Things I Have Said To My Husband Today

• No
• No thanks
• I said no
• I don't want to pull your finger
• Because I know what will happen
• I do know
• Because I've been married to you for years
• It will not be different this time
• It won't
• Because I've been married to you for years
• And every time you pass wind
• Pass wind
• It's the polite way to say it
• I'm not doing it
• I don't think I'll be pleasantly surprised this time
• I'm not doing it
• I'm sorry if you're getting desperate
• Stop hopping around
• I know it's trying to come out
• Well just go to work
• And do it in the car
• Sorry if that's no fun
• And your boss doesn't like it
• Your finger does not need to be pulled
• It's not a biological necessity
• Or a unique quirk of your physique
• Please don't try to dance your pecs when you say that
• I'm sure it does impress your boos
• And the lady at the checkout
• Because I've been married to you for years
• Just get ready for work
• And put your finger away
• You will not burst
• I assure you
• Stop hopping
• Oh, ok
• I said ok
• I will make it a good one
• Let's just get it done shall we?
• Give me your finger
• There
• All better?
• What?
• What was I supposed to be pleasantly surprised about?
• Oh
• Well
• Yes
• I suppose it is your best yet
• Yes aged oak with citrus undertones is what I was going for

Things I Have Said To My Mother Today

• Oh hello
• I didn't realise you were coming over
• No you didn't
• You didn't warn me
• Well I'd have remembered
• And been out
• Yes I suppose you are here now
• A cup of tea?
• Oh OK
• Yes the milk's fresh
• What's that?
• Your own mug?
• I do wash up properly
• And use good tea bags
• You really didn't need to bring your own
• Why don't you just sit down
• And stop dusting the door
• Over there
• On the chair
• You don't need to do that
• Put a napkin on the chair
• Before you sit on it
• Because it's clean
• OK, but just sit down
• Lovely
• Errr
• Mother?
• Those are interesting boots
• Hmm
• Very red
• And shiny
• And knee high
• Yes you were lucky to get them in your size
• I do like them
• It's just that
• Well
• They're a bit
• Um
• Prostitutey
• It's not a rude word
• What woman in what shop?
• Which shop did you go to
• In town?
• At the bottom of Mill Street?
• Err
• Was this shop woman rather large?
• And tall for a woman?
• Any sign of an adam's apple?
• No, no
• It's just that it's a transvestite shop
• Transvestite
• You know, women's clothes in men's sizes
• Well some men like to
• That's how you managed to get large boots
• Lot's of men do
• Sorry?
• I thought you said like dad
• You did
• Ah
• Err
• I'll just pretend I didn't hear it
• I'm not being prudish
• I'd just rather not know
• Yes I suppose I do know now
• What girl's day out?
• You and dad?
• No thanks
• I said no
• I really don't want to join you on your next one
• Because dad in a dress is not my dream excursion
• I'm sure he does look very becoming
• But I'd rather see him in his gardening trousers
• Like I'm used to
• I'm very sorry that he finds the look restricting
• And rather drab
• But it's just for a while
• Until I leave the country