Sunday, 1 February 2009

Cutting The Ties That Bind


So it's new year, new start, new decisions. And we're still at that old chestnut of a dilemma about Husband's forthcoming vasectomy. It's not a dilemma for me obviously, it's the natural, easy decision to ensure our child rearing is restricted to the two we chose, but it seems that Husband is still undecided. Actually undecided doesn't really do the situation justice, denial is probably the best way of representing Husband's state of mind; denial and procrastination. Excellent.
The thing is, it's almost impossible to discuss it with him, bring the subject up (in all senses of the word) and he cowers in the corner, whimpering like a damp dog confronted with the hair dryer. He then recounts excuse after excuse as to why he should be left intact and as nature intended him (I always point out that he's ginger and nature probably didn't intend for him to reproduce at all, so he's damn lucky he got me and my willingness - within reason - to mate with him). The worst is that his boss had it done last year and has spent the last twelve months regaling Husband with tales of cow-pat-like scrotums and John Wayne walks to the off licence for a ball numbing beer. Husband's fear stems from hearing about the injections where nobody should ever be allowed to inject. I point out that he's very keen for the dog to have it done, and even teases him about how he should make the most of being virile before the vet loads his syringe. But Husband says that dogs were born to have it done, it's responsible, whereas removing his own virility may affect the future population's ability to include ginger in their gene pool. I'm considering conducting a survey to establish whether this is a primary concern for the local community. I'm guessing it's probably pretty low on the agenda, at least behind the spaceship landing area someone has proposed for the local park.
Anyway, Husband has been trying to find alternative ways to ensure us a two child only future but short of tying a knot in it and abstaining completely (I've offered to take a lover should he choose to do this, sometimes I'm all heart) there really isn't anything he can do that isn't ultimately up to me. He came home on Friday in a state of high excitement however. Helpful Boss had told him about the male pill and suggested this as an alternative to the looming purple melon scrotum he was about to have inflicted. Damn. The male pill is something I've been keeping under wraps as much as possible. The male pill involves a certain amount of personal responsibility from its imbiber, at the very least a memory capable of, you guessed it, remembering to take it daily at the same time of day. That's three things to remember: Take it daily, take it at the same time each day, and remember that you actually have to take it. No chance. This is a man ladies and gentlemen who was told by the dental hygienist that he has an infected gum and needs to do a salt rinse every night. He was told this three months ago. He's remembered his salt wash, ooh about zero times, even with a bloody, swollen gum to remind him. How on earth is he going to remember the Pill except perhaps at a time of heightened ardour (when I promise you I at least will remember it, and also remember the fifty two pills he's forgotten in a row). This is a man who routinely leaves one or both of his children strapped in the car on arriving home. Only discovering their absence after he has entered the house, made himself a cup of tea and realised there's nothing on TV. So would I trust our family planning to this Man. In a word, no.
So we have to discuss it sometime, but he won't even let me use the word Vasectomy in his presence. It's been hard going trying to think up an alternative name that is acceptable: your little procedure results in squeals of denial about there being nothing little or procedure like about the Major Testicular Surgery I am trying to get him to have. Lopping your balls off lasted for about five seconds (I thought it was good: precise and to the point and most importantly hilarious. To me.). I can't use snip because it's what Isla likes to do with scissors and evokes visions of child-surgeons and blunt nursery scissors. So I've plumped for when you go for your third child prevention surgery which has been reasonably successful. I think because it reminds him of the logic behind the little procedure (it's my blog I'll call it what I like, and besides compared to childbirth it is a little procedure, crikey the needle's tiny!). It really is the only assured way to a safe, easy, small car owning, two child future. Put it like that and it makes sense, it's the sensible, the sane, the downright responsible choice for sensible, sane, downright responsible families. Wonderful, decision made. Oooh I can't wait to lop his balls off.

37 comments:

Nota Bene said...

He has my sympathy...poor man. How could you be so cruel. On the other hand, whilst he's a sleep, make sure you have a couple of bricks handy...

Robert said...

OMG! I was going to say that you were being rather cruel to the poor chap - but then I read NB's comment!

