Monday, 17 November 2008

Mummy's Little Helpers


Isla has been invited to an allotment party. Shall I say that again in italics? Isla has been invited to an allotment party. If I mention the words allotment and party a lot here, it is meant to convey confusion, confundity, general mirth, an image of shrugged shoulders and a twirling of the index finger about the ear, and general all round befuddlement. An allotment party (sorry, I really can't help it). Worse still, it's from the daughter of Right-On Mum, the Mummy everybody hides behind their cars to avoid as she struggles into show and tell with a scale model of Daughter's bedroom complete with working light and bookcase filled with the Complete Works of Shakespeare (unabridged edition). Right-On Mum wears a lots of beige because organic clothes just can't be bleached, and Rah Rahs around at coffee mornings force feeding everybody with her hemp and sofa stuffing muffins (homemade. Rah). She's even converted her hybrid car to work off cooking oil and can regularly be seen in the school kitchens syphoning off the chip fat, all the while Rah-ing about saturated fat and salad bars. We're great friends as you can imagine. The best.
Anyway, at first I thought Isla had got it wrong, four-year-olds and correct, detailed information do not make easy bedfellows, but no, she produced the invite from her satchel with a told you so flourish and unfolded the paper. It was bedecked with images of spades and wellies which I thought were simply decoration and a chance for Right-On Mum to show off her computer skills (which incidently runs off a dynamo that she works with her foot while on the computer. She has a really big left thigh). But no, the pictures were actually a visual list of items needed to enjoy the aforementioned allotment party (I did mention it didn't I?). It turns out that an allotment party involves turning out your four year old in wax jacket and flat cap (well that's what the picture suggested), dropping them off at Right-On Mum's allotment (of course we can stay and help if we like rah rah) where they will dig and plant and water, eat a picnic picked from the allotment and then go home. That's right, come and celebrate the birth of our child with slave labour. We're a bit behind on the weeding you see, but to make it fair you can harvest as many tomatoes as you like for your lunch.
And why not? Set the children to work, they've been sponging off the state for far too long now. Free education, free healthcare, isn't it time they gave something back to people and a society that has been too soft on them? They get Two Whole Days off a week, that's 104 days a year of lost productivity. What have we been doing allowing them to sit back learning ballet/karate/TV watching when they could be making themselves useful?
This is a fantastic turn of events. Why didn't I think of this first? Not an allotment party obviously, Husband says we can't get an allotment until I manage to keep one supermarket-bought basil plant alive for at least a week. But there's loads of things that would make a great party, a greeaat party. I could turn my entire house into a play zone, send out invites and watch them flock. Fabulous.
Now let me see, what kind of parties do I need to have to get all my jobs done? We could start off with a Light Dusting and Sweeping Party, followed by a Window Cleaning and Vacuuming Play Session. We could break for a Make, Serve and Clean Up Your Own Lunch Party before moving into the Ironing Zone (possibly followed by DIY First Aid for Burns Tutorial, but it depends how the Ironing Session goes down). To finish we could play hunt the dog turds in the garden and enjoy a brisk race to be the first to put them in the poo pot (oh yes).
This is wonderful! Brilliant! Dare I even say inspired? My very own Eureka moment has finally occurred (but not in the bath I'm afraid, the laptop tends to short). All I need to do is have ten more children, make sure that they are each born in a different month, then I can throw a Cleaning Party for each one. That's it, a totally clean, ironing free, dog mess free house and garden every month. It's time to sack the cleaner.

27 comments:

Jolly Good Yarn Girl said...

yes, yes, yes! If Isla is busy that day she can come and make up for it by digging mine anytime. I'll send you the key!!! You have made me gaffaw my tea on the computer keyboard...you know the one where it comes down your nose....ugggggh

Mud in the City said...

That's brilliant! I can host a 'filing paperwork' party or a 'cleaning the grouting' outing.

But alas I don't have any children.

Will local mummies think I'm a bit weird if I invite their brood along for a bit of an elbow grease knees up?

Damn. Feared as much...

Mom/Mum said...

haha oh that made me laigh so VERY much.
Thank you for the smile on a snowy Monday morning.
I think you've hit upon an absolutely fabulous idea. Oldest boy's birthday is coming up and I might scrap the bowling party in favour of a 'clean the window blinds' or a 'organize my undies drawer' or a 'scrub the shower soap scum' party.
What do you think?!

Nota Bene said...

Anyone fancy my 'Do the ironing party'...if you miss this week's one, there's always nextwek, or the week after, or the week after that, or...

rosiero said...

You've given me some ideas for Kay's 18th. What treat them to a West End Show? No. The roof needs fixing! And to follow? A sleepover in the spare room which needs decorating. Yes, a very good idea!!

nappy valley girl said...

