Thursday, 11 February 2010

Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Retold.

Once upon a time in a land far away there lived a family of bears, Daddy Bear, Mummy Bear and Baby Bear. They were a little unusual for a bear family however in that they eschewed the traditional bear family set up and attempted to fit in with the local population by donning clothes and living in a house in the woods. They had been vegetarian for some time and Mummy Bear usually dished up bowls of porridge at each meal. She was not known for her vegetable based repertoire and missed the days when a nice fresh salmon would suffice.
One morning Mummy Bear woke late and rushed the usual porridge order serving it up without a thought as to its consistency or temperature. Baby Bear’s porridge, luckily, was just right, but hers was too cool and Daddy Bear’s far too hot, much to his disgust. They decided, as any family would, to go on a nice walk while Daddy Bear’s porridge cools down, by which point Baby Bear’s porridge will be cold and Mummy Bear’s congealed, but hey ho, that’s what you get for appointing Daddy Bear the head of the family.
While away on their walk, from the other side of the forest came Goldilocks. A deceptively sweet looking girl and as yet unfettered by an ASBO, she was allowed to wander freely about the forest. She decided to do a quick break and enter into the Bears’ cottage just to see if they lived on that foreign muck that her mother claimed they did. Goldilocks wasn't sure what foreign muck was, or why it made her Mother sniff so loudly when she mentioned it, but she was going to find out. All rather exciting actually.
On entering Goldilocks spied the uneaten porridge and having only had Coco Pops herself for breakfast, she decided to give it a try. Finding Daddy Bear’s porridge too hot and Mummy Bear’s too cold, she settled on Baby Bear’s and giving no thought to hygiene finished it all up.
Golilocks’ body reacted to the strange, sugar free breakfast and began to shut down, so she decided to go upstairs and have a little rest. On finding the three single beds that the Bear family occupy rather chastely during the night she tries each one out in turn. Daddy Bears is too hard, mainly due to the plank of wood Mummy Bear inserted under the mattress to help his sciatica. Mummy Bears is too soft, she should never have removed the base and given it to Daddy Bear, sciatica or not. Baby Bears turned out to be just right and Goldilocks fell into an oat induced slumber.
On returning from their walk, the Bear family found Baby Bear’s empty porridge bowl. Baby Bear was secretly pleased and crossed his fingers that Mummy Bear had some Crunchy Nut Cornflakes hidden somewhere. In a fit of temper at having their home invaded the Bear family marched upstairs to search for the miscreant. The Bears found Goldilocks asleep on Baby Bear’s bed and roared in an unfriendly and uninviting manner. Goldilocks woke startled, and fearing for her life ran from the house. Mummy Bear managed to snatch at her ankle, but the electronic tag was all she could grab hold of and it came away with ease. Goldilocks disappeared into the forest towards an uncertain future and untimely motherhood. The Bears retired to discuss What The World Is Coming To over a bowl of porridge.

13 comments:

It's a Mummys Life said...

Love it, Goldilocks with an electronic tag. Very funny. Hurrah for a new post. Was looking forward to this!

AnyEdge said...

I think the truly subversive element is 'untimely motherhood'.

Reminds me of Sam the Sham and the Pharohs verson of "Little Red Riding Hood"...

'you sure are lookin' good, you're everything a big bad wolf could want....'

5thsister said...

Love it!

Eva Gallant said...

Good one! the ankle "bracelet" was just the right touch!

Devoted said...

Laughing out loud, here! I'll never read the story the same again!

Clare Wassermann said...

roll over Roaul Dahl. Nice one.

Mud in the City said...

Subversive nursery rhymes - you have a great future!

Chatterbox said...

Loved the entertaining twist you added to the ending :D

Keep up the wonderful work buddy :)

Cheers!!

Nota Bene said...

mmmm. Well clearly what you need is Quaker Instant Apple and Blackberry oats from Waitrose. £1.99 a boz with six individual servings in. Other flavours available. Then everyone would be happy...and no thieving intruders

It's a Mummys Life said...

Have given you an award at mine

http://reluctantmemsahib.wordpress.com said...

oh my. brilliant. an even more modern day take on revolting rhymes. just perfect. Goldi with an electronc tag ...

Heather said...

and no doubt had the locks changed and got themselves a guard dog too!

Never was sure what that story was supposed to be teaching children about... an excellent modernisation.

Cass said...

Hilarious- have just discovered this blog and am trying to catch up this is fantastic