Less of this ginger-hair bigotry! I'm a ginger & proud of it!! Well, ok, I WAS a ginger before the gray started.

And I've got 7 kids.

Perhaps I should have had the snip years ago...

Boyfromoz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Boyfromoz said...

Can't spell this morning - something to do with the fact that my legs are crossed and my eyes are watering.
What I meant to write was:-
It may make a small difference for you but it'll make a Vas Deferens for him!
Pip Pip!

auntiegwen said...

Aawh poor diddums,
did he think that the giving birth fairies gently tickled your children with gossamer fairy wings out of you ?

Sorry, I'm a bit anti men at the moment, I'm sure it will pass

david mcmahon said...

Wincing on his behalf ....

W I N C I N G .....

Lindsay said...

Before his vasectomy Husband was order to shave before he went down to local surgery. There was a call from our bathroom - he could not shave himself! I had to do it. Half way through Husband fainted flat on the floor. The only worry I had was that he was not going to come round and be healthy enough for the surgery. I made damn sure he was! (He had two weeks off work due to s double melon problem).

Laura - Are We Nearly There Yet Mummy? said...

Maybe your husband should speak to mine. When times are fraught and the kids are not sleeping/are wailing and generally attacking each other talks about performing his own procedure with whatever is to hand.

Jolly Good Yarn Girl said...

... and be warned if he's like my husband he'll tell you that afterwards he's got to sit on the sofa for two weeks with his feet up. Hmmm that didn't fool me one little bit.
By the way "epidimus" is a favourite word of mine and a gay friend has a cat called Scrotum because he likes to open the back door late at night and shout for his cat. We all have our foibles. PS can you email me your mobile number I think I have your old one.

cheshire wife said...

Think of the cost of another child! We are in a recession.It is his duty not to have any more children.

rosiero said...

What! You don't want to be like that woman in the USA who has just had octuplets as well as the existing 6 children?

Carolina said...

Hilarious post and comments! Can't add anything funny or sensible to it. But you had me in stitches ;-)

Anonymous said...

Had similar non-conversations at one time, and when I opted for my tubes to be cut instead after having a termination to stop a No.3 baby appearing on the scene, I was outraged that I needed HIS signature before I could get the procedure done. Who said it's a man's world - they sure said a mouthful. Up with Women's Lib.

jinksy said...

Think Hubby should have the next baby, and see how he feels after that!

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

That's very odd. My ex couldn't wait to have the procedure done after I had given birth to our second child. I think that maybe he didn't like having children that much. I would have liked about 4. I always regretted it, but then the marriage ended after 19 years, so maybe it was for the best, but I still missed having those other children.

nappy valley girl said...

Well, you could try telling him that if you get pregnant, next time around HE gets to take sole charge of the childcare.

Might that work?

Devoted said...

LOL! Well written as usual. Our oldest son faced this same delimina recently. He went through several visits and finally the day arrived for the procedure... get this... he walked out before anything could happen, as he likes to tell his Dad, with his manhood in tact. And they tell us they are the "strong" ones!

Millennium Housewife said...

NB Handy tip, thanks!

Robert not surprised hair is grey with 7 kids!

Ozzieboy puns are always welcome

Gwen, no he's well aware of the pain having attended both births....

David, sorry!

Lindsay, even I winced at that

Laura, perhaps he could do a two for one deal?

JGYG not sure how to follow that....

CW I Have written that on the blackboard

Rosiero, no.

Carolina, I'm liking your commnts!

Anon, really? That's horrendous, seriously!

JInksy, I hope you are aa scientist so you can tell me how to arrange that

Irne, I'm sorry that it was like that for you, ours is more of a joint decision that the post implies I just like playing for laughs

NVG see JINKSY

Devoted, hilrious!

Millennium Housewife said...

NB Handy tip, thanks!

Robert not surprised hair is grey with 7 kids!

Ozzieboy puns are always welcome

Gwen, no he's well aware of the pain having attended both births....

David, sorry!

Lindsay, even I winced at that

Laura, perhaps he could do a two for one deal?

JGYG not sure how to follow that....

CW I Have written that on the blackboard

Rosiero, no.

