Monday, 14 September 2009

Things I Have Said To My Mother Today

  • Hello?
  • Hi mum
  • Mum?
  • Is everything OK?
  • Calm down
  • Calm down and take a deep breath
  • in, out, in, out
  • That's it
  • Tell me what it is
  • Dad?
  • What about Dad?
  • Is he OK?
  • He's lost what?
  • His paint stirring stick
  • Is that it?
  • Well yes of course it's serious
  • No, really
  • I thought something had happened to him
  • But this is much more disastrous of course
  • I am taking it seriously
  • I am
  • Well has he looked where he keeps it?
  • On the shelf in the shed
  • Next to the seed planting stick
  • Could he not just use the seed planting stick?
  • Oh yes sorry how silly of me
  • Completely different kind of stick
  • Have you searched the shed?
  • Yes of course you have
  • No, I'm sure Barry hasn't taken it
  • Why would the neighbour take dad's stick
  • I don't think he's always been jealous of it
  • Because it's a stick
  • Sorry, sorry, it's not just any stick
  • I really don't think Barry's jealous of Dad
  • Yes I suppose Dad winning Best Tomato was a dark day for him
  • Not the same since, yes
  • Yes stick stealing would seem to be the act of a desperate man
  • Well stress does change people
  • But I think that refers to serious life stress
  • Not Best Tomato Winning stress
  • Why don't you ask Barry if he's seen it?
  • Not talking?
  • Why?
  • The leek episode?
  • Are you sure he stole them?
  • Yes I'm sure it's Barry who needs the psychiatric help
  • I'm thinking of booking in myself
  • Sorry, just a joke
  • Why doesn't Dad suggest getting psychiatric help to Barry?
  • Might get them talking again.


Lora said...

these just keep getting better!

Anonymous said...

The "leek episode" - dark days MH, very dark days....

London City (mum) said...

You are lucky not to have had to repeat each comment at least twice (whether parent is hard of hearing or just distracted, not sure yet)... you end up sounding like you are talking to another small child!

V funny. Love it!


Insomniac Mummy said...

Hehehee! Marvellous.


Gin said...

Oh no!!! Not the LEEK EPISODE!! This is great! :-) Very few blogs actually get me laughing out loud, but your's always manages to.

Dr24Hours said...

You know, MH, douglas Hofstader, an American scientist and philosopher of some renown, has written extensively on the nature of interpreted gaps in figure and ground, such as those in these conversations that you write.

It's actually very erudite and fascinating stuff, the way the figure (your words) are written in such a way as to imply the ground (you're unwritten mother's words). It is not easy to write a figure so well that the ground in so unmistakable.

Well done, and very funny as usual.

Evansmom said...

You could turn this into a book!

AGuidingLife said...

AnyEdge and Evansmom have a point worth considering - in the meantime can I be less profound and say "OMG I soooooooo relate" and thank you for giving me another laugh!

thatgirlblogs said...

that was so funny!!!!

I think you should give dad a "bouquet" of paint sticks for the next holiday.

Clare Wassermann said...

Yes, yes I can well relate to the aging parent's minutae. I spend 55 minutes today discussing the pros and cons of my father sticking artificial leaded light stripes to the window on his new garage doors...

Expat mum said...

I agree with AnyEdge - if most of us tried our hand at this it would be crap. Well done!

Ice Queen said...

I love the things people become upset with as they get older! Stealing sticks! Get that Barry some help!

Unknown said...

That gave me a chuckle of all sorts.

I thought my parents were the only ones getting crazier about their things. My dad thinks my mom has a conspiracy going on with hiding his newspaper. :)

Anonymous said...

I agree... I don't think you're taking this stick thing at all seriously.

But that's okay with me! Hilarious!

Unknown said...

Everyone knows you can't substitute a seed planting stick for a paint stirring stick! What were you thinking????


This is reminiscent of a Bob Newhart phone call.

ADDY said...

You obviously got the wrong end of the stick!

Stephanie Faris said...

Great snippets! You're hilarious.

Red said...

Best laugh I have had all day!

Muddling Along said...

These just are so good - thanks for making me smile !

