Saturday, 12 June 2010

Things I have said To My Parents Today

  • Hiya
  • Hellooooo
  • Mum?
  • Dad?
  • Muuuum
  • Daaaaad
  • The doors open
  • It's only me
  • Where are you?
  • Oh Good Lord Jesus Christ
  • Err
  • Hi mum
  • Hi dad
  • Sorry
  • Sorry to er
  • Well disturb you I suppose
  • I'll just
  • errr
  • Look over here
  • La la la la la
  • La la la la la
  • No no
  • No trouble
  • I'm not behaving strangely
  • It's just
  • Well
  • It's not what I expected to see
  • Not in that position anyway
  • I'm sure it was in a book
  • No thanks
  • I really don't want to borrow it
  • I'm sure it is informative
  • With clear illustrations
  • But I don't need the book
  • I'm not embarrassed
  • I'm well aware you're not embarrassed
  • It's just
  • Well
  • What will the neighbours think?
  • Well do you have to do it in the garden?
  • Well you should have stayed in the potting shed
  • I don't care if it was uncomfy
  • Dad's trowel?
  • Stuck where?
  • Oh Good Lord Jesus Christ
  • Sorry
  • Sorry for taking the Lord's name in vain
  • Twice
  • But the Lord would take his own name in vain if he knew about the trowel
  • I don't care what Oprah says
  • Why do you have to listen to Oprah?
  • I'm sure she does give great advice
  • About wallpaper
  • What did she suggest?
  • Spicing things up?
  • Couldn't you just have added curry powder or something?
  • Rather than doing it in the garden
  • In that position
  • Oh
  • OK
  • I'm going to write to Oprah

Things I Have Written To Oprah Today

Dear Ms Winfrey

Please could you do more programmes on things like home makeovers and being nice to other people, you're very good at them. My Mother watches you every day and they're her particular favourite.

Please could you stop doing programmes on sex for older people, specifically ones where you suggest new places for them to do it. The place they used to do it was just fine: in bed with the lights out on a Sunday. That way we all know where we are.

Many Thanks, and keep up the good work,

Millennium Housewife

PS, if you don't stop the sex stuff I'll tell you the trowel story.

19 comments:

Eva Gallant said...

Too funny!

Magic Mummy said...

Ha ha ha This really made me laugh x

PhotoPuddle said...

Ha ha! Great post! Hope you're not too traumatised for life!

Eliza said...

That was so funny, thankfully (or maybe not) that'll never happen to me :-)

Expat mum said...

Good Lord. I'm going "La la la la" and I'm 4,000 miles away and 6 different time zones.
It has given me an idea for a post, which will be a very poor imitation of this (and you will get credit and a link) but my mother is staying for 3 weeks, so needs must......

Scar said...

Ohhh this made me smile!

MuddynoSugar said...

OMG - That is all. (you can probably here the laughing from there)

Brian Miller said...

oh my...i was watching the train wreck happen in slow motion...ok so maybe it was not trains you were talking about...oh my...lol.

trowel?

Val said...

Toooooooooo funny!!!
:D

Daenel said...

LOL Too funny!

private boarding school said...

Haha this made me laugh and cringe at the same time! I'm glad to have come across your blog :)

Jessica @ One Shiny Star said...

You kind of crack me up. This sounds like my inner dialogue. lol. Sorry about your parents... You might get a kick out of this. I'll just post it here instead of sending you some where, but this is what my Grandma did to me before I got married:

Two weeks before my wedding (and for the two weeks leading up to my wedding) my Grandmother approached me and my soon-to-be. It started as small talk, but then out of nowhere came this gem (directed at me):

“You should send John (not his real name) down to our apartment some time before you get married… because you know, it’s easy for guys to enjoy sex but the female orgasm is a real art, and I think it’s important for a husband to know how to pleasure his wife…”

*blink*

“And you know, I grew up in holywood and I had plenty of male friends who were gigolos, and so I know a lot about this subject…”

*stare*

“Okay sweetie?”

ummm… I had to politely decline for my finance’ who had probably passed out from embarrassment. We’re good in that department. lol. Up to this day she reminds me that it is a standing offer!

The Blonde Duck said...

I really want to hear the trowel story!

Jenn Erickson said...

Thanks for visiting Rook No. 17 today. I love your style and cracklin' wit! Hilarious! Brilliant! Jenn

nmaha said...

Hahaha..........I almost wet myself

diney said...

You will need counselling after seeing that!! Very funny!

Colleen @ MuralMaker&More said...

Love this, and the one to your husband. And the one about your grandmother! My goodness!

I stay with my mom (she's 82) 3 days a week. Most of the time we talk to each other at the same time, but somehow manage to know what we've said.

Thanks for stopping by the other day!

Mary Christine said...

Brilliant!

Clare Wassermann said...

Oh yes very mind boggling !! Thanks for your comment on my blog - it's funny isn't it; you made me blog and that made your daughter sew. A real proper case of what goes around comes around