Things I have Said To My Husband Today

• Oooh thanks
• Lovely
• I do love my birthday
• No no that's fine
• Lots of little ones are great
• I don't need a big present
• Hmmm
• I wonder what it is
• Oh
• Err
• Lovely
• Yes I know
• I know I need a new mug
• It's great
• It's 
• Just
• Well
• It's pink
• And got a willy for a handle
• I'm sure you did have a laugh
• I'm glad you enjoyed shopping
• For the first time
• Yes yes
• What a funny shop girl
• I bet she does have great taste
• And loves willy mugs
• But
• Well
• What do I do when friends come over
• And they see me with a willy mug
• Oh
• I see
• All of them?
• Six?
• I do like matching sets yes
• It will be a talking point
• I do like lots of presents
• I just didn't think they'd be willy themed
• Should I expect willy mugs in every present?
• Excellent
• Excellent
• So there's nothing else?
• Oh
• Ok
• I'd love one last surprise
• I'm glad you're excited
• Yes I'm excited too
• Hmmm
• I wonder what it is
• Oooh
• A sleeping bag
• Yes I did need a new one
• It's just
• Well
• It's in the shape of a willy
• Yes I do appreciate the theming
• It will be lovely and warm
• What do you mean that's not all?
• What else could there possibly be?
• Oh
• I see
• I'm glad you got one too
• Yes it will be fun camping
• We will look good
• Ohh even better
• Yes that's certainly the best bit
• I'm really glad they zip together
• Excellent
• Yes I get the joke
• Two peas in a pod wasn't exactly what came to mind
• You're right
• I am the luckiest wife ever
• I can't wait to go camping

Things I Have said To My Husband Today

• That’s lovely
• Thank you
• Yes I do
• I do love being on holiday
• With you
• Of course I like being with you
• Well
• Because
• Well
• We’re married
• And that’s what married people do
• What do you mean bored?
• Why would I get bored/
• Who’s bored?
• You
• Ah
• Right
• Ok
• Well
• What would you like to do?
• What football?
• In Spain?
• Oh
• Well
• Ok
• Just this once
• You’re not doing me a favour
• I don’t need you out of my hair
• You’re not very annoying
• Yes even when you dance
• Please don’t dance
• I like your jokes
• Inappropriate is good
• No
• No I haven’t wished you had someone to play with
• Waiting for what mates?
• We’re in Spain
• You don’t know anyone in Spain
• So you don’t have any mates
• You’ve what?
• Invited who?
• Pokey, Stu and Bucket Head?
• What do you mean I’m welcome?
• Oh good Lord Jesus Christ
• Yes
• Yes I hear it
• Go and open the door then

Things I Have Said to Pokey, Stu and Bucket Head Today

• Oh
• Hi guys
• Yes
• Lovely to see you too
• No thanks
• No thanks Bucket Head
• I can do my own suncream
• Really
• Well I tend to yes
• Well always
• I always wear a bikini top
• No
• I never take it off
• Not even now
• I know we’re in Europe
• I don’t mind looking like a tourist
• I don’t mind standing out
• Please stop nudging each other
• And grinning
• Standing out is not a funny phrase
• Very mature Pokey
• Pretending to have boobs is a classic I agree
• You’re all very funny
• Here you go
• All of you
• It’ll get you an ice cream
• Yes you can spend it on beer
• Now go and watch the football

Things I Have Said To My Father Today

Hi Dad

It's me

Fine thanks

Yes, yes fine

All fine yes thanks

No I don't want to speak to mum

Well, you

Ok

Well

Err

Right

Um 

Well a package arrived addressed to you

At my house

Oh right

Glad you're not surprised

Oh that's lovely of you

Well I suppose surprises are nice yes

Mum does love surprises

Especially on her birthday

Well anything would beat the trowel you bought her last year

Or the comb from the year before

Yes she does use it daily

On the cat

The Internet is magic yes

All sorts of things

Excellent

I'm glad you're having such fun with it

And enjoying ordering surprises

It's just

Just

Well could you come and get it sometime

Before her birthday

Well I'm very sorry for ruining the surprise

But it's been sitting on the mantlepiece

And vibrating

And Jack asked me all about it

And made a rrrr ing noise

Well I said that you'd ordered a razor

And then it vibrated off the mantlepiece and the packaging split

Yes I did like the colour

Very nice

Well a sort of purply pink I suppose

It does suit mum's colouring yes

Could you come and get it?

It's just not suitable here

I left it on the floor

Rrrrr ing

Would you want to touch it?

Oh good lord

I don't need details thanks

I know we're all grown ups

No thanks

I really don't want to try one

It's not an investment 

My future happiness is fine

I don't care if there's a sale

I don't feel I'm missing out

Honestly

How's what going?

What do you mean in that department?

We're fine

I won't thank you in the future

Please don't suppose anything

Or make suggestions

He won't look at me with new eyes

No more details please

Could you just come and get it

Please

Ok

Fine

I'll think about it

I know how to work the internet thanks

I'll look it up

Yes I promise

And we'll never, ever mention this again.

Old Kid On The Block

Crikey restarting this blog is like starting school all over again, except this time you're the old and wrinkled one sitting at the back wondering where your friends went and if any of this new bunch bought a corkscrew.
Firstly, I don't know my way around this new fangled blogosphere, the corridors smell funny, there's no set seating for lunch and my spot with the comfy grass round the back of the bike shed has been taken. I feel a Pile coming on.

