Friday, 7 November 2008

You See That Lady In The Corner?


It's been eighteen months since Jack was born and the final hor-moan wave has started to dissipate. You'd think wouldn't you, that this would mean a bit of space, a bit of time, crikey I'd even go for a bit of sex, that wasn't encumbered by babies/milk/crying or anything else your Husband does in the night. But no. The minute I begin to feel myself again (although it's been so long now I'm not sure whether that is exactly who I'm feeling) then that old chestnut procreation rears its head (and I don't mean literally). It's to do with the propagation of the species or so I'm told: wean one offspring and raise it to walking standard and then please have another one immediately so that we can carry on the Human Race. I will say this only once: we have plenty of Humans, I can see three as I write, we do not need anymore now please, hormones, leave me alone.
But do they listen? No. They just secrete away their day, creating negative feedback as they go (did you know one of the only times positive feedback occurs is during labour? Ha! There's nature's irony for you), getting in the way of my mood swings and general misbehaviours, causing havoc just by existing. Mine have been busy, ooh, for about the last five years now, and suddenly they have nothing to do. They're bored, sitting in my Pituitary scuffing their trainers against the wall, moaning that there's nothing on TV and why can't they have a Nintendo DS because Thyroid next door bought one for her child Thyroxine. They've been led to expect, you see, a high level of employment and now there's nothing to do so mischief must be made.
So I blame my hormones for becoming the predatory woman in the gym changing room, the one in the corner that just can't leave babies alone. She stands there casting desperate cow eyes at any woman with a baby (even the scary one with the mono brow), trying to gurgle and coo, thinking just how gorgeous every single baby she sees is. But this is the trick that hormones play on you. Yes, they are cute. Cute, and loud, and sicky, and incontinent, and incapable on every level. Who on Earth would like someone like that to come into your life when you've already got two? Hormones, that's who. When you no longer have a baby, you hormones helpfully point out Every Other Baby In The World, saying: wouldn't you like one like that, look how clean and good and sweet he looks. He's not crying is he? That's because only your first two babies cried, your third won't (cue ghost like, mind altering voice) Yyyoouuur thiiird woooonnn'tttt. Don't you want to pick him up, just a cuddle? Go on, ask his mum, she won't mind, she'd love you to pay attention to her baby. Ahhhh, isn't that nice, ignore his mum you're doing a great job. A Great Job I tell you. Wouldn't you like one just like this, all warm and cuddly and clean. See what a natural you are? All the other mums in this changing room are looking at you as if you're a pro. You ARE a pro, look at you. Don't you want another? Just one tiny, little, won't know he's there bundle? Talk to Husband tonight. You know he loves the spare room, it's become his really and he just loved having the last baby. Remember his tears at the birth? You could both have that again you know, you'd both bond again over this tiny sweet thing. Go on, you know you want to.
At this point you notice the baby's mother glaring mono-browed at you and you relinquish your bundle with much sighing and regret. Until, that is, you look into Mummy's eyes. You forget you see, that behind every cute, fragrant bundle is a Mummy, leaking from every orifice, sleep deprived to the point of delirium, sobbing into baby's neck every night as he wails the hours away, wondering what on earth she's done to her life and who's bright idea it was to have another baby (hormones, lady, I tell you). And often behind Mummy there's a Daddy, sleeping in the spare room, attempting guesses as to when aforementioned orifices are going to stop leaking, wondering what on earth he's done to his life and worrying about the proximity of The Vasectomy (it's closer than he thinks, the vet's doing a home visit tomorrow).
And behind daddy are the grandparents. Doe eyed and willing - to an extent- to help out, but just as willing you understand to hand baby back. You see this is where nature got it right; your parents just can't wait for you to have children, as many as you please! Have sex at ours any time you like dear (as long as it's with Husband) and furnish us with as many little poppets as you can. Ahhh, because that's what you are aren't you sweetie, a poppet (cue copious amounts of cheek squidging), yes, that's what you are coogie coogie coo (yes, My Mother actually says Coogie Coogie Coo). But you see, grandparents get double the pleasure from their grandchildren. They get to watch them inflict years of sleep deprivation and what can only be termed as abuse on their parents, in much the same way as you did on them. Then, they get to have them for tea, fill them with mood enhancing additives and hand them back just in time to go out for dinner, return home at a reasonable hour and enjoy eight hours uninterrupted sleep.
So I suppose that's the only answer, have as many as you like, enslave yourself to the hormones, bring up the children, and then sit back. Sit back and watch the very people who gave you such a tough ride, attempt to do it themselves, secure in the knowledge that whatever happens, it can't be as hard as it was in your day. That's when my time will come. Excellent. I'll just give Husband a call about it and then I'll make a start on those oysters.

