Monday, 19 January 2009

High Resolution



So, I suppose you're all wondering how I'm doing with my new year's resolutions, and if you weren't that's probably because I forgot to tell you I had made some. Oh yes, Millennium Housewife (and family by default) is excellent at making new year's resolutions, excellent I tell you. On the 30th December, every year without fail, I hop skip and jump to the kitchen table to make a long, substantial and to be fair incredibly ambitious list of new year's resolutions. Then, with true diligence and determination I eradicate them one by one using the following criteria:
1)Remove all resolutions that prevent consumption of stress relievers (wine/chocolate/Solpadeine)
2)Remove any that will result in time away from family and friends (gym/volunteer work/weight watchers)
3)Remove the one about making friends at the gym
4)Remove the one about the gym family membership
5)Remove any weight orientated resolution to prevent sense of failure next December 30th
6)Remove any resolution that requires Husband to keep a resolution too. The likelihood of failure is directly proportionate to the number of spouses involved in said resolution.

So, that leaves me with: Join or create a new religion, which I am going to give a really good go this year. Last year's attempt was lame to say the least, I only attracted eight followers, mainly from the local Slimming World and a couple I found outside Weatherspoon's. It had it's successes too though, the Thou Shalt Not Walk a Mouse on Thursdays decree was followed, ahem, religiously, as was the Turn Up When You Feel Like It approach to worship. It was a good religion I felt, just a bit lacking in a worshipable deity, I think that's where I went wrong. So the next few weeks are going to be dedicated to finding a good deity and a place to put it. Ha! Resolution almost complete - dedication and planning always win the day. Anyway, while having a heart to heart with Husband last month, we both agreed that we really should try and keep up our fitness levels (unfortunate turn of phrase from him, my fitness level is easily maintained by sitting watching Murder She Wrote and drinking Horlicks), but he's right (sigh), fitness is important and crossing out fitness related resolutions is becoming less and less satisfying every year.

So it was back to the gym (by back to, I mean creeping in, back to the wall, hoping nobody can see me, not as in returning to the gym), the treadmill, the (kid's) weights, the aerobics classes, the step classes (although if you can't actually manage the step can it feasibly be called a step class?), the coffee shop, the melting cookies. I calculate that 2.3 cookies=1 step class, and they said maths was my weak point, Ha! Take that old maths teacher, 1 weak subject+1 weakness for soft cookies = substantially improved ability at weak subject, I may try to sell that concept to the Education Minister and win a Nobel prize for singlehandedly improving School Performance. Watch this space.

Anyway, I have been really good at the gym, and improvements are being seen. I have this huge mental image of where I want to be in a few years time: Thin (obviously), even thinner, with new teeth, boobs, hair, nails, oh go on then while we're at it, new brain. Then of course everything will be different, people will notice, cue Tyra Banks, doe eyed and full bosomed, fairy godmother heart worn ostentatiously on her sleeve lest you forget who this show's really about, holding aloft my best studio shot breathy voice whispering: Congratulations Millennium Housewife, you're 197,000 steps away to becoming America's Next Top Model. Yup, that's what I'm aiming for, I'm nothing if not ambitious. In a few years I'll be stretched to six foot (I'm not sure how but I'm sure stretching technology will have moved on by then), buffed and betoothed to perfection, you won't recognise me. Watch out Kate Moss, The Middle Aged Modelling Agency only has a few places you know.

25 comments:

Nota Bene said...

Go for a cult...you can then extract vast amounts of money from your followers, and indulge in all sorts of sexual shananigans.

Coding Mamma (Tasha) said...

I gave up making resolutions many years ago, as it was just too depressing on 2 January when I gave in and smoked that cigarette, drank that bottle of wine, ate that chocolate cake...

Though starting a new religion sounds like a fun resolution, so maybe I'll steal that one next year.

Good luck with the gym. I am doing the diet at the moment, but so far avoiding that thing called exercise.

clean and crazy said...

Awesome resolutions!! Thanks for the comment thought I would stop by and check out your blog, I am an instant fan. I think you should have a theme song, like REM's "losing my Religion" for your religion, it is a start anyway as for a good deity, I think you nailed it with chocolate, or soft cookies, those are both powers greater than me.

opportunist~at~large said...

Thanks for your comment and yes, I believe Judy Blume is at least still out there. Here is her website which is really fun...http://www.judyblume.com/

About starting a new religion...I was there before too and decided instead to go on a 10-day vipissana meditation retreat. I am so glad that I went because the experience is amazing. It was tough because it is taken very serious [10-days of no socializing; sitting and meditating for hours on end; vegetarian diet] But, it was well worth it. My end result though...my resolution this year is to meditate more. [smile]

Have a great week! ~D

Google Mummy said...

definitely create a new religion - worship The Cookie, the Horlicks and the Super Step Class. what's not to like?

