Monday, 12 October 2009

Rub A Dub Dub

Can someone please explain to me the rules regarding using a communal jacuzzi? I don't mean one of those hot tubs that people place thoughtlessly in the supposedly hidden area of their gardens. The ones which once night has fallen envelopes the users with such a misguided degree of privacy that they run from the house, giggling, dressed only in a towel to wallow the night away in champagne. The ones where the champagne takes over and amorous pursuits become, well amorous, and they forget momentarily that since the hot tub was installed the neighbour has invested in a night vision telescope. If only they would google their address they would find a virtual diary of their fondling on Youtube. Sorry if that scares you hot tub owners, but still, you pays your money you takes your clothes off.
No, I mean the ones at spas and gyms, the ones large enough to house thirty wallowers dressed in nothing but glorified underwear, thirty wallowers all pretending to be the Only Wallower and studiously ignoring the other twenty nine. Thirty wallowers pretending to have absolutely no idea that another twenty nine semi naked people are sharing their bath.
I mean, it doesn't make sense does it? If a big fat hairy man walked into your bathroom and sat down in a bubble bath with you wearing nothing but his underpants you'd at least say hello wouldn't you? Or ask him if he'd like a little more warm water? Anything to be polite really and show him you're au fait with sharing a bath with him, despite thinking you may have seen him on crimewatch but you can't be sure when he's wearing just his pants.
You may even attempt a polite conversation about his underpants or efficient chest hair removal creams (come on, it's all he's giving you). I mean, he's in your bath, he must be comfortable with himself, or perhaps you're a bit of a people pleaser and find yourself offering the non tap end and a bit of a go with the loofa. Either way you'd have a stab at something wouldn't you.
But no, not in a communal jacuzzi. You just sit there like a large potato enjoying the pleasant bubble sensation maybe, but otherwise staring at the ceiling, looking anywhere (anywhere!) other than at the other bathers. Nobody speaks and nobody (shudder) touches. Why bother? Why not just go home and take a bath with your electric whisk? Same pleasant bubbly thing, lots more places to look at than the ceiling. Everybody wins (although explaining the electric whisk thing to Husband could be tricky, especially if he thinks it's a Large Hint and next time you're in bed produces a spatula and a chef's hat with a large flourish. This never happened)
It's not only that you have to convince yourself and the others that they don't exist, but (and here comes the difficult bit) you then have to extricate yourself from your bath without arrousing the suspicions of the Other Wallowers that you have indeed been taking a bath with them. You've been lying back thinking that you look like you're contemplating dreamily the finer points of Brecht's non illusory theatre, but really you're plotting how to remove yourself with decorum, which is tricky. I mean, there's the whole gauntlet to be run without touching anyone at all in any way, there's the lifting yourself out, complete with nonchalant air about being seen in all your cellulite glory, the studied walk to your towel as you will yourself to un wobble and flex any muscle that may be in a position to, well flex. Oh the shame that the only firm one is attached to your wine drinking arm, everything else screams sofa, Sunday night drama, chinese takeaway, pizza, sex in one position and fungal toe.
Is there some sadistic genetic thing that regular jacuzzi users have that I've been born without? I really don't know, but I'm going to find out. I'm going to the gym spa every day this week, I'm going to ask every user if they have a sadisitc tendency, I'm sure they won't mind, they like bathing together after all. Wish me luck.

48 comments:

AnyEdge said...

Mmmm.....spatula. I've decided you just like Nigella Lawson. Yes.

areyoureceivingme said...

I've always found those communal hot tubs rather unsavoury. Just think of all the bacteria feasting on that warm, bubbly soup of human skin flakes, mucus and body hair. Ughh!!!

AnyEdge said...

That was MEANT to say "I've decided you LOOK just like Nigella Lawson."

Gin said...

I have never liked public ANYTHING and I think that would have to be one of my least favorite! YUCK!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Talk, talk, talk. How many men have to bear your relentless onslaught on their ears until you're satisfied?

Mwa said...