41 comments:

Ladybird World Mum said...

So so funny. Hormones are little devils and should be exterminated immediately. I have 4 children now, youngest is 4, eldest 19. Two in the middle. I can see myself just beginning to get that smug 'been there done that, never bloody again, thank you very much' look that mothers of older chilren get. Just look forward to the smug days. Its worth every twisted nipple (yup, youngest used to yank his head away from breast if someone came into room... still attached to my nipple. Christ.)
But, go on... have another one!

Lindsay said...

My brother Jamie, who lives in Australia,

www.fgsj-boyfromoz.blogspot.com is a great fan of yours and has tagged you!!!

He is visiting us in Wiltshire this coming week.

Potty Mummy said...

Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!

(That's it. Just 'no')

rosiero said...

You are so funny. Have you ever thought of sending scripts to Jo Brand, Joan Rivers, French and Saunders etc. You'd earn a fortune - to spend on the grandchildren, of course.

Devoted said...

LOL! Another great post! It is only in grandmotherhood that those stinking hormones go away. Then you wish you had at least some of them back to ward off the night sweats, the hot flashes, and the chocolate cravings! O, but the reward...grandchildren! Have a great weekend! ~Theresa :-D

Mud in the City said...

I can feel mine just starting to stir... am hoping I can suppress them with strategic pinot grigio until there is a willing husband in tow. Watch this space!

And what is it with mono brows this week? This is the second blog post in the past couple of days to mention them!

They're hot in Tajikistan I'll have you know!

Devoted said...

I have given your blog an award. Simply stop by mine and pick it up. Thanks a million for your wonderful words! ~Theresa

A Confused Take That Fan said...

MH - We are living parallel lives. I am at the to be three or not to be three stage. Husband is saying no. I know I can persuade him. Simply by getting my boobs out. In a dim light and with my underwired bra still holding them up. But to go back? To go through weening again? To have another one running around making noise? But to smell a newborn again...to have a busy family where people constantly come and go...those bloody hormones.
On holiday I saw a couple who were smartly dressed (no milk stains or smeared chocolate on them) with two girls happily playing on their own whilst they were staring into each others eyes looking relaxed and happy. Do I get to that point? Take the 'easy option' have a compact family? Or do I push myself to the brink and possibly go insane in the process? Let me know what you decide...

Jolly Good Yarn Girl said...

absolutely don't...did I tell you about the gig I was doing? - just a quartet on stage at a fancy concert - all eyes on us - me playing baritone sax in a black silk shirt and all the way through the second half milk squirting from you know where, with the pressure of it all, producing two ever expanding darker soggy silk circles on my blouse. Uggggggh. It was a form of musical contraception I believe - and it worked.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Hee hee, brilliant. If we had any more my husband would die, literally. Two is good, 3? Scary.

nappy valley girl said...

I found myself staring at a baby just yesterday in a cafe (when my kids weren't with me) - and I am someone who has always sworn I will never have another one. I'll just have to keep thinking of my friend with two boys, who dithered over whether to have a third child, decided to go fof it and is now having twins - boys.

Eve said...

I believe I may be able to help, DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!

I have four and my hormones have informed me that ten would be a nice round number. My brain has informed me that if I have another one it's leaving and taking its ball with it.

Tara said...

I was just about to leave you a really witty comment about how hormones are the devil at work and it could actually be indegestion plaguing you when I read CTTF saying: "Husband is saying no. I know I can persuade him. Simply by getting my boobs out. In a dim light and with my underwired bra still holding them up" and I am laughing too much to write any more.
CTTF, you are the GIRL!

