Monday, 6 April 2009

Things I Have Learned When Running Your First Ever 10km Race

  1. You are there to do your best, not win, so run as slowly as you can, in fact walk if you feel like it.
  2. If older/fatter/greyer people finish before you it's because of the drugs.
  3. You can alleviate some of the boredom of long distance running by mentally calculating how many calories you will have burned once you reach the finish line. Don't forget to add an extra 200 onto the tally for luck.
  4. Other people's bottoms wobble, don't laugh and point.
  5. Never, ever announce you're going to do a Paula Radcliffe and pretend to drop your drawers by the side of the road, your running buddies won't find it funny and may run off leaving you behind with half your bottom hanging out and a salvation army man approaching with a Stern Look.
  6. When running past official race photographers remember to watch where you are going rather than trying to angle them your best side, they also don't take kindly to requests for another shot in case you angled that one badly.
  7. The refreshment stand does not serve ice cream.
  8. Race marshalls who shout enthusiastically that you can do it should not be punched in the mouth.
  9. Any questions regarding an alleged punching of a race marshall in the mouth can wait until the end of the race, whatever the policeman says.
  10. If your friend finishes 10 minutes ahead of you ignore her for one week. It's her own fault for doing more training.
  11. At some point if you really feel you're ready to quit, imagine the pain and humiliation of handing Husband the £10 he bet you.
  12. Short cuts will not be tolerated. Nor will attempts to bribe the race marshal.
  13. Organisers will not stop the clock for you if you decide to have a bit of a sit down. Even if you cry.
  14. Do not say beep beep in a condescending way to someone you are overtaking, they will overtake you later and laugh.
  15. Do not be discouraged when being overtaken by a large, vertical armadillo.
  16. On the final 100m it is futile to try to claw back 10 minutes by running really fast.
  17. Never, I repeat, never question the accuracy of the Official Clock, they can take your medal away.
  18. There isn't any chocolate in the goody bag.
  19. A muesli bar does not make up for lack of chocolate.
  20. The medal isn't made of gold. And isn't worth it.
  21. The fish and chips, plus donut, on the way home really, really is.


Maternal Tales said...

Can't believe you even attempted it!! You're far better than me...

Rebel Mother said...

This really made me laugh. Love points 2, 4 and 5 - Hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Well done!

Never, ever trust an armadillo in lycra.

jinksy said...

Classic - I award you a putty medal!

Tara@Sticky Fingers said...

Wow. Just wow!
Makes my moaning about not being able to drag myself to pilates seem, well, let's just say I am ashamed.

Body Engineering said...

you have to speak to me, i'm cooking your childrens tea tomorrow ahem!

ModernMom said...

LOL..and I actually laughed out loud! #2 and #14..those are my faves. I can just picture said runner announcing beep beep as she goes in for the pass. Great post!

The Dotterel said...

Just one question - what was the Salvation Army doing there?

Clare W said...

Absolutely brilliant. I feel like I ran it too. xx

Wife in Hong Kong said...

Reading this was the highlight of my evening. I laughed and laughed.

Anonymous said...

Well done you. The mere thought of structured exercise sends me into spasm...

Millennium Housewife said...

MT, 55 minutes baby!

RM my favourite too - and almost true!

Mud, thanks for the tip, and good luck in the marathon

Jinkksy, wearing it with pride

Tara, thanks for paying Body Engineering a visit x

BE, and it was lovely - thanks!

MM, I swear it works

TD, something to do with first aid, although I think they just like to wear their uniforms

CW you were there alll the time!

WHK and you just made mine!

MJM have been in spasm ever since...

Potty Mummy said...

Good for you. I have to go and have a lie down just thinking of that...

zooarchaeologist said...

Well done, 6 made me laugh. When I did a 10K a few years ago (pre-baby) all I could think about was whether anyone would see my glory at the end and whether I would look too sweaty in any pictures. When I got there there were lots of people milling about and I had to stand around for 10 minutes until I spotted anyone I knew. The pub lunch afterwards was good though ;)

Working mum said...

I'd rather just have the fish, chips and donut!

Seriously, well done. A great achievement!

cheshire wife said...

Congratulations! You have achieved something that I have never done.

Nota Bene said...

Hey thanks...if I ever contemplate running 10km, I've got a head start. Does seem a long way though

SMS said...

Hello MH
What a hoot...makes me feel just a l-i-t-t-l-e more enthusiastic about the mere 5k I have in a few weeks; these events are such fun when not taken too seriously!

(I've re-located my comment from the wrong post, oops!)

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Jodi said...

No Chocolate in the goody bag! Would you do it again then!?LOL

KUDOS for your run!

Adam Hunter said...

Brilliant! lol

We're doing a promo at work where we're giving out free running shoes to bloggers.

Wondered if you'd be interested?


PS: yes, this is real and well done for doing 10K, I only did 5K)

Paradise Lost In Translation said...

Well done MH. Fantastic. I have run all my life but NEVER further than 5k. I keep thinking i shd train & do a 10 k. You've inspired me, not least in showing that it won't be boring with so much to amuse en route! That was hilarious

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