Wednesday, 2 September 2009

Brit Out Of Water

OK, so I'm in LA, LA baby! I'm just going to write that again so you all heard me correctly - LA Baby! Fabulous! Honestly it's dead different over here, for a start American people all speak American all the time! Yes! Even the kids. It's not something they put on for the TV or anything, oh no, they actually speak it to each other. It's brilliant.
I've tried to copy it a bit, just so I don't stand out as a tourist or anything but rather woundingly I tend to be met with blank stares. I've bought some kind of translation book thing but I'm non the wiser about how to blend in (any help here from my American readers greatly appreciated, you sound so English when you write in the comments box).
And you know how everybody says you can't get a carb in LA? Not true!You can get loads, more carbs than you can shake a french fry at (that chips to us Brits, I must have assimilated more than I realised). You can get any kind of food delivered any time of day. And whatever you want too, penne pasta with newts eye sauce hold the avocado? Done. You want extra cheese with that? Err, yes why not? (except if you're over here don't say the why not? bit or they give you a lecture about cholesterol and fat and look meaningfully at your thighs, only my right one though, my left is surprisingly slender).
The other thing over here is that there is somebody to do absolutely anything for you. Don't fancy washing up? Well, there are numerous options available to you, ma'am. This company right here will come and do them for you (dial 0800 brokenweddingchina), this other company to your left will collect your plates, refurnish you with new ones and return the old ones clean (dial 0800 wedontstealhonestguv), and this one right here ma'am will simply bring you new ones every time and burn the old ones (0800 carbonneutral).
Really?
Yes ma'am, the only thing we ask is that you don't dial 911 again, (that's 999 to Brits, see, everything's different!)
I'm thinking of setting up a similar company in the UK, just to perform jobs you don't want to do. It's called We'll Do It All For You And There's No Minimum Wage. Excellent.
The best thing about being a Brit in LA? You can be absolutely, utterly uncool about anything and they just think you're charming. I mean, I am cool, really. In our little village in Warwickshire I was the first to get skinny jeans, they started arriving at the village store about a month ago, and I camped outside just to be sure to get the first pair. And compared to Husband I am definitely super hip, I am the ....... (insert cool person's name here, one escapes me) of Warwickshire.
But over here I am not. I can gush and exclaim and generally declare well we're definitely not in Kansas anymore to my heart's content. I mean, I know you're meant to be all aloof and don't careish about the whole movie thing but I just can't.
I've had a walk on part at Warner Studios in The Mentalist, which is possibly my Most Exciting Thing Yet. Although if you ever do it, I suggest not taking your own clapper board and shouting 'action' just to see what happens. It's not pretty and they get quite cross. It was a day of awesomeness ( just a little cool word I've picked up, but it's been ruined by Husband using it over the phone about his new slippers). And I just couldn't hold back, the gushing and general level of being grateful reached gargantuan proportions. I gushed for Britain, and proved to all my Country Bumpkin status (although I was wearing skinny jeans so that should have offset most of it).
I was, in a nutshell, an uncool, gushy Brit, and it was fantastic. A kinder more generous people I have yet to meet (apart from you, mum, sorry). And I want to come back soon. Which I will do obviously, I was assured by the crew of The Mentalist that I would most definitely receive an Emmy Nomination for Walking, Shuffling Papers and Subtlety In Background Acting. So I'll be back in the Spring. To pick up my award.

35 comments:

AnyEdge said...

Whatever you do, though, don't ask to go to the Loo. They'll pack you up a forcibly ship you to St. Louis, MO.

I've been waging a solitary and unsuccessful campaign (complete with pincer maneuvers and observatory ballons) against the appellation, but it so far has been sound and fury, availing nothing.

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

AnyEdge is right. They'll think you're loo loo if you ask for the loo. Or the water closet (do you guys ever call it that)?

Have fun. Sounds like an exciting trip. But stay away from the fire, for goodness sake.

Brit in Bosnia / Fraught Mummy said...

Tried asking for water yet? Had to revert to a word that has a d instead of a t to be understood. That's the US for you!

Mwa said...

Oooh, did you see that pretty guy who plays the lead? Is he as pretty in real life?

I walked about Paris going "Paris, baby" a couple of months back. Tourism is wasted on the cool and hip.

Ladybird World Mother said...

I. Am. So. Jealous.
xxx

The wife of bold said...

L.A?? Sigh, i'm very jelous especially about your walk on part, and i love the fact your left leg is suprisingly slender, your very funny :)

Kelloggsville said...

Actually, I found that a rather jolly interesting post and being on the right (hand) side of the pond I also recognised all the subtle nuances and hints of sarcasm. Still wish I was where you are right now! K

Insomniac Mummy said...

You have made me LOL tonight :D.

Did you get to touch Simon Baker?

*swoon*

Mum Gone Mad said...

Oh wow! So jealous...I wanna have a walk on part and be gushy and, and oh well I shall just watch the X-files and dream.. sigh

Muddling Along Mummy said...

That sounds utterly wonderful - I've always wanted to see America and how Americans really are at home (I suspect that the ones we meet over here are specially selected to be Brit friendly)

Mud in the City said...

I recognise Fraught Mummy's point - I had to end up asking for water in Spanish as the waiter refused to understand my English accent.

And don't let the US use of the word 'fanny' confuse you either. To them it means 'ass', hence a comment 'look at the size of her fanny' not being quite as rude as it would be at home...

rosiero said...

If they ask you to put your hand in a slab of wet concrete on Hollywood Boulevard, make sure it is still wet enough to withdraw your hand!!!