Carolina, I'm liking your commnts!

Anon, really? That's horrendous, seriously!

JInksy, I hope you are aa scientist so you can tell me how to arrange that

Irne, I'm sorry that it was like that for you, ours is more of a joint decision that the post implies I just like playing for laughs

NVG see JINKSY

Devoted, hilrious!

Millennium Housewife said...

NB Handy tip, thanks!

Robert not surprised hair is grey with 7 kids!

Ozzieboy puns are always welcome

Gwen, no he's well aware of the pain having attended both births....

David, sorry!

Lindsay, even I winced at that

Laura, perhaps he could do a two for one deal?

JGYG not sure how to follow that....

CW I Have written that on the blackboard

Rosiero, no.

Carolina, I'm liking your commnts!

Anon, really? That's horrendous, seriously!

JInksy, I hope you are aa scientist so you can tell me how to arrange that

Irne, I'm sorry that it was like that for you, ours is more of a joint decision that the post implies I just like playing for laughs

NVG see JINKSY

Devoted, hilrious!

blogthatmama said...

May I suggest the gardening shears? Sharp and to the point...

Mud in the City said...

I have a worrying liking for ginger...

I'd suggest talking up his virility, masculinity and supreme attractiveness - whilst placing a cheeky call to the vet.

The you can get him done at the same time as the dog. Maybe they'd even do you a special deal?

Sandi McBride said...

OMG...wait a sec...OMG, even my cat didn't talk to me for a month following his little procedure but he's all ducks and sauce now, so tell hubby to get over it...oh man you really had me going, had to get up and bend double a time or two...you're too funny! Congratulations on the Post of the Day...wow...you deserved it...not everyone can make me snort coffee thru my nose!
Sandi

Deb said...

Hi - I wandered over here from Authorblog - you are too funny! I enjoyed my visit and I will be back - I have to find out what happens! But the next time I come to visit I will not be drinking anything since I now have to go clean off my computer screen! ;)

Jazz said...

Ah, boys and their wienies. Why is is so much worse for them? Having a child, meh, but two little snips is the end of the world.

Mr. Jazz had it done. I figured I had done my part by being on the pill for 20 years.

I watched. It took 10 minutes tops. That little snip in they make in the scrotum for "access" is so small that it doesn't even require stitches and there was nary a swollen purple scrotum to be seen - so long as you follow instructions and don't go playing rugby afterwards, use an ice pack and watch movies all day there should be no problem.

You'd think we want them castrated. They're such wimps.

Shrinky said...

Oh girl, I'm with you one hundred per cent of the way here.

My dearest hubby decided to CANCEL his vasectomy, reasoning he wanted to run the upcoming London marathon with "All me bit's still intact". I won't say sadly (it did all turn out for the best in the end), our celebration of his achieving this led to our fourth and "surprise" child.

Amazing how fast he trotted to the outpatients surgery upon being presented with the positive pregnancy test.. (and the proceedure was far less painful than the one I inflicted upon him after receiving the good news.)

A Confused Take That Fan said...

Ha ha. Love the bit about him being grateful that he's got you as nature didn't intend for him to procreate being a ginger. I must use that on my husband.
i am trying not to blog and become a decent wife/mother/cleaner but I have been lured in by yours.
V good. So you deffo no to number 3??? Good luck to the hubby and his balls...

The Egel Nest said...

Men are such wussies...if men had the babies...no babies would ever be born!

Bradley
The Egel Nest

katherine. said...

this is a riot!

and so very true to form...It'd be great to read more as you continue on your quest.

(came by via david...well deserved POTD)

More than a Mother said...

ha ha - men are such wusses!

katherine. said...

This is part four…the other three are equally entertaining…

for your husband

Mothership said...

HA HA HA HA HA
I must mention to my own dear Husband that he might consider getting his balls lopped off. This could be the very thing that prompts him towards a 'yes' on child number 3..

Bush Mummy said...

LoL - fantastic!

Have to say thought that I feel sorry for your ginger man.. my mummy met my step father too late in life.. after 4 kids he'd had the snip and they were both devastated that they could never have a baby together.