Ernest de Cugnac said...

Now I'm just having to guess here, MH, but anyone as smart and as funny as you are is bound to be stunning. With or without Jim.

word very is scroo. Dear oh dear.

Jolly Good Yarn Girl said...

I like Lent resolutions. I usually give up hope for Lent.
This counteracts any New Year's resolutions nicely. x

Coachdad said...

Awesome post... resolutions are meant to be broken. Good luck with the gym!

Robert said...

How I lose weight without trying - follow my 3.5 year old around the house to protect the few unbroken items that we have left from her dangerous clutches...

How I put it all back on again without trying - eat the kids' leftovers & have a well-done-for-surviving-another-day fry-up immediately they go to sleep...

nappy valley girl said...

What about yoga? Then you can both get fit and worship the yogi, or whatever it is you're supposed to do. Two birds with one stone!

Millennium Housewife said...

NB, I'm begining to wonder about you...

Tasha, I'm afraid exercise is the key - you can eat more!

CC, I think the things you've given up in your life are a lot harder than chocolate.

Opportunist, hope you keep it, the best source of blog fodder is meditiation, and nights out with the girls!


GM, would you like to be my wing man?


Earnest, flattery will get you everywhere, well maybe not everywhere but at least as far as Warwickshire


JGYG, lol! a lot at that!


Coachdad, you too, on my way over to check you out

Robert, it's like reading my diary

NVG, not sure about the yoga, I like thidea of getting stoned though

جبهة التهييس الشعبية said...

Happy new Obama,
He has to see this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odEmzjetGLY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVU1AUyi7eM&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOQqhvplwdY&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9yqy3rocmA&NR=1

He has to see Holocaust survivors
http://www.tahyyes.org/2009/01/more-holocaust-survivors.html
http://www.tahyyes.org/2009/01/holocaust-survivors-message-from.html

We will not go down without a fight
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jbr8LBR5k-8

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Nice blog. I was brought up a Moravian which doesn't half confuse as most people have never heard of it! Have you?

Jolly Good Yarn Girl said...

In response to your response (!) I got the moon phases tool by customising my iGoogle home page - it's available as a feature, but I like this website as a moonphase calculator:- http://www.dacre.net/toby.html

cheshire wife said...

Last years New Year's resolution has got carried into this year, as it just did not happen last year and so far this year I have been too busy to fit it into my diary.

david mcmahon said...

Applause ..... encore .......

Wife in Hong Kong said...

Whenever I mention working on my fitness level my husband says, without even looking up from the FT, "Two widths and a cappucino?" I'm with you and the Horlicks on the sofa but I admire your resolve.

The Dotterel said...

'Gym family membership' - it that a bit like Swiss Family Robinson? I used to like that!

The Dotterel said...

(Didn't really!)

A Confused Take That Fan said...

MH - I think this new you that you are aiming for sounds a bit odd. 6 feet tall with big new teeth, big new boobs, big hair, big nails and really thin with a new brain, I reckon channel 5 will come knocking to make an Extraordinary People documentary about you.
Don't do it. Stay on the sofa watching Murder She Wrote (haven't you seen them all by now?) and drinking horlicks, while trying to think of your new religion. Well done for going back to the gym though. By Feb, will you have dropped the classes/weights and treadmill and just be using the steam room and their hairdryers? That's what I used to do...

Carolina said...

Thanks to David McMahon yet again I've found a blog I'd like to follow. Love your writing. You had me in stitches. I will now add myself to your 'followers', which sounds like a creepy religious thing doesn't it? Thanks for making me laugh. Looking forward to reading more.

Sandi McBride said...

Oh my Dear, you are too funny! I don't know when I have enjoyed the ravaging of Resolutions more...the UN's version isn't nearly as entertaining! Even me writing them out and then throwing them against a wall to see if they stick isn't nearly as guaranteed a laugh as this...enjoyed it? Oh yes..I needed a good laugh!
Congrats on mention in Post of the Day...well deserved!
Sandi

Carolina said...

Thanks for visiting my blog and for your invitation. Will tomorrow be all right? I have nothing planned yet.
Hahaha, do not be afraid my dear! I will not take you up on your offer. But it sure makes one feel better to know that there are more 'sufferers'. I hate thin people who can eat anything with a passion. They are not real!

Audrey said...

Hello! Just wanted to thank you for stopping by my blog and supporting my hideous curtain theory :-) You're blog is quite witty and I enjoyed reading your posts :-)

bevchen said...

Hello! I've just discovered your blog... not sure how.. but anyway, I love it!

New year's resolutions are pesky things, aren't they? I make and break a whole bunch every year and still feel compelled to make more the following year. Don't think I will ever know why!
Well done on making it to the gym by the way.