Wednesday, 24 June 2009

Well Done Google

Now I know I've written about it before, so it will come as no surprise to any of you that I have a stat counter on this blog. Before you all gasp in middle class horror and nod knowingly to each other that you always knew that I was the type, I know a lot of you have them too. You do, there are ways you see of telling, not least because most of us can't resist putting the live feed box onto our blogs. Ha! Got you, so no more smirking at the back please and you can remove yourself from Judgement Corner before I do it myself with force and a threat of no pudding after tea (dessert after dinner to my American readers, I'm harsh but fair).
Anyway, as most of you know, this little stat counter can tell you all sorts of things, the most intriguing, and downright entertaining being the google search words that people put into the search engine and thereby find your blog. As I recounted in A Rose By Any Other Name many of these are downright inappropriate and excitingly pornographic, and again I can only extend my heart felt apologies to anyone coming to this blog (sorry) via such searches as housewife tied to stool with dog or housewife beating milkman with bamboo for the banality you are faced with (you are facing the computer aren't you? There's no panting sound track with this blog, yet another disappointment, I suppose I could record the dog after a run if this would help?).
The thing is, after a while you get a bit immune to these searches, even a little bored. There's only so many times you can snigger at sex-with-a-housewife requests before you begin to tune out and hum a little tune at the ordinariness of it all. Surely, surely someone can come up with something better? Something to brighten my day a little? Something a little more imaginative than plain old sex?
Well, they did. Today, just now in fact. And for reasons that will become clear, I am a little concerned. Scanning down the Google searches in a quiet moment at my laptop, looking for the pathways of readers (only out of interest you understand, although Nunhead Mum of One I notice you've been absent for a while, twenty lines please: I must read Millennium Housewife every week, everyone else, take note), there it stood, in italics:


I Shot Myself.


I shot myself? Who? What? The cliches are running out of my mouth before I can stop them (although this image may please some of the porn searchers out there). Who on earth thinks: oops I just shot myself, I'll just boot up the computer and check the symptoms on Google before calling an ambulance? It's obvious isn't it? I'm not mad am I? It is you not me isn't it? You don't need to google the symptoms, the diagnosis is right there in front of you. You shot yourself. Therefore you have a giant piece of pointy metal somewhere in your body. The clue as to where could be the great gaping hole spurting blood, the one that looks a little worse for wear. In fact if you're feeling a little dizzy, this may be another clue and I'd dial the hospital quite quickly.
What did they expect? Did google answer with a concise and neat link to selfdiagnosis.com? Or perhaps bring up a lesson in self bandaging and bullet removal? No. Of course it didn't, because Google would then be sued for allowing someone stupid enough to shoot themselves to find a website that stupidly advises on self-removal of a bullet in a stupid manner. And Google isn't stupid.
Instead, of course it sent them to me. So, err, sorry about that person-who-shot-themselves. Sorry if you've just read all the way down to this bit while bleeding, possibly to death, only to find I'm not going to advise you on bullet removal. I'm also sorry about the calling you stupid bit, especially if this is the last thing you ever read. I feel a bit bad about that. Still, if you survive, you could always sue Google for not providing you with the life saving website you were looking for, that might be fun. If you're still able to read at the moment try calling 999 if you live in the UK, or 911 in America, I'm afraid I don't know any other emergency numbers for other countries, even though I live in Europe. But that's a debate for another day.
So, as you can see, this is why I'm concerned, what happened to the person who shot themselves, no one that stupid could possibly survive could they? (again sorry if it's you and you're still reading, I'm presuming you're on the floor right now). And what about me? Was that the highlight of my google searches? Am I doomed forever more to dog and housewife couplings, never again to be enthralled, delighted and disturbed in equal measure at the horror of the story unfolding on my stat counter. I hope not. Poor me (and poor you if you're the shot-one, and well done for bothering to read the post, there's lots more if you care to scroll down).

21 comments:

scaryazeri said...