The more I read your post the more incredulous I become....I can't believe they have to bring their own spades as well!

When is the great event? What do you think the party bags will contain - carrot tops and a bag of earth?

Devoted said...

Brilliant post, MH, BRILLIANT! I live on a ranch…I think I’ll throw a mucking out the barn party. Oh, wait a minute…my children are grown and gone. Hummm….my grandson’s birthday comes in April...well, that leaves plenty of time for planning.

Have a great week!

Working mum said...

Thanks for the tip - I've been wondering what to do for daughter's next birthday. Do you think we can get away with wallpaper stripping party?

Potty Mummy said...

Does right on mum know what she's started here? I suggest you copyright the idea pdq, you could make a fortune!

A Confused Take That Fan said...

Mmm, send me a hemp and sofa stuffing muffin will you?
Where abouts in the world do you live MH? Just so I know to avoid a woman in unbleached cotton if ever I happen upon her....

Boyfromoz said...

How about a 'Come and clip my Alpacas' toenails in the Land of Oz' party? That way you get to get rid of your brood for a while. They would also learn to really look forward to, indeed run for, a bath/shower - once spat upon, never again shy of a wash.

Ladybird World Mother said...

I so loved this post! Have chuckled my way through and thoroughly enjoyed every bit... PLEASE GO AND HELP AT THE PARTY! We need a follow up, I think.
Could you not ask right-on mother to Lavatory Cleaning Party at your house? Or stagger in to school with Even Bigger Model of absolulutely unidentifiable Thing? The possibilities are endless.

tartetartan said...

Maybe you could give Isla some nasty, vegetable eating insects to release in the garden when 'slave labour mum' isn't looking?

cheshire wife said...

Great post!

More than anything, right now, we need to have a Sweep the Leaves Up Party.

Paradise Lost In Translation said...

I do hope there'll be time for games too; Pass the Parsnip, Pin the Frond on the Carrot, Musical Deckchairs, & maybe even a treasure hunt, digging for potatoes.
Can't wait to hear how it goes. What present are you taking??? Just wondered....

rosiero said...

Hi again - I have an award for you.

Tara said...

Ye gods, I didn't get past the 'Isla's been invited to an allotment party'

I thought I'd seen/been to every party going, but clearly not.

I'm having a Look After My Kids for a Week party - anyone interested? Anyone?

cathy said...

Hell I should have read this last week, except that you hadn't posted it. duh!

I staggered home at 3.30pm on Saturday after a 4 hour stint of PTA extracurricular activities
( art classes and self defence - run seperately in case you were wondering) and was greeted by my 11 year old calmly telling me she had invited 13 kids over to organise a school newspaper. aarrrghh!

They could have had my housework done in a jiffy.

Mud in the City said...

Award for you at mine!

Jo Beaufoix said...

Wow, you are an inspiration hee hee. 'Right on Mum' however, is very scary. Brilliant post. you made me snort. Miss M looked at me like I was mad. (Again) :D

Charlotte said...

Hi there

Hope you’re well.

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Mumspower are targeting working mums offering them a brilliant new online drama, Heart & Soul, alongside a huge variety of great site content. I thought you might be interested in checking it out and letting your readers know your thoughts!

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If you are interested in it, we have loads of trailers and images available. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Thanks
Charlie x


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Lily Fallala/ Charlotte Sweeney at Taylor Herring on 020 8206 5151
Email: lily.fallala@taylorherring.com / charlotte.sweeney@taylorherring.com
*******************

Please see the attached release for more information. If you do choose to run this news story please credit www.mumspower.com
Trailers of the show and characters can also be viewed and embedded from http://www.youtube.com/BethMumspower

Polly said...

Well well, whatever happened to the stuff your face full of junk kind of party that sends kids hyper and leaves parents pulling out their hair. Life seems so much more sensible and sustainable these days.....do you think the gods will punish me if I continue to fill kids with junk?

ALMOST MRS AVERAGE said...

LOL - I quite like the idea of a clean and dust party...or there's the empty my wormery party..I do need some vegetables planting but have yet to dig the plot...hmm you've got me thinking :-D

I've tagged you by the way, over at The Rubbish Diet, so if you're up for it, do pop over for a gander and pick one of the tags. (21st Century Mummy in my other disguise)

Wife in Hong Kong said...

Lovely post MH! Do let us know how the allotment party went and just how many muffins were spat out in disgust.

Can Bass 1 said...

What a capital idea! If only I had offspring...

Ernest de Cugnac said...

But all that labour millenium.

On another matter, do you still want that fatherhood thing? And was it really a one-liner? Instructions please to ernestdecugnac@live.co.uk

ric said...

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