Monday, 25 January 2010

Make Love Not War

My two year old has decided to potty train himself. Yup, I know what you're all thinking: stupid, weak Mummy strap a nappy on with sellotape and bribe with chocolate. I've tried! I've tried! But he figured out that vaseline de sticks sellotape on the first go, and I already bribe with so much chocolate that I suspected myself of attempting the hostile takeover of Cadbury's.
So he remains nappyless, with not a clue what to do without one. All he knows is that Buzz Lightyear (second hand) pants are far preferable to Barbie nappies (I had a lot left over from Isla, everybody swore blind that boys don't notice what they wear. This is no ordinary boy).
I didn't want him to do it, I wanted to wait until he was three, no strike that, I didn't want to do it at all. I've already done one and the dog, and the latter ensured any excreta training of any sort lost it's appeal. In fact, if I had my way, I would have happily (I think) stayed pregnant for a few more years while my unborn weaned and toilet trained himself in utero. In fact, if he'd done a few exercises and generally put a bit of work in, he could have walked out one day all finished, nodding at me with a sullen wave and a mutter of you're so embarrassing and it's not fair and behold I have a teenager all prepared and ready to fly the nest. If I'm honest, giving birth to a teenager seems an attractive option right now, a little more painful perhaps but to have bypassed the potty training bit? You've got yourself a deal.
Why didn't I think of this years ago?If I'd just had a little strength of character and concentrated on panting instead of pushing, I could have been the first woman alive to produce a ready done adult(ish).
Plus, I could have made a mint out of it. Think of all the book deals, titles like Don't push, sit on it and be patient you idiot. All your problems are about to be solved, come abounding to mind. I'm sure there's something snappier out there but be fair, I've only just thought of all this. And surely I could have sold the story to the tabloids? Think of the field day, the boosted sales as all women want to get in on the act. The Sun could even run a competition asking its readers to guess the amount of dilation needed for a teenager. The prize could be dinner with me. Fancy that, being a prize in a paper.
Obviously my newborn teenager will be incredibly embarrassed at all this attention, but hang that, I was pregnant for fourteen years, yes! try coming back from that one boyo. I will have had ample time to prepare for his most hormonal years and will even tolerate his 'Make Love Not War' T-shirt with a wry smile. I know it's not original, you know it's not original, but hey the lad hasn't been around long. When I discovered the Make Love etc slogan I wore it with pride and no bra. Now there's a statement. I thought I was The Girl, The Pacifist, original and braless until My Mother pointed out that it was her generation that came up with the slogan and the idea of going braless.
"And we did dear"
"Did what?"
"Make love not war, it didn't stop the war but it was a lot of fun. That is of course until your father knocked me up and my dad hit him on the head with a nut cracker until he agreed to marry me. He's still got the bump."
Quite.
Anyway, my Granny informed me that it was her generation that came up with the making love not war thingy, and that they could never afford bras anyway. Granny without a bra, now there's a slogan.

19 comments:

Robert said...

Make love not war was invented by men. And it doesn't work.

Men want to make love all the time. All women know that. And it is a women's job to make a man wait. Or she will have never-ending headaches. Or it will be "that time of the month".

Eventually men give up trying to make love. Making war is much easier.

See, wars are totally the fault of women.

Kelloggsville said...

..but no amount of stitching would fix the dilation for a teenager and wee'd on carpets are replacable. Also, contemplate the pelvic floor after 14 years - you may not need to potty train the child but you, my love, will have lost it completely!! No theory rethink required ...Gaffer tape! If you gaffer tape the nappy on does the nspcc have to get involved? Surely they would understand....

Tara@Sticky Fingers said...

Giving birth to a teen are you kidding me? I'd swap potting training for 'woteva', hormones and sleeping in until 2pm any day of the week!

And your word verification is: barmsy - think it's trying to tell you something

Expat mum said...

Oh my how I laughed. Here - I'll send you my two teenagers and let's see how you feel about a 14 year gestation after that. There's a saying "Little kids, little problems; big kids, bigger problems". - For a reason ;-)

rosiero said...

Think of the pelvic floor exercises you would have to do after popping out a teenager. You'd be doing them all day. You'd have no time to retrieve the month-old sandwiches from under their beds and the mouldy glasses of milk!

Eva Gallant said...

I loved that post, but I think you really have to build up your tolerance over a period of time to survive the teenage years!

Herding Cats said...

As a middle school teacher, I have to say...teenagers are a pain in the ass too. But god, I can't even contemplate potty training at this point in my life right now. Good luck!

Devoted said...

I laughed out loud reading this... Alas, it won't be but a moment and they will be adults and you will be telling them that potty training is the least of their worries! ~D

brainella said...

Consider this episode to be training for teenage angst. You might long for the days of potty training in about 12 years.

Mud in the City said...

Wonderful writing as ever.

If you decide to develop this little project do let me know - just think of the business opportunities in maternity wear? No longer a matronly tent as you only have to wear it for a couple of months - for a 14 yr gestation (and that's only for 1 child) it would take over the fashion world!

hausfrau said...

Wonderful fun, but as others have hinted I'm afraid bringing up children doesn't get easier, just different!

natural girl said...

I agree with all you other comments. I have a 17 year old and how I wish I only had toilet training to worry about!!! Treasure the moments trust me they young years fly by.

Clare Wassermann said...

Yes it's truly a fab idea. But consider your waters breaking after fourteen years of pregnancy. Tsunami.
By the way MY word verication is Mater. Ha!

Sara said...

Potty training can "just happen". Good luck!

Granny without a bra. Interesting. How low will they go?

Nota Bene said...

You mean they're supposed to be toilet trained by the time they are teenagers? My one pisses all over the seat when he forgets to lift it and the rim the rest of the time...

Muddling Along Mummy said...

Toilet training scares me - hope that yours 'just happens'

geraldgee said...

What nonsense,I came from under a gooseberry bush as did everybody else

Rebecca said...

That whole bit about the 'make love, not war' thing was cute and funny. :)

tammy said...

LOL...I was looking at your comments and Eva's fit my thoughts exactly. You NEED those years before they hit teens so you can develop a strong intense love for them and you have to work your way up to a teen. Potty training is easy compared to teen years. My 4th is hitting preteen years...but she is my FIRST girl. Lord help us all!! :)