Are you sure? It's very final.

BM x

Ernest de Cugnac said...

What can I say? I wanted to and bottled out.

Wife in Hong Kong said...

Weren't you quite keen on No.3 a few months back? Or is Twizzle enough of a third for anyone?

kenneth stevens said...

Never inflicted castration on any tom cats we had so never fancied vascetomy either re my self. Suspect now it wouldn't matter at my age. On the other hand look at Des Oconnor and charles chaplin!

Armageddon Thru To You said...

Armageddon Thru To You

If you've been wondering why it seems like the world around us is unraveling, it's because the last days as foretold in the bible are now upon us. Just as it was 2000 years ago, many were unable to discern the signs of Jesus Christ's first coming (Mat 16:3), as will many concerning his second coming, which will occur very soon. Yes many have proclaimed a similar sentiment many times in the past, but their errors have no bearing on today other than to lull you into spiritual apathy, and that too was prophesied to occur in the last days.


If you're not a believer in Jesus Christ because you're an atheist, consider that the underlying impetus for your disbelief is most likely borne of pride and here's why:

When we die, if you as an atheist were right, then there is no upside or downside for anyone regarding the afterlife. We will all simply cease to exist

However if we Christians were right about our belief in the afterlife, then we will be given eternal life and you as an atheist will receive eternal damnation

Given the choices, the position held by an atheist is a fools bet any way you look at it because the atheist has everything to lose and nothing to gain. It is tantamount to accepting a “heads I win, tails you lose” coin toss proposition from someone. And that someone by the way is Satan (see Ephesians 6:12).

The only way to explain the attitude held by an atheist is pride, pure and simple. The intellectually dishonest and/or tortured reasoning used by atheists to try and disprove the existence of God is nothing more than attempts to posture themselves as superior (a symptom of pride). And as anyone who has read their bible knows, this is precisely the character flaw that befell Lucifer, God's formerly most high angel. (Isaiah 14:12-15). Is it any wonder then why the bible is so replete with references to pride as the cause of mankind's downfall?

Pride permeates our lives and burdens us in ways that most of us seldom recognize. Ironically, pride is the one thing that can blind someone to things even the unsighted can see. And sadly pride will blind many with an otherwise good heart, to accepting the offer of eternal salvation that Christ bought and paid for with his life.


In any event, if you're an atheist, I wish you only the best for every day of the rest of your life because for you, this life is as close to heaven as you'll ever get, but for believers in Christ, this life is as close to hell as we'll ever get.





If you're not a believer and follower of Jesus Christ because you are of another faith, please take the time to very carefully compare your faith to Christianity and ask yourself, why is the bible the only religious book with both hundreds of proven prophecies already fulfilled as well as those being fulfilled today? No other religion can claim anything remotely close to this fact. Many Christians who are serious students of bible prophecy are already aware of the role and significance of bible prophecy in foretelling end time events. God gave us prophecy as evidence of his divine holiness to know the begining from the end (Isa 46:10). God also believed prophecy to be so important that to those willing to read the most prophetic book in the bible, the Book of Revelation, he promised a special blessing (see Rev 1:3), and this is the only book in the bible that God gives its reader a special blessing for reading. Something to think about.


Don't risk losing Christ's offer of eternal life by not accepting him as your savior and by thinking that the bible is nothing more than a compilation of unrelated and scattered stories about people who lived 2,000 plus years ago. If you take the time to study (not just read) the bible, you will literally be shocked to learn things you would have never imagined would be revealed in it. Did you know that like parables, God also uses particular months and days in the Jewish calendar, Jewish Feasts and customs, solar and lunar phases, celestial alignments, gematria (Hebrew numerology) early bible events and more as patterns and models to foretell future events?


Consider the following interesting facts about the bible that testify to its God-inspired authorship:

Did you know that in Gen 12:2, God said he would bless Israel?. How else can you explain the grossly disproportionate level of success achieved by Jewish people as a tiny minority in the world, especially after all they have gone through? And how can you explain the success achieved by the tiny nation of Israel, surrounded by enemies outnumbering them 100 to 1 and yet still they remain victorious in all their wars?