AnyEdge said...

Yes, Mud in the City, indeed.

Over here, a little smack on the fanny is something a lot of women actually enjoy!

Half Mum Half Biscuit said...

I too shall be thinking about the idea of differently sized thighs for sometime to come...

Millennium Housewife said...

anyedge, already done it, am in frieght as I type

LMM, we definitely don't use water closet, but my dad does say rain bucket if that helps?

BB, not yet, will practise my d's..

Mwa, I too have said 'paris baby', but we were in Belgium, so it didn't have the same ring


LWM sorry!


Wifey, so your thinghs are the same size? strange


Kellog, you could get a flight if you want, people here most welcoming I've met!

IM, fantastic, laughter's what I'm going for, that and an Emmy

MGM your initials would work perfectly over here

MAM your initials would work too, and everyone's lovely!

Mud, ahhh I get it now, perhaps I shouldn't have had that guy arrested?

Rosiero, can't type....concrete....stiffening

Anyedge, sorry about getting you arrested

HMHB all these bloggers with even thighs, maybe you should form a self help club or something?

AnyEdge said...

And God help us, we call a waist pouch:

A fanny pack.

Maddie Grigg said...

It's just like being on a film set, isn't it? Well, I say that, but I've no bloody idea as I've never been to bloody LA. But I thought I was Faye Wray in New York.

Maternal Tales said...

I love you. I really do. You're hilarious, but you already know that. Enjoy yourself sweetie. Can't wait for more insights x

Mr London Street said...

The gulf between the two cultures is apparent in the title The Mentalist. It just makes me think of Alan Partridge, which I'm sure isn't what the programme makers intended.

Herding Cats said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog! I'm so jealous you are in LA (that's my hometown!) but now I'm located in Northern CA. Enjoy!

Amanda said...

You are so witty, love it! Ahhh I'm an Irishwoman living here, it was so nice to hear the word chips again!

Moannie said...

Americans are the kindest, most hospitable people on the planet. Lovely affectionate post. LA I loved it too, but then I loved every inch of the States.
Bet someone said 'I love your accent'.

TechnoBabe said...

This post and the comments was so refreshing to read. Most of the time I hear how we Americans are rude and demanding, so it is so nice to hear that your impressions are that Americans are kind and hospitable.
Huh.

Beth Dunn said...

Very funny. Glad you are enjoying LA! xoxo

Alix said...

So many awards, so little time...

Congratulations on your upcoming Emmy and your "in the can" POTD mention today from David McMahon.

Enjoyed your piece very much. Glad you're embracing the LA lifestyle. Come to Florida and I'll show you the Deep South American ropes, so you can return to England a more well rounded tourist.

smiles4u said...

What a delight to read that your time here in the US has been a positive one. Is the lead guy from The Mentalist as good looking in person as he is on TV?
Congrats on Post of the day mention on authorblog!

Eva Gallant said...

My sister would so kill to be in your place. She has a maga-crush on the Mentalist star.!

Glad you are having a positive experience meeting Americans. We really can be quite nice!

I happened on your blog from Mr. Street's. Glad I did. It was very entertaining.

A Confused Take That Fan said...

What are you doing out there MH? Selling your screen play? I hope so. If not, just see if you can squirrel away on the set of The Mentalist. I think you will fit in well there ;o)
Enjoy baby
xx

Amanda said...

Great Post - I am VERY jealous!

Enjoy for the rest of us!!

Hey and I am a big Mentalist fan -I remember watching Simon Baker when he was in little known (bad)Aussie Soap Operas! How far he has come!!

Expat mum said...

Ha ha. I'm just back in the US after a month in Blighty and still have to remind myself that they really do speak like this. All the time.
Glad you didn't have to ask for tomato basil soup. I love the stuff but just can't bring myself to pronouce tomato the American way and then have to say Bayzil on top of it.

Anti-Supermom said...

Waist pouch - is that in reference to my fatty stomach or to my fanny pack :)

Hilarious.

scrappysue said...

i hope you have an awesome trip - here from sits

Mesina said...

Whoo hoo! LA BABY! I'm an American living in Britian (been here 10 years now) and when I visit home I am in awe of all the things I can call for. It's like I forgot!
Classic one for you, snowstorm in Colorado where my Dad lives. He wants Pizza. He calls for the pizza and the guy says ''Sir you'll have to come collect it, since the snowstorm hit we're not delivering'' my Dad ''I'm not driving out in this weather! That's why I called you for pizza!''
He honestly cancelled his order. Omg. I was like ''Dad, omg we're not related ok?''

Robin said...

Ha this is great! It is funny how we are in awe of other's cultures. In the US, many think of the UK as being super cool, super smart, and the epicenter for world...well, everything! But of course, that doesn't really hurt Americans feelings...we have enough confidence to smother the world..ha ha! I'm so glad you enjoyed your time on this side of the pond. I'm looking to go to graduate school in London in a few years. I'm sure Ill be in culture shock for the entire 2 years.
-Robin
www.robingillis.blogpsot.com
P.S. BTW, thank you for the kind comment on my blog, I hope to work on the blog more sometime soon. Thanks! I'm quite impressed with yours, too!

Merry said...

Okay, so this comment is a bit late, but that's my usual style (I'm thinking of copyrighting it).

Great post. I cringe every time, but if there's someone of the British persuasion around, invariably someone will tell them "Your accent is so cute!"

(Except for the co-worker from Northern England. According to him, all anyone said to him was "what part of Australia are you from?")