Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Where There's a Will There's a Way


So have any of you been thinking that I've been a little silent of late? Just a little? Go on, you can admit it, you've missed my comments, my neediness to be read, my general presence in the blogospehere. Or at least I hope you have. I have, for me at least been a little silent of late, not that I haven't been reading you all you understand, just not commenting. It's my own fault, ten days ago I spilt Olive Oil on my laptop, all over the letters hjlkuionmbgt, which as you can imagine are pretty integral to composing a post. I managed to fob you all off a little by reposting a hitherto unread post, but in reality I was stuck. I managed a few messages, hammered out with much frustration, before giving in (I've never been much of a grafter) and allowing you all to do the work and allowing me to sit back and just enjoy. It was quite pleasant really.
Anyway, it's felt like an age, and life is moving on. So what's been happening? Firstly I have a shiny, pink, new laptop, complete with ability to type hjlkuionmbgt which is pleasing. Secondly, I believe Husband and I have finally, painfully, slowly, reached what could possibly pass for adulthood. Forget buying a house, forget having children, forget even consolidating your debt for the first time, we have the ultimate test of adulthood: a will. And we made it ourselves, from a do-it-yourself will pack from WHSmith, in the kitchen. But no empty yogurt pots or double sided sticky tape were used so it looks pretty authentic.
It was quite good fun to start with, we opened a bottle of wine and sat thoughtfully, seriously, thinking about the Big Grown Up step we were about to take, of lives that would be touched, at the thought that our untimely demise would warrant such planning, such preparation, due of course to the importance we play in everyone's lives. It was a sober(ish) moment; one of contemplation and reverence.
Until of course we realised we could write anything we liked. Anything at all! After all weren't we grown ups? Sensible and mature enough to make our own decisions? Yes of course we were, we had all the other grown up things: kids, house, car, nintendo wii fit (unused), so what should we write? We contemplated a couple of scenarios; firstly simply putting All to Edna! and signing it. What fun to watch from the other side as everybody tried to figure out for the life of them (rather than the life of us) who on earth Edna was, and why was she getting our millions, (sorry, thousands, ok then hundreds)? Regard with mirth the Hunt For Edna, the scouring of the birth/marriage/death records for a likely match, the heated, enraged conversations at the dinner table about Edna's whereabouts and likelihood of her handing over the goods to the rightful next of kin. Ah, what a legacy to leave our beloveds; a never ending treasure hunt.
We also contemplated confessing that the jewel heist was hidden at Husband's best friend Matt's house so that we could watch the police prepare their raid, barge the door at dawn and rush in yelling, police! stand back! The icing on the cake of course (although we couldn't state this in the will, it would give the game away) would be Matt caught, boxers down, mid coitus, shaking violently and whimpering innocent, innocent as a stunning woman whom he'd been courting for years looked up, removed herself from the clinch and silently dressed, never to be seen again. Years of courting down the drain. Excellent.
Obviously, we didn't put any of this, why bother when we're not sure at all that we''d get to watch it all? We did though have to make all the surreal decisions about what happened to whom in the event of us passing. It was a pickle I can tell you, the opportunities to offend were everywhere. Every corner we turned presented us with another what if? case scenario where someone we loved/tolerated would be incredibly offended at our decisions. Until that is (cue second wide eyed revelation of the day) we realised that it didn't matter; we wouldn't be there to offend anybody. Ha! What a way to cause trouble with our relatives and get away totally scott free! The opportunities were endless. Pick a relative, any relative and say whatever you like, they can't ever ever answer back! Now that's what I call entertainment value.
In fact, thinking about it, I could have more fun than I ever imagined. I could admit to anything, (anything!) and get away with it. What was My Mother going to do about it? Ground me? No! Ha! No more grounding ever! For me or Husband. At last! A way to rid myself of my sins, cast out the fire of wrong doing and start again, clean and renewed. I would tell her about the time Shirley the-Competition criticised her flapjacks at the Church fete because she'd found a plaster in the middle of one. My plaster. Put in deliberately. Or I'd tell her how I'd always secretly agreed with dad about the kitchen wallpaper - it did remind me of slime, or about the time she found an image of our dog Barry in one of her chrysanthemums and sent me to the post office to send it to the readers section of the Daily Mail. I never sent it. I was too embarrassed to write chrysanthemum with image of our dog Barry on the contents section of the parcel label. My Mother stopped taking the Daily Mail after that. Every cloud.
I could even, even, (huge gulp at the posiibilities of life after death) haunt her, appear in her dreams as a phantom voice, wake her in the middle of the night as a ghostly apparition floating ghoulishly at the end of the bed. Crikey I could even swamp her in ectoplasm a la Ghostbusters and watch as she lamented ever discussing my first period with Dan Hutchin Crush Of All The First Years.The possibilities stretched out like a long, glitter filled road, of redemption, revenge, and best of all no consequences. Life, it seemed was finally worth living. What a bargain; life lessons, revenge, redemption and a new appreciation for the Joy of Living. All for £2.94 from WHSmith.