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much for stopping by my place earlier. You've helped remind me to call my mother this weekend.

ps. Mum: if you happen to read this, that last bit was an untruth by way of an introduction. I was always going to call you this weekend. Honest.

Jen Feeny said...

LMAO! Thanks so much for stopping by my digs! Over here pumps are basically high heels! LOL! Where's midlands?

Michelle said...

LOL..tell me that was NOT a real conversation.

Over from SITS.

WhiteSockGirl aka The Fabulous Bitch said...

That was so funny! Love it.

Mesina said...

Wow, I am so laughing! I love the way this is written, you can just hear this one sided conversation! I love it!! great post x

Chanda said...

This is too cute, I love this!

SmartPumpkin'sMom said...

You are lucky to be able to talk to your Mom often.

Holly said...

Hahaha, that's great!
Dropping by from SITS.

La Belle Mere said...

I LOVE these!!! Thanks for following me on Twitter. Your blog is so funny! You have a new follower!

From a fellow Brit...

LBM xxx

nappy valley girl said...

'Stick stealing would seem to be the act of a desperate man'. Love it, just love it.

Millennium Housewife said...

Lora, you are lovely, and very flattering (cheque's in post)

Mud, not as dark as wedding episodes..

LCM I edited..

IM thanks for stopping by x

Gin, maybe it's the gin?

AE, I'm going to have to google most of that, I'll get back to you

EM, a little tricky turning a laptop into a book. Are you Paul Daniels by any chance?

Kellog, be as base as you like, suits me

That girl, I will, but it will only lead to another 'things I have said to' blog

CW the winter nights must just fly by

EM, you get the best comment rosette

IQ I'm trying!

Summer, lol!

RH I shall seriously re think my stick stance

EG, getting more humbled as I reply

Rosiero, slow hand clap coming your way

SF, and YOU are invited back!

Red, ditto

MAM, a pleasure x

Matthew, your mum called

Morgan, in the middle!


WSG, coming from someone who still wears white socks, I shall take that as a compliment

Mesina, on my way over to you x

Chanda, and you...

SPM, I know that really x

Holly, just loving SITS

LBM, thanks!

NVG, missing UK eccentrics by any chance?

Courtney @ One Fine Wire said...

Thanks for stopping by! If you are ever wanting a new blog design, check me out. It would be so much fun to work with you!

And yes, it is already Wednesday. Can Friday get here any sooner?!

Amanda said...

Are you serious?? This is hilarious. Well. Sad for your folks. But fun for me.


God bless-

Unknown said...

Totally had me cracking up! I love your various conversations!

Debbie said...

The scary thing is, I'm not sure which side of the conversation I fall on anymore!

Lawyer Mom said...

Whoa! Losing a paint stirring stick is a big deal. They are SO expensive!

Kate said...

Oh my God - we must be sisters!!! These are my parents lol!


Hehe ! Lovely post, thank you

Roz | La Bella Vita Cucina said...

Hi .... Happy SITS Saturday! So nice to meet you! It's great to chat with someone from England; I don't get to do that everyday! I'd love to hear about the photo of the horse in your picture since I love horses! Hope you stop by sometime too!

Roz (bella)

Roz | La Bella Vita Cucina said...

Hi .... Happy SITS Saturday! So nice to meet you! It's great to chat with someone from England; I don't get to do that everyday! I'd love to hear about the photo of the horse in your picture since I love horses! Hope you stop by sometime too!

Roz (bella)

Unknown said...


Sara said...

That is too funny! Your dad could always use one of his tools to stir the paint. :O

Anonymous said...

I am highly suspicious of Barry and would point the finger of suspicion (in the absence of a stick) firmly in his direction.

Anonymous said...

Just found you, MH and love your writing. I have added you to my blogroll - hope you don't mind!

brainella said...

Totally made my day...

Just A Normal Mom said...

So hilarious!

A Confused Take That Fan said...

Hilarious.Don't worry MH, that will be you in 30 years....Mirror Mirror on the wall, I am becoming my mother afterall...

Mrs. M said...

What a day! And I see another list below that appears to be even better! ;-)

GFS said...

LOL! This is hilarious!