Friday 19 March 2010

Things I Have Said To My Husband Today

  • No
  • No thanks
  • I said no
  • I don't want to pull your finger
  • Because I know what will happen
  • I do know
  • Because I've been married to you for years
  • It will not be different this time
  • It won't
  • Because I've been married to you for years
  • And every time you pass wind
  • Pass wind
  • It's the polite way to say it
  • I'm not doing it
  • I don't think I'll be pleasantly surprised this time
  • I'm not doing it
  • I'm sorry if you're getting desperate
  • Stop hopping around
  • I know it's trying to come out
  • Well just go to work
  • And do it in the car
  • Sorry if that's no fun
  • And your boss doesn't like it
  • Your finger does not need to be pulled
  • It's not a biological necessity
  • Or a unique quirk of your physique
  • Please don't try to dance your pecs when you say that
  • I'm sure it does impress your boos
  • And the lady at the checkout
  • Because I've been married to you for years
  • Just get ready for work
  • And put your finger away
  • You will not burst
  • I assure you
  • Stop hopping
  • Oh, ok
  • I said ok
  • I will make it a good one
  • Let's just get it done shall we?
  • Give me your finger
  • There
  • All better?
  • What?
  • What was I supposed to be pleasantly surprised about?
  • Oh
  • Well
  • Yes
  • I suppose it is your best yet
  • Yes aged oak with citrus undertones is what I was going for

Saturday 6 March 2010

Things I Have Said To My Mother Today

  • Oh hello
  • I didn't realise you were coming over
  • No you didn't
  • You didn't warn me
  • Well I'd have remembered
  • And been out
  • Yes I suppose you are here now
  • A cup of tea?
  • Oh OK
  • Yes the milk's fresh
  • What's that?
  • Your own mug?
  • I do wash up properly
  • And use good tea bags
  • You really didn't need to bring your own
  • Why don't you just sit down
  • And stop dusting the door
  • Over there
  • On the chair
  • You don't need to do that
  • Put a napkin on the chair
  • Before you sit on it
  • Because it's clean
  • OK, but just sit down
  • Lovely
  • Errr
  • Mother?
  • Those are interesting boots
  • Hmm
  • Very red
  • And shiny
  • And knee high
  • Yes you were lucky to get them in your size
  • I do like them
  • It's just that
  • Well
  • They're a bit
  • Um
  • Prostitutey
  • It's not a rude word
  • What woman in what shop?
  • Which shop did you go to
  • In town?
  • At the bottom of Mill Street?
  • Err
  • Was this shop woman rather large?
  • And tall for a woman?
  • Any sign of an adam's apple?
  • No, no
  • It's just that it's a transvestite shop
  • Transvestite
  • You know, women's clothes in men's sizes
  • Well some men like to
  • That's how you managed to get large boots
  • Lot's of men do
  • Sorry?
  • I thought you said like dad
  • You did
  • Ah
  • Err
  • I'll just pretend I didn't hear it
  • I'm not being prudish
  • I'd just rather not know
  • Yes I suppose I do know now
  • What girl's day out?
  • You and dad?
  • No thanks
  • I said no
  • I really don't want to join you on your next one
  • Because dad in a dress is not my dream excursion
  • I'm sure he does look very becoming
  • But I'd rather see him in his gardening trousers
  • Like I'm used to
  • I'm very sorry that he finds the look restricting
  • And rather drab
  • But it's just for a while
  • Until I leave the country