Monday, 21 June 2010

Books I Am Planning To Write

  • De Worm Your Family In Seconds
  • How To Ask Your Friends To De Worm Without Giving Yourself Away
  • Concealing Worm Medicine In Sandwiches
  • Sex Education For Six Year Olds - the avoidance approach
  • Sex Education For Six Year Olds - how to defer to your Husband
  • Sex Education For Three Year Olds- how to defer to your six year old
  • Lose Fifteen Pounds Instantly - put your toddler down
  • Get Your Kids Hooked On Veg! alternative uses for nicotine
  • Sex! And Other Ways To Jewelery, Attention and Shoes
  • Talking To Teachers: tuck your shirt in and stand up straight
  • Child Proof Your House: lock them out
  • Crikey Your Pecs Look Good! and other ways to get your husband to do absolutely anything*

*not a guarantee

Saturday, 12 June 2010

Things I have said To My Parents Today

  • Hiya
  • Hellooooo
  • Mum?
  • Dad?
  • Muuuum
  • Daaaaad
  • The doors open
  • It's only me
  • Where are you?
  • Oh Good Lord Jesus Christ
  • Err
  • Hi mum
  • Hi dad
  • Sorry
  • Sorry to er
  • Well disturb you I suppose
  • I'll just
  • errr
  • Look over here
  • La la la la la
  • La la la la la
  • No no
  • No trouble
  • I'm not behaving strangely
  • It's just
  • Well
  • It's not what I expected to see
  • Not in that position anyway
  • I'm sure it was in a book
  • No thanks
  • I really don't want to borrow it
  • I'm sure it is informative
  • With clear illustrations
  • But I don't need the book
  • I'm not embarrassed
  • I'm well aware you're not embarrassed
  • It's just
  • Well
  • What will the neighbours think?
  • Well do you have to do it in the garden?
  • Well you should have stayed in the potting shed
  • I don't care if it was uncomfy
  • Dad's trowel?
  • Stuck where?
  • Oh Good Lord Jesus Christ
  • Sorry
  • Sorry for taking the Lord's name in vain
  • Twice
  • But the Lord would take his own name in vain if he knew about the trowel
  • I don't care what Oprah says
  • Why do you have to listen to Oprah?
  • I'm sure she does give great advice
  • About wallpaper
  • What did she suggest?
  • Spicing things up?
  • Couldn't you just have added curry powder or something?
  • Rather than doing it in the garden
  • In that position
  • Oh
  • OK
  • I'm going to write to Oprah

Things I Have Written To Oprah Today

Dear Ms Winfrey

Please could you do more programmes on things like home makeovers and being nice to other people, you're very good at them. My Mother watches you every day and they're her particular favourite.

Please could you stop doing programmes on sex for older people, specifically ones where you suggest new places for them to do it. The place they used to do it was just fine: in bed with the lights out on a Sunday. That way we all know where we are.

Many Thanks, and keep up the good work,

Millennium Housewife

PS, if you don't stop the sex stuff I'll tell you the trowel story.