Saturday, 6 March 2010

Things I Have Said To My Mother Today

  • Oh hello
  • I didn't realise you were coming over
  • No you didn't
  • You didn't warn me
  • Well I'd have remembered
  • And been out
  • Yes I suppose you are here now
  • A cup of tea?
  • Oh OK
  • Yes the milk's fresh
  • What's that?
  • Your own mug?
  • I do wash up properly
  • And use good tea bags
  • You really didn't need to bring your own
  • Why don't you just sit down
  • And stop dusting the door
  • Over there
  • On the chair
  • You don't need to do that
  • Put a napkin on the chair
  • Before you sit on it
  • Because it's clean
  • OK, but just sit down
  • Lovely
  • Errr
  • Mother?
  • Those are interesting boots
  • Hmm
  • Very red
  • And shiny
  • And knee high
  • Yes you were lucky to get them in your size
  • I do like them
  • It's just that
  • Well
  • They're a bit
  • Um
  • Prostitutey
  • It's not a rude word
  • What woman in what shop?
  • Which shop did you go to
  • In town?
  • At the bottom of Mill Street?
  • Err
  • Was this shop woman rather large?
  • And tall for a woman?
  • Any sign of an adam's apple?
  • No, no
  • It's just that it's a transvestite shop
  • Transvestite
  • You know, women's clothes in men's sizes
  • Well some men like to
  • That's how you managed to get large boots
  • Lot's of men do
  • Sorry?
  • I thought you said like dad
  • You did
  • Ah
  • Err
  • I'll just pretend I didn't hear it
  • I'm not being prudish
  • I'd just rather not know
  • Yes I suppose I do know now
  • What girl's day out?
  • You and dad?
  • No thanks
  • I said no
  • I really don't want to join you on your next one
  • Because dad in a dress is not my dream excursion
  • I'm sure he does look very becoming
  • But I'd rather see him in his gardening trousers
  • Like I'm used to
  • I'm very sorry that he finds the look restricting
  • And rather drab
  • But it's just for a while
  • Until I leave the country

29 comments:

London City Mum said...

Please tell me you are making this up?!?
V v v funny - reminiscent of the scene in Bridget Jones when her mother is telling B all about her new sex life with Julio.... remember?

LCM x

Suburban Princess said...

Hilarious!!!

Aimee said...

My my my.... The accidental images we can never get out our heads.... And I've never even met your dad!!!

Clare Wassermann said...

I love this one! x

Tooting Squared said...

HA HA!
I started reading thinking how like my parents your parents are (bringing own tea bag and dusting the door) and finished reading thinking how different I HOPE they are!!! Poor you. Have a lie down and a stiff drink, dear. Maybe two ...

Vicus Scurra said...

Nice to have you back.

geraldgee said...

Encore....

Kelloggsville said...

missed you!!! Think I saw your Dad earlier today actually, rather tall, long blonde wig - with a smaller woman with red boots!!!!!!!!!!!

Eva Gallant said...

Priceless!

That one girl said...

Ha, you are awesome!

Heather said...

Nnnoooooo!

Moannie said...

I don't know whether this is funnier if it is true, or if you made it up.

hampshireflyer said...

Oh dear!! I've known relatives who bought dresses straight out of the maternity section and didn't realise but this is a step up :))

Mud in the City said...

Wow. When is the film coming out??!

Diney said...

I sat next to your Dad at a wedding recently I think!!

Very funny - hope your folks don't ready your blog!!
x

Expat mum said...

AArrgghh! TMI, TMI.

Nota Bene said...

oh no oh no oh no

geraldgee said...

Thing I said to Millennium Housewife today.....
Love it!

Adrenalynn said...

This post is hilarious! I'm with Moannie; I can't decided whether it's funnier if it's true or if you made it up :) Awesome.

Amber said...

Maybe you should ask your mother what a fupa is?!?! Because, she will tell you that you DON'T want one!!!!!! It's a very ugly mass of skin that hangs under your belly after you have a baby...well, in my case, after I have had 4 c-sections. It's just ugly! So, I am NOT looking forward to swimsuit season!!!!! Thanks for stopping by my blog.

Ginny Marie said...

Visiting from SITS...I can't imagine my mother in those red boots...my parents are a bit more...traditional, you might say!

Loved your post!

A Confused Take That Fan said...

Ooh your mum and dad, Katie Price and Alex could double date! Perfect.
Why don't you employ your mum as a cleaner? I would.

MommyLovesStilettos said...

Prostitutey. hahahahaa!!! I love it!

Working Mum said...

He he he! Very funny. But it's got to be an entirely fictitious post, hasn't it?

JulieB said...

Oh my goodness, hilarious. The first half of the post could be a conversation between me and my mother - the second half has to be fictitious though...!?

Erin said...

Prostitutely may be my new favorite word!

hausfrau said...

Wonderful! Like your other commentators I can't decide if this is funnier if true or too ghastly to be. Certainly it would be too much information if it were my parents.

Alcoholic Daze (ADDY) said...

Definitely too much information!! They remnd me of the parents in Bridget Jones.

Muddling Along Mummy said...

Please tell me you're making this up. Or that you have a good therapist! Lol