Well, as if I needed convincing, now I'll never go into one of these spas. In Belgium, people are naked for most of that kind of thing and then you also have to do the whole pubic-hair-etiquette. Also tricky.

geraldgee said...

Take care... Murder in the jacuzzi springs to mind and we dont want to lose you.

nappy valley girl said...

I used to go to the one at my gym a bit (when I still belonged to such a thing. Oh, those were the days!). It was fine if it was just, say, you and another woman. But invariably I would end up next to a large, greasy, hairy bloke who looked like he was enjoying the water-jets rather too much....ughhh.

Kelloggsville said...

you made me laugh and nod - thanks! don't you get that air in your front bit that makes you look really stupid but no one else gets it.

Personally I talk to people, it annoys them and they leave - score 1 private me only spa!

Potty Mummy said...

You're a braver (and somewhat more toned) woman than me, MH! And word verification is 'ondlyg' which actually sounds to me rather like it could be used as a word to convey extraction process from said jacuzzi. As in; 'I glanced around the tub, saw the gentleman with too much body-hair about to get in, and decided to ondlyg myself out of there.'

No?

Expat mum said...

On a vacation years ago, the only members of my family to develop a nasty red skin rash were the ones who went in the communal hot tub. AND, a friend of mine is an OB/GYN (lady doctor) and she tells all of us not to get within ten feet of the things.
Ugh..ugh..scream!

Moannie said...

Never, on pain of death, would I enter one of those spas. My imagination is far too active...I would be able to see the bacteria multipying at the speed of light. AAAAaaaaaaggggghhhhhhh!
and Euwwh!

More than Just a Mother said...

Oh God, it's just awful, isn't it - too disgusting for words. I posted a week or so ago about my daughter vomiting in our holiday hot-tub. I'd still rather endure that than share my water with complete strangers. With verrucas.

Lora said...

oh I hate those things! all I can think of is the bacteria that love to breed at high temperature. and the fact that people don't wipe their rears well enough and the toe gunk and the stray hairs and and and.

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

I have never exited a hot tub without first a healthy dose of champagne. And when I have? Have been my own, at HOME.

A Confused Take That Fan said...

Hmm, I have shared hot bubbling jacuzzis in my younger days when I was not so fussy and didn't worry about things such as bacteria. Now, I am just one short hop away from OCD-ing with anti bacterial wipes/gel/handwash I wouldn't go near a hot jacuzzi with hairy men, without insisting they all rubbed themselves down with wipe/gel/handwash before they got in. It would also mean having to control my own downstairs hair area, which is why I also never take my children swimming. Lame, oh so lame.

Mighty M said...

Jennisa at Once Upon a Blog did my blog design. If you google the name it should pop up the link. Thanks for coming by!! ;-)

brainella said...

Okay...now I have this image in my head of a hairy guy in a speedo in the jacuzzi. And it's all your fault!

Rebel Mother said...

Ha!

My Hubby refuses to sit in a Jacuzzi. He calls it a human soup!

Urgh! Its enough to put you off innit?

RMxx

Milla said...

NOT tempting before, human soup, yuk. Even less tempting now it's been analysed so. More yuk.
Tried to leave comment on your Marley thing, by the way, but site just not interested - so rude. Had never fancied it (it's a dislike of dogs thing, I know: I have one) but you've sort of brought me round. Sort of.

Jen said...

I won't even go near a hot tub with a 10 foot pole, for all the brilliant reasons you mentioned. I can't get beyond all the 'people goo' (human soup indeed!) that must be swirling around in there - ew.

Schmoochiepoo said...

And that is exactly why I have NEVER been in a 'public' hot tub or spa. At a friends house..sure why not, after all, these people have held my hair back while I barfed, held my hand during labour and heard me rant about my husbands farting in bed, a little chlorinated water between buddies can't hurt right?

S.E. Sward said...

" ... the only firm [muscle] is attached to your wine drinking arm, ... " LOL! I love it.

Yeah, and I thought a public sauna was bad ... hadn't even gotten as far as the public hot tub ... Hell to the no is all I can say. Never, ever. Nuh-uh.

