Tuesday, 19 May 2009

New Balls Please

I would just love to keep you all guessing about who it is exactly that needs the new balls: The Dog or The Husband? You decide (if you want to imagine the last bit in a Big Brother stylee voice you may do, it adds to the ambiance). But I think to leave you all without an answer would be cruel. More cruel than lopping off a man/dog's balls? It depends on where you're standing, and I'm standing next to the surgeon, on her toes, making sure she does it right. And thoroughly. With an extra scrape just to make sure she got all of it. Ha! take that super sperm, and that! I could be the champion of Sperm Space Invaders zapping all I see with the surgeon's scalpel, ferreting out any malingerers with my supersonic eyesight and lightening reflexes. Ah the joy.
Anyway, just before any of you start cheering and whooping me on, adding up the scores as we contemplate the childbirth v vasectomy debate and thinking that Husband finally succumbed to going Where No Man Should Ever Go (TM) I'm afraid it was the dog who went first. Just so he can try it out and let me know what it's like reasoned Husband. It was a hefty argument, especially when garnished with the fear of never being able to go commando again in case the seams rub the scar. Quite. The thought of never again discovering that Husband had gone commando on a romantic night out/black tie dinner/friend's intimate soiree/business lunch/work day would be enough for me to book the vasectomy, children or no children. But he was adamant: not yet, maybe later, I'm going to use the same phrase as my own contribution to our contraception. I do feel for him though, really I do, enough to book myself a spa weekend and shopping trip to Monaco.
So it was poor old Twizzle's turn, yet again the family experiment (ooh I think a dog would be lovely, lets get one and see), I took him in the car after a last breakfast of his favourite sausages (Husband says getting the dog to eat sausages was cruel and metaphorical but I swear Twizzle didn't decipher any hidden meaning in what was, I swear, his favourite food). Husband refused to come lest I'd organised a sting operation where the minute he entered the vet's a Big Burly Man would wrest him to the ground and clamp a large white chloroformed hankie to his face. Surgeon and nurse Stat! he'd yell as Husband struggled, watery eyed, eventually succumbing to going under but not before attempting to cross his legs in one last, futile attempt at defiance. The final indignity being the nurses carrying him into the surgery, legs akimbo, giggling as they compared him to the Rottweiler/Persian cat they did this morning.
Husband waved us off at the door instead with a white hankie, yelling at Twizzle to send him a postcard and reminding me to remind the surgeon not to spare the knife. It'll soon be over he yelled cheerfully, glass of Champagne swilling over the drive, I can't wait to hear all about it. Twizzle meanwhile was oblivious to it all, big spaniel tail wagging furiously at the adventure he was going on, mild curiosity as to why the children had been left at My Mother's, but hey ho, it must mean he's really important and special which of course he is. Even more so with out his balls.
So Twizzle as we know him is no more, a couple of pounds lighter and a little more worldly wise than at the beginning of that fateful car journey. He's doing well though and has assured Husband that he's got absolutely nothing to worry about. Not only did it not hurt but Husband won't have to wear the stupid cone he's got round his neck. He thinks it's ruining his chances with the ladies.

15 comments:

amy said...

award for you over at mine enjoy! x

rosiero said...

I'm stuck with the thought of your husband with a cone round his head now!!

ModernMom said...

LOL Fear of sting operation. Too funny!

Potty Mummy said...

That sting operation... Had it all planned out, didn't you?

Maternal Tales said...

Eeeek. From the moment I read 'scrape', the rest of the post was read with extremely tensed shoulders...!

jinksy said...

Good on you for having the balls to post about such a topic!

Rebel Mother said...

OMG - I laugh and I laugh!

If Hubby does decide to get the chop maybe he could have a word with mine....I'm getting fed up being the 'gate-keeper' all the time.

Great post MH. RMxx

Eliza said...

Loved it, have you booked your husband in yet, or has he gone AWOL :-)

Mud in the City said...

I see your cunning plan, lulling the husband into a false sense of security.... he'll never suspect what lies waiting for him at the vets when he has to take Twizzle back to have his stitches removed.... Tee hee!

Nora Johnson said...

Laughed so loud woke Lola up! (At least she won't have to face the Twizzle test!)
Great post - will be back for more (possibly the denouement?!)
Nora :)

Millennium Housewife said...

Amy, you are fab. Thankyou. How do you do it with four kids under four?

Rosiero, that's not where I'll be sticking the cone...

MM, I swear there wasn't one..

PM see above

MT you should have seen Husband...

Jinksy, it's all balls balls balls over here


RM I'm sending him over

Eliza, the surgeon's on speed dial

Mud, brilliant! I'm planning it already

Nora, sorry lola!

Expat mum said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Expat mum said...

If and when the time comes, just remember that they don't always work. Not that I, with teenagers and a five year old, would know anything about that - at all.

Surprised and Excited Mum said...

Another award you already have, but it's the thought that counts. Isn't it....

http://diaryofasurprisemum.blogspot.com/2009/05/and-winners-are.html

Maternal Tales said...

Little award for you at mine x