Monday, 16 November 2009

Oh Glory Be

Ok, so I covered myself in glory on Saturday night. Glory I tell you. Award winning glory, glory worthy of Husband tutting and shaking his head. When Husband tuts and shakes his head at your inebriated state you know you're in trouble, and any sensible person would hot foot it to the taxi rank, pour themselves into a cab and attempt to get themselves home.
But no. I'm not sure why or how, but for some reason after a small barrel of wine my brain doesn't begin to shut down and home in on water and ways to get home to bed sharpish, oh no, my brain takes on a whole new personality and begins to think it's Madonna. Forget my two left feet, forget the three inch heels, forget the poise, the elegance, the stomach-in-shoulders-back stance I have been studiously practising all evening, I am Madonna. Forget also the good impressions I had been cultivating, the attempt at witty repartee, intelligent head nods and discreet laughter, fielding tricky questions with a light hand and clever twist. I am Madonna. I can dance (in three inch stilettos), I can sing, I am sexy and above all everybody (everybody.) wants to see me perform.
This is the point where I become Material Girl and move seamlessly from try-hard dinner companion to all singing all dancing queen of the evening, and there is absolutely nothing anybody can do about it. Not only that, but Material Girl is not shy, not a wallflower bone in her body and Material Girl absolutely and utterly has to have a stage. Any stage will do, but even better if it's up with the band, because Material Girl deserves a stage, needs a stage and knows that her performance will be the highlight of the evening.
Material Girl also thinks she is sexy, very sexy indeed, and that every dance move she makes with her forgotten two left feet is sexy too. And she thinks that mouthing all the words to the songs impresses everybody, and that suddenly three inch stilettos are easy peasy to dance in and refuses to remove them because it's not professional. She also thinks that every other person on the dance floor is watching her in impressed awe wishing beyond words that they could perform with such effortless sexiness while simultaneously holding a bottle of wine aloft and mouthing all the words to Hi Ho Silver Lining. I mean, how does she do it? they're all thinking, brains, long lyric remembering skills and sexy, we might as well give up and just watch her. Material Girl knows this and dances even more sexily and requests encores of the songs she knows best. Material Girl fights hard not to be dragged off the stage by Husband and instead shows him exactly why he was so lucky to marry her in the first place.
Except last Saturday night.
You see there was a wire, one teeny little wire attached to the guitar stolen from the lead guitarist that Material Girl was playing with incredible skill and dexterity, as well as managing to sing the entire bridge of Show Me The Way To Amarillo (such talent). But as I said, there was a wire, a wire that wrapped her feet and snaked slowly to her ankles before tightening suddenly and upending Material Girl, gashing her shin with the sharp sticky out bits.
Alas, Material Girl was no more, she was taken sheepishly and gingerly to casualty and sat as the doctors sniggered as Husband explained in what can only be described as intense detail exactly how the injury had been sustained.
Poor Material Girl I hear you all thinking, and you'd be right. Thankyou for your compassion as I sit here tapping away, leg swathed in bandage, brain ticking away trying to think of an entirely un-alcohol related reason for the injury to recount to my parents. Thankyou for what I know will be only kind and understanding comments in the comments section as my unshaveable leg grows hairier than next door's dog. And thankyou also for paying tribute to the last ever performance of Material Girl.
I hope you're proud of me.

25 comments:

Mud in the City said...

Very proud.

And as someone who very recently had to deal wiht the stubble-growing-through-scab situation I can tell you that it is a great look, will only increase your sex appeal and in no way makes your leg look like hedgehog roadkill. Honest!

Moannie said...

Gosh! What a story-at least you went down fighting like a goodun, and with a tale that will give you, and husband acres of fun, well, hubby who will trot it out at every family occasion. Not some wimpy, oh dear, I tripped on a math stick story that no one will remember. Brazen it out, proudly and with head held high [but not so high that you can't see where you're going].

5thsister said...

Oh my goodness! What a tale!

But at least you had fun, right?

Sara said...

LOL Well, at least the husband took care of you. Too funny! Hope your leg gets better soon.

AnyEdge said...

I was Major Tom.

Nota Bene said...

Drunk? In casualty on a Saturday night? *Shakes head slowly*

Amy said...

lol!! a great story at least your were having fun before the whole leg gashing thing xxx

London City said...

Fabulous. Any photos?

LCM x

Eva Gallant said...

I so wish I could have seen the Material Girl in action before her demise! lol Sounds like one hell of a good time!

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

So proud. And you remembered every detail -- also a major accomplishment.

Kelly said...

Come one! Don't retire yet! When that leg heals up, I bet you could so rock it all over again! Just watch out for that wire!

Enjoyed my visit from SITS!

geraldgee said...

Put your best foot forward....

Expat mum said...

Oh my god - I was literally cringing with embarrassment reading that. You could have been writing about me (in a former life of course). My husband always jokes that he needs to get me home by 11 because I often get a 2nd wind and start "performing". IN my case I am very versatile and can either do a rocking Madonna or an equally impressive Gene Kelly. I tap danced till I was 18 and for some reason, am always tempted to take to the stage when I find myself on a tiled kitchen floor, having imbibed quite a bit. Aarrgghh!

Tooting Squared said...

Ah, yes. I can relate. Except that rather than being a dancing queen, I am hilarious. Really, really, really funny. A laugh a minute.
*cringe*

Maddie Grigg said...

Madonna topples from her pedestal. And finds she is a painted terracotta replica rather than made from finest Italian marble. Get well soon.

More than Just a Mother said...

I can see nothing wrong in this story. Where is the shame? This is an average Friday night down my neck of the woods...

nappy valley girl said...

I think Material Girl should definitely have an encore, once the leg is better. What was that old Madonna song? "I get up again, over and over..."

Tooting Squared said...

Hope that, with time, it's smarting a little less (the bruised ego, I mean, as well as the leg).

By the way, drop by my blog if you get five minutes - you've won a wee prize!

MummyMug Cecilia said...

LOL! hey, I can only echo those who encourage you to let your hair down again once you're on your three inch heels again! :-) if nothing else you surely inspired me to let go and put on the dancing shoes for once - realise it was waaaaaay to long ago, and yes, I'll gladly risk the trip to the emergency - am sure that the fun will make up for the possible pain!

Expat mum said...

Just had to give you an award for this hilarity!

AnyEdge said...

Dear MH, please visit. I've found you honorificabilitudinitatibus, and thus honored you.

Debbie said...

Now that sort of thing can happen to anyone!

The Peach Tart said...

oh honey, we've all been there

clo said...

Beyond proud. That is fantastic! Material girl needs to come back though...she needs to redeem her performance and let her fans know that she's still got it, even with a hairy bandaged leg :)

Denise Burks said...

This falls into the category that I like to call:

Really Awesome Reasons I Love Myself
(that are really embarrassing, too).

My list of things that I do that are totally cool, yet hard to look at in the bright light of day is long.

May your list continue to grow!

Denise Burks
www.successinthesuburbs.blogspot.com
www.stepmotherinthesuburbs.blogspot.com
www.successfulweightlossinthesuburbs.blogspot.com