Things I Have Said To My Father Today

Hi Dad

It's me

Fine thanks

Yes, yes fine

All fine yes thanks

No I don't want to speak to mum

Well, you

Ok

Well

Err

Right

Um 

Well a package arrived addressed to you

At my house

Oh right

Glad you're not surprised

Oh that's lovely of you

Well I suppose surprises are nice yes

Mum does love surprises

Especially on her birthday

Well anything would beat the trowel you bought her last year

Or the comb from the year before

Yes she does use it daily

On the cat

The Internet is magic yes

All sorts of things

Excellent

I'm glad you're having such fun with it

And enjoying ordering surprises

It's just

Just

Well could you come and get it sometime

Before her birthday

Well I'm very sorry for ruining the surprise

But it's been sitting on the mantlepiece

And vibrating

And Jack asked me all about it

And made a rrrr ing noise

Well I said that you'd ordered a razor

And then it vibrated off the mantlepiece and the packaging split

Yes I did like the colour

Very nice

Well a sort of purply pink I suppose

It does suit mum's colouring yes

Could you come and get it?

It's just not suitable here

I left it on the floor

Rrrrr ing

Would you want to touch it?

Oh good lord

I don't need details thanks

I know we're all grown ups

No thanks

I really don't want to try one

It's not an investment 

My future happiness is fine

I don't care if there's a sale

I don't feel I'm missing out

Honestly

How's what going?

What do you mean in that department?

We're fine

I won't thank you in the future

Please don't suppose anything

Or make suggestions

He won't look at me with new eyes

No more details please

Could you just come and get it

Please

Ok

Fine

I'll think about it

I know how to work the internet thanks

I'll look it up

Yes I promise

And we'll never, ever mention this again.