Monday, 11 January 2010

The Ten Commandments

It will come as no surprise to any of you that I routinely spend January making and breaking my New Year's Resolutions. So on Husband's suggestion, I'm going to give myself rules. Rules, apparently, cannot be broken. But we'll see.

  1. Thou shalt not lie with thine son, no matter how much he screams and cries. You will only wake up squashed against the wall with Buzz Lightyear grinning manically at you and a smell of nappy wafting gently through the air. You will get no thanks for this, only more whining and smug satisfaction from Husband that he got the run of the bed.
  2. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wine. They probably didn't pickle themselves in December, and are probably on the same bottle they started last week. You, on the other hand can barely remember Christmas and had to tip the bin men to take the extra recycling box away.
  3. Thou shalt visit thy Granny every week. Despite the fact that she spends the whole time pointing out that the woman in the next bed looks like the transsexual actress from Coronation Street. You will even nod politely as Granny invites the entire ward to meet the actress and wonders loudly about the bits that were removed, even though the lady in the next bed is not hard of hearing.
  4. Thou shalt show an interest in your dad's potting shed. And ignore, to the best of your ability, the porn hidden under the seed trays.
  5. Thou shalt help your Mother clean your house. This will be a bonding time for both of you. You will, under no circumstances, flinch if she mentions: Dog hair, the whereabouts of the box of sex toys she gave you for your birthday, cobwebs, Husband's prolific use of toilet paper, the smell in the bedroom, Dad's virility, lack of suitable cloths, using effective contraception until you find a decent man, how it was when she was a girl.
  6. Thou shalt be on time to pick up Isla from school three times in five, and show the teacher that you're not 'slightly unhinged with OCD tendencies'.
  7. Thou shalt be more understanding and giving when Husband nudges you in the back. Even at 6am.
  8. Thou shalt invite Pokey, Stu and Bucket Head for dinner, and not: Cancel at the last minute, disinfect the house prior to and after arrival, make jokes using words longer than two syllables, request ID, laugh at Husband laughing at them, serve dinner in a bucket, complain about the vomit.
  9. Thou shalt not lie to: the doctor, dentist, giving up smoking nurse, police about the scrape on their car, your Mother about her chances in the lightest sponge competition, Dad about noticing the porn under the seed trays, Dad about porn in his dashboard, Dad in general about porn, Husband about his bald spot or any matter to do with sizing of anything at all. This is a minefield.
  10. Thou shalt not blame hormones for any or all of the following: Lack of libido, cobwebs, takeaway for the fourth night in a row, crying at Notting Hill, crying at Star Wars, crying at any baby passed in the supermarket, chooching babies and making a choochy noise while in the supermarket, elbowing Mothers out of the way to chooch their baby, being irritable when Husband steals your chips, forgetting that you drank the last bottle of chardonnay, being cross for cross's sake, bad driving, mounting the curb while driving, forgetting to indicate while driving, putting lipstick on while driving, gaining ten pounds, spending the mortgage on a dress, writing sarcastic things on your blog.

42 comments:

Expat mum said...

Oooh, I think you can go easy on Number 7!

Chef E said...

You always bring a smile to my face!

5thsister said...

I hear you about #2! LOL!

AnyEdge said...

7 is critical.

Summer said...

My husband wishes that #7 was on my list.

Ladybird World Mother said...

Love it. Will attempt the same... although ten will be well hard... always blaming EVERYTHING on the hormones. What the hell can I blame it on without them? xx

NanU said...

But where will we be without the sarcastic things on the blog? We will think you have fallen into the clutches of evil lobotomizers, and either a)send Everybody over there to help, or b)read some other blog.

Vicus Scurra said...

Yes, young lady, this is all very well, but if you succeed, whatcha gonna blog about? I bet you didn't think of that, did you?

Kelloggsville said...

so why keep a blog if sarcasm is out? and do not under any circumstances do number 8 - if you so much as show husband that you have even cracked open the window then the door for those poker nights will never close again.

Ice Queen said...

I think I'm really going to have to work on my own version of #9. Isn't that what the new year is for?

Boz said...

Well, it's hard not to talk to parents about their hobbies...

(Brings whole new meaning to pricking out seedlings, though).

St Jude said...

