Things I have said to my three year old today.

• Don't touch that please, actually do touch it and put it in the bin.
• The bin is the big grey thing in the corner.
• There's no bag in the bin, please just put it back on the floor where you found it.
• Mind out please, that's Jack's sick and you might slip on it.
• What would you like in your hair today?
• Well you're getting pig tails.
• These hairbands match, pink doesn't match red
• Barbie does not wear red and pink together, I think you made that up
• OK Barbie does wear red and pink together
• Barbie would be ever so pleased if you wore the red hair bands
• The rain comes from the clouds
• The clouds are leaking because they're full
• Full of rain
• It's like a big bag of rain
• Water floats up through the air until it reaches a cooler atmosphere, there the gaseous water (vapour) condenses and cools to form droplets which cling together to form a cloud
• God makes the clouds cry and that makes rain
• Please don't put daddy's gel in your brother's hair
• Abby's mummy probably knew the secret word that opens the sweet shop
• No, I don't know the secret word
• Yes, perhaps we can ask Abby's mummy for the secret word
• No, I can't message her on facebook
• When we get to pre-school please don't mention that Jack weed on mummy's trousers and mummy didn't change them
• Oh ha ha ha Isla, you're such a joker, of course Jack didn't wee on my trousers
• Tell the teacher it was a joke
• Could you just say you need the toilet rather than explaining exactly why?
• Because no one wants to hear that
• Fingers aren't for eating with, a knife and fork is for eating with
• Ok except carrot sticks
• And hamburgers
• And humous and pitta bread
• And sandwiches
• Ok only eat with your fingers when I say so
• Ok eat your bolognese with your fingers, that's exactly what I was going to suggest anyway