20 comments:

Carolina said...

Great, you make drawing up a will sound like FUN!
Big smile!

Woody Jr said...

So glad to have you back! Good read and remember, keep the kitchen products away from computer...

Boyfromoz said...

Good to read you again - what's with that Armageddon thingy that descended onto your last post?! Somewhat akin to receiving a visit from the Jehova's Witnesses! Unrequested and unwelcome. Would you believe that the word verification for my comment is 'proph'! Perhaps I should scrap this and repent!
Pip Pip!

cheshire wife said...

Ah, but we are still none the wiser on the content of your will!

jinksy said...

Where there's a will there's a way...

Moannie said...

JP's left his to me and I've left mine to him, just to cover every eventuality, 'cos the way things are going at the mo there will be buggerall left anyway.

Your effort sounds like it was a great deal more fun.

Good to have you back.

Working mum said...

That is so funny, I never thought of it like that. Thinking about changing my will now .........

mothership said...

after all that fabulous writing I am still mainly flabbergasted that you got the kit for £2.94!!

In my will, written when the first child was born,I left most of my money to Husband but my property to the children which is quite funny because I don't have any money left now because I spent it all on biscuits and shoes so he's going to be very annoyed if I pop my clogs before him.

Devoted said...

So good to have you blogging again! This post has reminded me it is time to update our will, now that the market has gone south and it's been twenty years! Oh, the havoc I could cause!!!

Wife in Hong Kong said...

I missed you MH and am glad to have you back. Own blog is completely disabled due to Trojan horse attack on computer. Feel very bereft and am reading you under rather cramped conditions on my iPhone which is now only Internet access I have. Could you leave me your computer in your will?

Reluctant Memsahib said...

Damn. Wife in HK got there before me: the pink laptop sounds wonderful. But never mind who it goes to on the 2.99 will; just glad you've got a useable keyboard again.

Nota Bene said...

Now tell me truly...were you in danger of putting the red wine where the olive oil had once been...?

More than Just a Mother said...

So lovely to have you back - you have been missed :) Am v jealous of pink computer; mine is black with a dubious baby-sick stain on the back.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Oh, a pink laptop. Sighhhh. I need to write a will. Otherwise the ostrich might get it.

Frog in the Field said...

I need to see a list!
Corner table - Great aunt mabel
China Potty - Aunty Dottie
Antique desk - Ebay
You can think of something suitably witty....please, for me?

Deb said...

I couldn't believe when I read the part about your mom grounding you! I am 51 years old and I frequently think to myself if I feel a wee bit guilty - 'what's she gonna do, ground me? I then look to see if she is watching which,of course, she isn't! Glad you had fun writing the Will. And I agree we all better appreciate the joy of living! Now!

Wife in Hong Kong said...

You've gone quiet again MH. Is the computer still not behaving?

Millennium Housewife said...

Carolina: It was! but you need to add wine.

Woody, good to read your progress, and thanks for the advice..!

Boyo, always love the armaggeddon thing, especially trying to figure out how to spell it

CW you're in it, I swear

Jinksy, spot on, about to go over to yours

Moannie, I feel all lovely that you're glad to have me back

WM think of the possibilities! (did I spell that rite?)

Mothership , I'm off to spend it on biscuits now

Devoted, missed u too, coming over to yours x

WHK have been doing the same, Husband is annoyed at the cost of iPhone bill...

RM I know, fab

NB of all bloggers you know me best

MJM yes but you got a Yummy Mummy message from the guy at costa, have been hanging out there, no message

Jo, well he's done you proud

Froggy, it's up there

Deb, hello again!

WHK Illness, sickness, diarohea, need I say more? x

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