Adventure Mother said...

So that's why grandparents feed them haribos and coke! That realisation is contraception itself! Start over with a third child? No thanks, but roll on the grandchildren!

The Boisterous Butterfly said...

Beware of your hormones! When I was still having my periods, I wanted another baby every month and was always decorating the baby's room in my head. I am past menopause now and finally cured of this, but it really held me in its grip and my husband at the time had had a vasectomy, so I couldn't accidentally become pregnant. Woe was me.

http://reluctantmemsahib.wordpress.com said...

too, too clever. too, too funny. I loved the image of recalitrant hormones scuffing trainers against a wall. perfect. simply perfect. it's when they're hanging around being idle that they are at the most dangerous. Enjoy the oysters. and whatever may follow x

Maggie May said...

I loved that post! Brilliant!
There's a lot to be said for grandchildren!
I still get that feeling about babies! Other people's babies are always more appealing when you don't have to get up in the night!
One alternative is to get a cold shower and read a good book, if you don't want to go through it again!!!!!!! LOL

Moannie said...

God, those hormones are clever. I managed a four year gap between each of mine and if JP had'nt flatly refused to procreate anymore I would have listened to them and gone on and on, though by hen most of me had gone south.

Very funny post and very very recognisable.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Superglue those knees of your shut and don't move them until the moment passes as it surely will!

Millennium Housewife said...

Ladybird, not sure whether to laugh or cry at that one

Lindsay, on my way over

PM, brutal, but to the point

Rosiro, incidently I am the love child of French and Saunders, I just try to keep out of the press

Mud, I shall suggest mono brow mum moves there


Devoted, thankyou!


Confused, Husband laughed much louder at your comment than he did at my blog, kindly stop upstaging. I'm on my way over to you to give you a thorough talking to. MH

Yarnie, thanks for sharing!

Jo, I think I'm with you on this one


NVG happened to my aunty, it's one of the reasons contraception is written above our bed


Eve, noted, cheers!


Tara, I don't think we should encourage her do you? Want to come with me to tell her that showing off isn't what nice girls do?


AM, agreed


BB, I think that's the route we'll go!


Memsahib, it was fun, thanks!

MM, cold shower? I'll have a go

Moannie, glad I'm not alone and you recognised it


Meanopause, I've got some prit stick, will that do?

The Dotterel said...

You know, MH, it's not just mums. (And I can't blame my hormones - can I?)

Jeni said...

One of the biggest upsides to parenthood is becoming a grandparent! If there was anything any better than grandchildren, the Good Lord surely kept that for Himself!
In theory, how that works is that the children have little ones that come to visit, you spoil the living daylights out of 'em, teach 'em all the rotten tricks your own kids did to you (here's where keeping a journal -or a blog can come in handy), teach 'em every dirty word you know too and then send 'em back home.
Now, in my case, I ended up with youngest child, her husband, their two little ones and for about 6 years, the son-in-law's oldest child from a relationship too -all living with me! Part of the things I mentioned above still can be done -I can still teach my grands the rotten things their parent, my daughter, did -or regale them with stories about their aunt and uncle too just to see if they pick up the torch and imitate there. The language seems to come by them naturally -or at least the bad words.
I've found that a little over 11 years now since my first grandchild came into the world, into my life, that I haven't had the pleasure, actually, of teaching my grandkids any of the bad stuff -certainly not been able to send the two little ones home since they are already "home." But even so, it is still the very best thing under the sun -this grandparenting thing, ya know!

Karen said...

LOL. This post came just in time. Only this afternoon my husband and I were gazing at a little baby and said "aaawwww", while our monkeys were bouncing around a playground. We looked at each other and said we could try for a third. What am I talking about. A THIRD! Phew, thank you, thank you thank you for letting me come to my senses :-D

Millennium Housewife said...

Dotteral, oh you can, I'm sure of it, think outside the box

Jeni, looking forward to doing that - cheers!

Karen, oh dear I don't wish to be sued for single handedly reducing the birth rate...such arrogance - sorry!

HER ON THE HILL said...

Well, as a mother of three.....