Funny post! Stopping by from SITS to say hello.

Emmy said...

LOL! I will never be able to think about a hot tub in the same way again.
Great post,
stopping by from SITS Saturday

I Wonder Wye said...

Just can't get behind the communal hot tub thing - in fact, made Excy build us a therapy pool (heated) b/c I hated communal pools at all...

Love the whisk idea for the bath! Very funny post.

stopping over from SITS

Ms Bibi said...

Thank you for stopping by.

Very funny article. I have issues to go into public hot tubs. I don't mind pools, but hot tubs scare me. i imagine all the bacteria and gross stuff lingering around.

Twincerely,Olga said...

your killing me here!! I am laughing!! So funny!!! I can't wait to hear what people say! Stop by!Great blog!

Shihaam said...

That had me laughing out loud!
=D

Thanks for visiting me and commenting.

Stopping by from SITS

xox

Vivienne said...

great post, I like your sense of humour :D
I never tried something like a communal jacuzzi, the idea of all the bacteria scares me too much and thanks to you I got that hairy old man in my head now... Let us know if you survived! :D

Fruitful Vine2 said...

You have a very good way with words. I was picturing each scene in my mind as I read. My husband says I have an active imagination.

Thanks for stopping by Fruitful Vine and leaving such a wonderful comment. Enjoy the rest of your day.

Life is good! said...

too funny, and nasty if you think about it! have a great day. i think i'll go take a nice long bubblebath in my own tub with out a hairy man in cute underpants thank you!

Working Mum said...

Well, I'm certainly going to be wary of getting in a jacuzzi now. And thank goodness I don't have a hot tub!

Oh, and good luck with that!

Eva Gallant said...

Hiliarious post!
just dropped by from SITS to say hi; hope you'll do the same.

Vickie said...

The communial hot tubs scare me. To many people who might look at my sagging butt and overinflated stomach. Even though they pretend not to;)

Good luck on your research!!

BTW, thanks for visiting my blog. All the visitors made my day!

Geezees Geezees Custom Canvas Art said...

Your so funny...Good luck!

Eliza said...

I've never tried a communal hot tub, I can't think of anything worse. I'll just stick to my bathroom at home.

rosiero said...

So funny as always. Don't think I like ths sound of a public jacuzzi myself.

The Blonde Duck said...

Popped in from SITS to say hi!

Melissa B. said...

Our local rec center has a communal hot tub, and it kinda creeps me out...SITS sent me by, and I'm glad they did!

Driving Miss Daisy

Kitty said...

Yeah... It's particularly awkward when people let their kids play in the hot tub. I really don't need a 10 year old snorkeling around my legs people!And I would certainly not let my kids go under water in a 110 degree tub full of sweaty, half-naked people. Yuck!

Feeling Fit With Dana said...

So funny and sooo true! The only way it gets any worse is if someone shows up naked. REALLY!!!?? talk about uncomfortable. Good luck next week getting to talk to someone!

Stopping by from SITS!

Flying Giggles and Lollipops said...

Those hot tubs freak me out. All the nasty bacteria just multiplying in there. I may be a bit of a germaphobe, so you will not catch me marinating in one!

Kelly said...

Yuck! As soon as someone else gets in, I immediately get out. It's weirder for me to stay in than to get out.

Helen Suzanne said...

screaming with laughter! I wish a very informative adventure :))))

kanishk said...

Never, on pain of death, would I enter one of those spas. Work From Home

Rachel said...

That is a whole different perspective on communal hot tubs! I never thought of it as sharing a bath tub. Too funny!

Sage said...

I want one for my garden, just for me and my other significant half... certainly not prepared to share it with strangers and the like... I consider it an outdoor bathtub minus the soap that is... xx

NaomiG said...

Yeah, SO Gross!!!! Totally agree... I could never say it as cleverly as you tho. I would love to have a hot tub at our house for us, but then I'd have to share it with people who came to visit us. Some of them I'd be ok with, but others, not so much. So, that's not in the cards I guess. :-)