Secondly, I've got to make new friends. Which is painful, I'm terrible at it, I tend to fall over my words and make inappropriate jokes about anything that comes to mind. I was once introduced to a Mum at the school,  and all I could think of to say was:
"Haven't you got even teeth"
To be fair she had got really really straight teeth, but this was in answer to the question "is this your puppy?" Which it was, so I should have just said yes and would you like a stroke? Of the puppy not me hahahah - see, I do it on the keyboard too. I mean, would you be friends with me? Doubtful, I steal (WHY, why do I do that?)

Anyway it's been four years away from this blogging malarky, my new career in interpretive dance went quickly by the wayside, apparently interpretive dance still means you actually have to be able to dance. Which the Cruise Liner didn't specifically say on the advert. Also, turning up dressed as a pantomime cow to the Captain's Welcome Dinner was seen as an interpretation too far even though we were having beef. Honestly, no sense of humour the lot of them.

 I did try and lighten the dinner up by taking up the captain's hat and spreading my arms out wing-like and singing My Heart Will Go On but he just looked crosser and went red. In one last attempt to get him to bloody cheer up, I winked at him through my costume and suggested I'd like him to draw me, "wearing this (tugging at cow costume) and only this" Flutter flutter, simper. So that was the end of my interpretative dance career.

Last year I went to register as a childminder but they suggested I take a breathalyser before the next interview and to consider carefully if this was the career for me. Obviously I insisted that it was, I'd be ace at it.  I've got two kids of my own and they're alive, and I've had one of them for ten years, speaks for itself really.
"Hand me a couple of kids and I'll show you" I said winningly, "come back in ten years and they'll be alive, I SWEAR". 
I don't think they could find any children that needed minding that week so I didn't get to do that job.

Eventually I did some dog walking, no one really interviews you for that and dogs don't talk. You can tie them up anywhere - anywhere!- as long as the General Public can't see, and have a sit-down, a bit of a snooze, anything really and get paid for it. The dogs are really grateful too, especially if you wear your cow outfit. They think you're trying to be their friend.

But I missed the blogging, Mistress of my own domain, charting my own course, laying wherever I set my dogs, and I think I'm dead employable online; it's anonymous, you can't tell whether I passed the breathalyser and I have endless, endless inappropriate relatives. Lucky, lucky me.
And lucky you for getting to join in.

Will You Have Me Back?

I know, I know, bloody fickle. You close one blog down four years ago, only to beg, weep, sob gently into your Pinot in sweeping gestures of contrition in hope, nay, prayer, that you'd have me back.

I'll be good I swear. I'll post regularly, I'll give credit where credit's due - all hail Husband's underpants and general lack of hygiene for most of my fodder - and I'll fill you in down below with all the smutty innuendo you can swallow. 

If, if, you'll take me back I will endeavour to give you a four to one smut ratio. 

So, rather hoping the answer will be a yes, I'll make good on my first promise - see, I can be trusted*

Here we go:

Husband

Still smells

Has learned to lift the toilet seat while spraying. We threw a party.

Is working on the spraying using a kind of plastic bottle contraption he, Pokey, Stu and Bucket head worked on together.

Is trying to patent his Spray-Away

Decided to become vegetarian for a year until he discovered bacon is meat.

Has switched from beer to cider for health reasons.

Measures his bald spot in area rather than circumference and enjoys remarking on how long until he can feasibly buy a merkin.

Has agreed to change his underpants at least every other day 

Says hello to you all and would like me to remind you that he's four years older and therefore wiser. Quite.

Twizzle

It turns out Twizzle is allergic to his own fur. It seems we picked the only self allergic, incontinent dog on the planet. Lucky, lucky me.

Also, his ears drag in the water when he drinks out of his bowl and we have to peg his ears up with a clothes peg. Picture it.

Also while I think of it, he humped the baby sitter last night. Just thought I'd share that, it's not really an update, rather a tally.

Isla

IS TEN. TEN!! And away at pony camp learning about Really Expensive Hobbies and things you can buy to accessorise Really Expensive Hobbies. You can get bling stirrups and everything.

Is bringing out a line in pony hair dye and non pierced hooped earrings.
Continues to out smart, out cool and out socialise her mother.

Jack
Is seven. I was going to put that in block capitals with an exclamation mark and everything but meh. Your second's way less exciting when hitting new ages. Sooo last season, as Isla would say.
Has decided that he wants to be seven when he grows up and mistakes the black and white pony Isla rides for a cow.

My Mother
Still has a key to my house.
Has decided to outwit Shirley-the-Competition this week by forgetting to water her plants for her while she's away. "that'll teach her to reach above her station and go to Istanbul" Sniff. My Mother pronounces Istanbul as Standing Bull.
Asked Husband if he could get dad a merkin when he finally bought his.
Still wears boots from the Transexual shop.

Dad
Has found a new place for the porn mags. My Mother once took an interest in his potting shed and moved the seed trays. There were Words.
Has started trying to work the internet.
Has replaced his paint stirring stick with much mourning. He wore a black band for a week, with a playboy bunny appliquéd at the side.
Is talking to Barry Next Door again when they both lost to Clive From Down The Road in the Most Knobbly Cauliflower competition. They're working on a carrot-shaped beetroot prototype with an eye to a Most Hilarious Vegetable rosette.

Millennium Housewife
Continues the quest for stable sanity. It's all down to you.

*Cannot be trusted