Until about 2 years ago I still had those hormones running around a bit pulling things out of drawers and making a mess, then a year ago they got bored and got back into bed, and then it was just my heart that was tapping at my brain, and now I'd say my brain has told my heart to bloody well stop that incessant banging and, I think, peace has finally been restored within. My youngest is now 6, so you have a long way to go yet hun....!!

Great blog.
x

Ps: have popped a comment on your previous one too.

A Confused Take That Fan said...

MH - Apologies that your husband found me amusing. Wish mine did.
Have tagged you lovely lady.

Footballers Knees said...

MH - SO true about the grandparents. My son was conceived in my parents' spare room (too much information?) but where were they at 3 a.m. when we were staying for the weekend with a screaming child? Tucked up in bed, waiting for the Teasmaid to click on, that's where.
Don't do it - step away from the oysters!

Jolly Good Yarn Girl said...

and by the way thank you for your comment on my Blog asking how I find time to do it all, but have you seen the state of my kitchen floor? It's this special kind of flooring that sticks to your shoes and makes crunchy sounds as well when you walk on it. Or could that be jammy blobs and rice crispies? Also I adopt a strictly no hanky panky policy except if it's booked in a Microsoft Meeting format on my PDA - I find this is good time management and saves unwanted pregnancies!

Paradise Lost In Translation said...

My hormones still rampage aged 42 but it's not a possibility for me. Sorry to be serious but my 2 children are IVF, I'm infertile and wd love another. It changes your perspective somewhat when you know you can't MAKE that choice. Always wanted three,but I feel ungrateful wishing for more when it's amazing I have ANY at all. Actually I really enjoyed yr post, it somehow made me feel less responsible for my ridiculous broodiness & beating myself up over being so old & yet not being able to move on & accept that's my lot. I hadn't really thought to just blame my chemical secretions, makes it a lot easier!

The Dotterel said...

No problem, MH - I can given you as many quotes as you like. (I've got plenty to say!) When/where would you like them?

Laura said...

MH - You've set me off again. My hormones are a raging. I wrote a blog piece on this subject a few months ago (below) ... am off to empty the airing cupboard

http://arewenearlythereyetmummy.blogspot.com/2008/07/it-could-sleep-in-airing-cupboard.html

Iota said...

I agree. It does seem such a shame to learn all those baby skills on #1, practise them on #2 and then let them wither away. Humanity's HR department would wring its hands over the waste of all that training.

I've got over the need to pick up babies, but I find myself smiling conspiratorially at pregnant women - this morning I did so when I had no child of my own in tow to give her a clue. Poor woman must have thought I was a stalker or something.

Iota said...

People never regret having another child, but they do regret NOT having another. This is an argument for going ahead, if you're in doubt. (Or do you think people DO in fact regret having another, but can never say so openly?)

cheshire wife said...

I thought that I had left a comment a few days ago. Must have forgotten to press the publish button! Anyway my comment was -

Are you trying to tell us something? Is there going to be a happy event in nine months time?

There is an award for you on my blog.

Jolly Good Yarn Girl said...

In response for your enquiry regarding nativity costume Millie - I suggest a nice Woollies costume - just unpick the hems and it would look more like my home made efforts!! Ooh and don't forget to remove the label andstaple on some tinsel.

blogthatmama said...

Phew, that post, brilliant as it was, flooded me with relief. Nearly went for the third about five years ago, decided not to. Probably the right decision as am sure I would have had twin or triplet boys and be saving up for a tummy tuck by now!

Bush Mummy said...

Brilliant post. Just remember the baby bit flies by so fast and then you've got the good stuff for the rest of your life.

We are also pontificating this one.

Sigh..

BM x

Potty Mummy said...

MH, I wondered if you would like to take part in the Best of British Carnival of Bloggers I'm hosting next week. You don't need an invitation (just in case anyone else is interested), just e-mail a link to your favourite post of the last 4 weeks to pottymummy@gmail.com and I'll be in touch.

Working mum said...

I don't think I get it?!*! Want another? Hell, no!

(Think my hormones upped and left during 20 hour labour)

Wife in Hong Kong said...

Go for it! There's nothing like a new baby in the house as long as you remember that the hormones neither clear up nor pay the bills.

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