Things I Have Learned When Running Your First Ever 10km Race

1. You are there to do your best, not win, so run as slowly as you can, in fact walk if you feel like it.
2. If older/fatter/greyer people finish before you it's because of the drugs.
3. You can alleviate some of the boredom of long distance running by mentally calculating how many calories you will have burned once you reach the finish line. Don't forget to add an extra 200 onto the tally for luck.
4. Other people's bottoms wobble, don't laugh and point.
5. Never, ever announce you're going to do a Paula Radcliffe and pretend to drop your drawers by the side of the road, your running buddies won't find it funny and may run off leaving you behind with half your bottom hanging out and a salvation army man approaching with a Stern Look.
6. When running past official race photographers remember to watch where you are going rather than trying to angle them your best side, they also don't take kindly to requests for another shot in case you angled that one badly.
7. The refreshment stand does not serve ice cream.
8. Race marshalls who shout enthusiastically that you can do it should not be punched in the mouth.
9. Any questions regarding an alleged punching of a race marshall in the mouth can wait until the end of the race, whatever the policeman says.
10. If your friend finishes 10 minutes ahead of you ignore her for one week. It's her own fault for doing more training.
11. At some point if you really feel you're ready to quit, imagine the pain and humiliation of handing Husband the £10 he bet you.
12. Short cuts will not be tolerated. Nor will attempts to bribe the race marshal.
13. Organisers will not stop the clock for you if you decide to have a bit of a sit down. Even if you cry.
14. Do not say beep beep in a condescending way to someone you are overtaking, they will overtake you later and laugh.
15. Do not be discouraged when being overtaken by a large, vertical armadillo.
16. On the final 100m it is futile to try to claw back 10 minutes by running really fast.
17. Never, I repeat, never question the accuracy of the Official Clock, they can take your medal away.
18. There isn't any chocolate in the goody bag.
19. A muesli bar does not make up for lack of chocolate.
20. The medal isn't made of gold. And isn't worth it.
21. The fish and chips, plus donut, on the way home really, really is.