Did you know that as evidence to indicate that Israel is the epicenter of the world from God's point of view is the fact that languages to the west of Israel are written and read from left to right as if pointing to Israel, and languages from countries to the east of Israel are written and read from right to left, again as though pointing to Israel. Just a coincidence, you say? I think not.


Did you know that the six days of creation and seventh day of rest in Genesis is a model for the six thousand years of this age (ending very soon), that is to be followed by a 1,000 year millennial reign by Christ (see 2 Peter 3:8)? Adam was born sometime prior to 4000 B.C., therefore our 6000 years are almost up.


Did you kow that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is hidden in the meaning of the Hebrew names listed in the genealogy of the book of Genesis (Research it online)? To deny this was God-inspired, one has to instead believe that a group of Jewish rabbis conspired to hide the Christian Gospel right inside a genealogy of their venerated Torah, which is not a very plausible explanation.


Did you know that solar eclipses, which the bible describes as the sun being black as sackcloth, and lunar eclipses, which the bible refers to as blood red moons, have prophetic meaning? Research it online. God showed Adam (and us) his plan for man's redemption through the use of celestial alignments. (research Mazzaroth online)

Did you know that much of the symbolism in the book of revelation refers to planetary alignments that will occur when certain events occur as prophesied? These planetary alignments also explained the birth of Christ, just search out The Bethlehem Star movie on the Internet.

Did you know that the references in Eze 39:4-17 and Rev 19:17-21 in the battle of Gog/Magog and Armageddon respectively, in which birds of prey will eat the flesh of the dead in battle from two enormous wars is based on fact? The largest bird migration in the world consisting of bilions of birds (34 species of raptors and various carrion birds) from several continents converge and fly over Israel every spring and fall. Coincidence? I think not.

Did you know that Hebrew numerology, also known as Gematria, and the numbers with biblical and prophetic significance are hidden in the Star of David? Google the video called "Seal of Jesus Christ"

Did you know that the seven Churches mentioned at the beginning of the Book of Revelation describe the seven stages the Church will go through?

There are literally hundreds of hidden messages in the bible like these that testify to the fact that the bible was God inspired, and statistically speaking, are all exponentially beyond the likelihood of any coincidence. You can find them yourselves if you only take the time to look into it. Remember Proverbs 25:2 "It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings".


And finally, if you are Catholic, or one who subscribes to the emergent Church or seeker-friendly Church movement, please compare the doctrine taught, advocated or accepted by your Church, with the actual bible, notwithstanding some new-age version of the bible. And remember that although the bible is often referred to as the living bible, the word "living" was never intended to imply in any way that the bible "evolves" over time to meet, or be consistent with, the standards of man. It's just the opposite.


Well, am I getting through to you? If not, the answer might be explained in the response given by Jesus Christ in his Olivet discourse when he was asked by his disciples why he spoke the way he did (in parables, etc.) in the book of Matthew 13:10-16. What Jesus said could have easily been paraphrased more clearly as "so that the damned won't get it". Why did Christ respond the way he did when asked why he spoke this way? Is there something about pride (the bible says there is) that closes one's heart to seeing or hearing the messages supernaturally hidden in bible parables, models, typologies, and similes, etc.? That should give you something to think about, but don't take too long. Time is now very short.


If it sometimes seems like there are powers at work behind the powers we know in this world, or sinful/evil influences in your life, remember what it says in Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." If you study the bible, it will become clearer.

Did you know that God said to those unwilling to love the words of his truth and be saved, he would send them a strong delusion so that they would believe a lie. See 2 Thesalonians 2:10-11. Have you considered what this strong delusion might be? (i.e., evolution, climate change, or ?)

Have you considered the following. With so many self-professed Christians in the world, how is it possible that the bible can state that so few would find the path to eternal life (See Mat 7:14)? The answer: many Christians who practice Christianity practice an apostate version of it, and will ultimately not be county worthy (Luke 21:36) to escape God's wrath.


And by the way, if you are a scoffer, this too was prophesied to occur in the last days. See 2 Peter 3:3.


Thank you and God Bless you!
Armageddon.thru.to.you (at) gmail.com