sit down. Even if you cry.
  14. Do not say beep beep in a condescending way to someone you are overtaking, they will overtake you later and laugh.
  15. Do not be discouraged when being overtaken by a large, vertical armadillo.
  16. On the final 100m it is futile to try to claw back 10 minutes by running really fast.
  17. Never, I repeat, never question the accuracy of the Official Clock, they can take your medal away.
  18. There isn't any chocolate in the goody bag.
  19. A muesli bar does not make up for lack of chocolate.
  20. The medal isn't made of gold. And isn't worth it.
  21. The fish and chips, plus donut, on the way home really, really is.