Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Model Behavior

I have been terribly remiss about updating this blog, I do apologise and I know you will all be breathing a sigh of relief that the absence isn't because of My Mother's bunions again. Thanks to dad's ministering of God-knows-what they're healing nicely (cue global out breath and subsequent raising of CO2 levels, sorry Mr Gore, forget industry, three inch stilettos are where the problem's at).
It's just that I've been lazy, lazy and a little tired. I do love my family, despite what you all may think, and I do love being a stay at home mum, sometimes. But it's been a long time, over six years of being home alone with a baby/toddler/preschooler and I could do with a break. One which doesn't involve finding something new to do with Jack during the day.
Mother and toddler groups just don't cut it anymore. There's only so many times I can stand in a circle, gripping a child's hand to make him/her stay beside me while waving enthusiastically at the teacher during Hello Hello It's Nice To See You; and I'm not sure how long I can stand to look surprised to find my knees again, or how long Jack can put up with me whispering fiercely at him to make him stay during ring a ring o' roses so I don't have to hold another mummy's hand. The biscuits at the end of the session are a small consolation I suppose, but they do insist on giving the children all the good ones and us mummies the ones that look suspiciously wholemeal. I'd do a lot for a custard cream.
Anyway, during one such session last week (where I rebelled a little and neglected to find my knees), I came up with a great idea to make mummy and toddler sessions (there are no daddies in ours) a lot more fun: Male Model Teachers.
Think about it, it's perfect. As Carlsberg would say, this, Ladies and Gentlemen is probably the best playgroup in the world. The Male Model Teachers (TM) could have a uniform of simple, ripped jeans while their torsos could be all oiled and ripped too.
It would mean that the Hello Hello It's Nice To See You song could have a lot more meaning and feel to it, you know? It really would be nice to see them; crikey you'd even arrive early to see whether they actually change into their uniforms at the village hall as the rumours suggest.
Jack and Jill going up the hill would be a chance to snigger quietly as you winked at each other through the version that has them coming (snigger) down with a daughter. And the Goodbye Goodbye song could provide its own opportunity for pathos and real regret as those glistening pecs were put away for another week.
Biscuit time would be changed forever, especially as the wine suggestion was taken up (and paid for generously) by the committee. Conversation would flow as we all waved away the wholemeal biscuits, and failed to look longingly at the custard creams. Who needs custard creams when you're watching your oh-so-slim figure? (this is a fantasy playgroup remember).
I do hate to gloat, but this really is a simple and quite honestly genius way to transform the lives of any stay at home parent. Groups with dads in them could include female models, or any peccadillo really as long as you clear it with the committee. Let me know what you think, and any models out there looking for a change of career, do get in touch, I'm setting up an agency.

16 comments:

AnyEdge said...

Alright MH, I'll serve if I must. I can provide the ripped jeans and torso: you'll need to provide transatlantic airfare and an excuse to my wife.

AnyEdge said...

No that I think about it, need the torso be mine, or might I just post you a heap of them?

Expat mum said...

Even though mine are all at school now, after 16 CONSECUTIVE years with a small child in the house at least part of the day, I think I deserve honorary membership in this party, I mean, children's activity.

NanU said...

my, goodness. I'd forgotten how horrible all that stuff was.
You sound like you need to join the Mums Fed Up with Being Surrounded by Little Kids group. Ironically, every last one of those other smiling mums playing Rosie are probably in the very same spot.

London City Mum said...

The children's school has gone from none to three male teachers in the space of 6 months, one of whom is the very dishy new Year 4 teacher.
Surprise surprise there were plenty of volunteers amongst the mothers to be class rep this time.
Sadly I fell short of the list as my eldest is only Year 2.

Still, lots to look forward to!

LCM x

nappy valley girl said...

Oh I'd be on for that. Those occasions definitely need livening up. Forget the custard creams, could the Mummies get chocolate cake and champagne?

diney said...

I would love to say that you will miss those toddler sessions when youare no longer doing them and your children are older, but I would be lying - I shudder at the memories!!
Glad Mother's bunions are ok!!!!)

Eva Gallant said...

sounds like a brilliant plan to spice up play dates!

Summer said...

Where do I sign up?

Mud in the City said...

I'm in, and willing to invest in your proposition. As long as I can be deeply involved in the recruitment.....

It's a Mummys Life said...

Lord alive those toddler groups are just HIDEOUS! My child always wrecks the joint and I find it hard to engage in small talk when I'm worried about the church being ripped apart by my offspring. The tea is stewed and the biscuits are normally in short supply. Would LOVE this idea, give me a male model anyday over over enthusiastic NCT types.

Belgravia wife - sort of said...

Actually this is simply brilliant - this may sound, ahem, wrong. I used to go to a happy clappy run by a rather attractive young male vicar - oddly the group had a waiting list and a rather fun end of term party....xx

Paradise Lost In Translation said...

You've clearly given this a lot of thought! I admire your dedicated & meticulous planning, leaving no shirt unturned.

Muddling Along Mummy said...

Count me in ... please

clo said...

Do you think I'd have time to fly over every week for it?
And is a 4 year old too old for providing and excuse for mummy to watch handsome men *ahem* I mean being involved in a play group?

Mother Badger said...

I'm yet to make it to toddler group (my little one is only two months old), but I'll work on reforming the local groups to this format...