Funny!!!
A for the widgets...
I use google analytics. I thought, to be honest, of adding the live feed, blah blah...But since I have not done it straight away, it only counts visitors from the day you set it up. which makes my (yet very new and therefore, not that BIG) blog look even worse! I need some gadget that would show all the data, from Feb08.

scaryazeri said...

hey again,
saw your reply...thanks for that. can you recommend which stats to install then? when you have a min...

cheers!!!

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

I get tickled by the searches I see, too. And seeing who (or what) comes to visit can be fun, too. Or alarming . . . I've been visited by the Department of Justice a few times. Wonder if I should be worried . . .

Deb said...

I could relate to this and have also been concerned with some of the searches and how they get directed to my blog. It is an odd world out there. Take care.

Clare W said...

Strange but true. I have someone, presumably the only person in Irkutsk in a yurt online who visits me. Obviously needs tips on how to make new felt and embroidery it to patch up her abode.

Rol said...

Maybe they were just considering shooting themelves and wanted to check google and see how many survivors have written about their experiences.

Or maybe you were being googled by a ghost... hmm, I'm liking that idea.

Hello, by the way.

amy said...

so funny! I got a search once about hairdressers and dentist directories??? i bet they were especialy dissapointed!

Brit in Bosnia / Fraught Mummy said...

I'm quite upset that one of my top google searches is for 'stodgy cakes'. I know my baking leaves a bit to be desired but I'd rather not have that as a defining feature! (coming a close second is poo poo face - I'm not even going to venture into that!)

But I shot myself. That one will take some beating.

Mud in the City said...

It is so fascinating to find out how people find you and where they are reading from. I was visited by Road Runner in NYC last week. I had no idea he was online! I hope he wasn't the one searching for "mud granny fetish"....

Potty Mummy said...

My top search seems to be 'swearing, French style'. As if I would. (Merde - I've been caught out.)

Tattie Weasle said...

Oh I wish I had read this before I blogged! Potty alerted me as I have just blogged about the joys of going topless meaning taking the roof off my sports car and not anything else - ooops!
Great read.

Expat mum said...

Always the late comer to any trend, I am tempted to put the gadget on my blog just to have something to write about!

scaryazeri said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Working Mum said...

But why would Google send them to you? Is there something you're not telling us? Has there been a shooting related accident in your past?

auntiegwen said...

The people who google search me are truly weird, my searches are completely bewildering.

Helen Romeo said...

I love the whole analytics thing. If nothing else to relieve my own boredom....poor frustrated stay-at-home mum! One great one was via google search for: "What to do if your 15-year old forges your signature"...I actually then wrote a post saying I'd done it myself at the same age...not that that would have helped the poor searcher much, possibly bank account emptied by college age son's friends at gatecrashed party??
Another terrible addiction are counters. Yes, and Followers. I am a great fan of yours so try my best not to be a teeny, weeny bit jealous of your leagues of Followers. Hits I can't compare, I've only been in existance 2 months or so (oh sad woman to bind my identity to a blog - almost!). But, all the same, a gilt-edged sword all this feedback stuff!!
(keep it up, MH - wonder if that'll bring some dodgy searches to you?!)www.frustratedstay-at-homemum.blogspot.com (no sex there either I'm afraid...)

Debbie said...

I think I have some sort of counter but I've never really figured out how to look at those google search things. That is probably good because I'd spend all day obsessing over how people got to my blog!

Nota Bene said...

I love to see how people have tripped into my blog...but I'm weening myself off a bad addiction to the stat counter, so haven't looked all this month :-(

nappy valley girl said...

Ooh, ethical dilemma - you know their IP address so should you alert someone that they've shot themself? (Although by the time you saw it on the stat counter, surely too late....)

I've had some very pervy searches on mine - schoolgirls in nappies, etc etc. It's a weird world out there.

Sara said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog! After reading this blog, I wonder how you found mine. What did you type into Google? ;)

PiNG aka Patti said...

I love my google searches! The only thing that bothers me is that apparently the name of the town in which I live also happens to be the name of some, apparently, often searched for porn woman - or something.