Oh no sweetie, you can't live without hormones.. trust me, I'm now onto the nether end of them, (I have no idea what I will do when they have gone), and they come in wonderfully handy for all manner of occasions.

Eva Gallant said...

My question is: Are those carved in stone?

Jo Middleton said...

That is a lot of pressure you're putting on yourself there! I broke my wine resolution on January 2nd and don't hold out much hope for EVER getting to school on time.

Loved the post :-)

Just Breathe said...

This is such a cute post.

Herding Cats said...

Number 10 is going to be rough :/ Well for me it would be!

nappy valley girl said...

Oh, those are just too draconian. I'd do badly on 2 and 10 (always cry at Notting Hill...)

Jen @ After The Alter said...

Can you cheat?? lol Those are some serious resolutions/commandments! I hope you can keep them!

natural girl said...

Good Luck I thnk you're going to need it!! Especially with #10 - we are women we cannot get through the day without blaming stuff on our hormones!!

Clare Wassermann said...

I routinely refuse to make New Year's resolutions and when it comes to Lent the only thing I can give up is hope...x

Alyssa said...

This is brilliant...did I say brilliant I meant BRILLIANT!!! LOVE your blog I am following and can not wait to read what you write next one of the best I have read to date!

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Wow! That's some mother you've got! Progressive. ; )

Nicola said...

Hysterical and inspired. Thank you for this. I really needed cheering up today and this was just the ticket.

Sara said...

I need to do 1 and 3 and 10 had me laughing out loud. I'm sarcastic to the core, so I love any and all sarcasm. :D

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

Chooching babies!! Love it. I do love your style of writing and look forward to the continued "Things I said to my husband today" - there must be a book in that?

Nezzy said...

Did ya'll have some help bringin' those off the mountain? Heeeheehe! They are just hilarious.

Ya'll have a fantastic day filled with the blessings of laughter!

Mike said...

Your husband will be happy with #6. Crying during Star Wars. I'd say it's hormones.

Together We Save said...

These are great!!

Mud in the City said...

Phew. Good luck!

Although personally, I always enjoy an evening with Buckethead et al. (even better when it is at your house!)

A Confused Take That Fan said...

Your dad has serious porn issues. Please tell me your mother does not buy you sex toys. What is wrong with them?? Please send them on some tantric Sting and Trudie run course for their next birthday so they can get it all out of their system...
I thought people stopped thinking about sex once they'd had children. You mean it comes back?? With a vengeance?? Interesting...

Paradise Lost In Translation said...

Wow, so you like to set yourself a challenge! I'd fall at the hormone hurdle that's for sure.

Nota Bene said...

Commandments are there to be broken.

Young Wife said...

My favorite is #3. Are we related some how? Because that sounds very much like my grandmother! Stopping by from SITS.

Shell said...

These are so funny!

I could never do that last one- I love blaming hormones for everything.

Working Mum said...

Good luck with that lot!! LOL

PhotoPuddle said...

No.2 reminds me of my bottle bank shame this weekend. Hadn't taken any glass to be recycled since before Christmas so I had a huge bag of glass items to be thrown away. I must point out that yes there were *a few* wine bottles but this covered the whole of Christmas and New Year and there were also an assortment of jars and things. Still, doesn't look good does it! (My photo of wine corks on my blog is not helping my case here. LOL!)

No.10 - Don't underestimate hormones. They CAN be blamed for everything!!!

Potty Mummy said...

Number 10? If I can't blame that lot on hormomnes, I'm busted.

http://reluctantmemsahib.wordpress.com said...

fantastically funny as ever. and i loved the christmas present exchanges too. all best for 2010. x

Tara@Sticky Fingers said...

Ok. How about I just pinch every one of those as my own cause they all sound like they could pretty much relate to all others (except maybe the Pokey, Stu and Bucket Head thing) and then just break them with you. There, I feel so much better now.

Joanne said...

Hilarious! Thanks for stopping by my blog. Have a great day!

Joanne @ Ready, Set, Craft!

Fee Fee Le Bonk said...

Fab-bloody-tastic!! You're a comedy genius!! Love it, love it, love it - funniest thing I've read in ages xx

magically ordinary said...

So glad I stummbled across your blog. Just fantastic!