Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Get Over Here So I Can Kick Your Ass Personally

OK guys, I've signed up for a Bootcamp. At the risk of being accused of attention seeking (moi?) I'm going to give you another chance to read that sentence in lots of little dramatic sentences: I've. Signed. Up. For. Bootcamp. Did you hear me at the back? Audible gasps please and a change of background scenery if you will, to one befitting GI Jane et al, complete with abs you could mistake as breasts. Because that's going to be me! Me! With breast abs and everything. Just imagine, Husband won't know whether to jump me or milk me (a gross too far? Sorry mum).
I still can't quite believe I've done it. I mean, I am far, far away from the ab thing (I won't mention the breast thing again, a case of over milking the cow don't you think?), about several vats of Chardonnay and hours of Oprah reruns away. If I ever do attempt any sort of exercise, and sitting down and standing up count, I only succeed in making everyone else gasp at their own relative super-fitness as I stagger behind sounding like an asthmatic wombat. I did once (once) drag my sorry soggy arse (Americans that's Ass to you, I put it in the title to help, sometimes I'm all heart) on a 5Km race only for it to take so long that the bin men picked me up on their rounds the next morning. By now you're getting the gist: Me+Exercise=Diseased Wombat+Soggy Arse, not an equation I would like to foist on any adolescent maths class.
So I'm quite pleased with myself really, it really shows determination and forward thinking doesn't it? In fact, I'm positively a forward planner, gasp at my organisational skills! Marvel at my strength of character! Envy my multi tasking endeavors! (you have to move arms and legs together you know). In short, this is a fantastic achievement for me.
Obviously I have yet to start the bootcamp, the first session is on Thursday, but still, it says a lot about how far I've come surely?
And I promise I'm going to do it, every week and everything, not least because I've paid £97 for the privilege. Yup, mouths closed please, £97 of my hard earned cash. £97 for someone to kick my ass, and it's not hard to miss; it's been used in emergencies to hold up dams.
I have paid someone to shout at me, make me run around outside, get me muddy, sweaty, laugh at my nail varnish, and generally abuse me in much the manner of a psycho. I have, in short, rented a psycho, one who I plan to meet alone at 8.30am (this just gets better and better doesn't it) in the park. Reading this back I conclude astutely that this may not have been my brightest moment.
Not only all of the above, but psycho shouting person has furnished me with a welcome pack. Do not be fooled dear reader as I was that this welcome pack includes anything so welcoming as a cheery hello or a lighthearted suggestion that I go shopping post haste for some shiny new exercise gear. Crikey they didn't even throw in a free chocolate bar, surely, surely the cornerstone of any great welcome pack?
But oh no, this welcome pack contained a five page diatribe of all things I have to give up: food, chocolate, alcohol, sex, (joke, Husband, joke) during the next four weeks, and all the things I'm expected to do: exercise, not ask questions, run at the double, cry only when instructed and keep an honest food diary.
Which is my sticking point to be honest, I mean how on earth am I expected to keep an honest food diary without lying? I'm working hard on it obviously in case I starve but really, why include the word honest? It's just more abuse as far as I'm concerned, why can't they just say keep a food diary then I can write whatever I like. In fact I'd keep Paula Radcliffe's diary, that'd impress them, think how much praise I'd get for that; they may even furnish me with a medal, Oprah would have me on her sofa, I'd jump up and down on it vigorously shouting "I love it! I LOVE it! Then everyone would know I had a film to promote and go and see it. I'd then have a baby that looked like Katie Holmes and all would be right with the world. See where lying gets you? A Hollywood career and a pretty baby that's where.
Anyway, I've been working through the night and I think I can wing it; I can call chips potato (which is good for you, baked, no butter), ice cream could be frozen fruit dessert (I will put fruit on the chocolate midnight cookie ice cream), dairylea sandwiches could be savory protein spread on wholemeal bread (I will put some wholemeal flour on the white bread), mayonnaise could be egg and olive oil smoothie, wine could be organic grape juice (I will buy organic wine) and pizza could be finest Italian bread with sieved tomatoes and savory protein.
But chocolate? Cake? I'm all out of ideas.
So here's the competition: the best viable alternative names for chocolate and cake wins a picture of me participating at bootcamp*. It'll be worth it I swear**

*may not be picture of author
**not a guarantee

8 comments:

Nota Bene said...

So be honest...when you signed up did you assume that Bootcamp was something to do with shoes?

Eva Gallant said...

I just completed bootcamp...but it was Bloggy Boot Camp, was only one day, involved a lot of sitting, followed by cocktails, a cookie bar, and fun conversation. I guess that's not the same thing.

diney said...

He He! Sounds hellish! He! He!
(do I sound sadistic?!!)

brainella said...

My friend goes to bootcamp at 6am every morning. I think she is a bit nutty -- 8:30am is, at least, a bit more reasonable.

I don't exercise in public -- I'd rather not scare small children.

Summer said...

No chocolate. No alcohol. There's alcohol in wine, right? Okay. No. This is kind of like the time you weren't going to eat cheese, but I'm a little bit more concerned for your safety. Just sayin...

Eliza said...

Great post :-) I'm racking my brains trying to think of alternative names for chocolate and cake, but it's 3.30am. If I get any bright ideas I'll get back to you.

hausfrau said...

Well chocolate is clearly 'bean curd' and as for cake I think 'oat cake' or even 'unleavened bread' might cover it... There is a flaw though: if the object of the 'honest' food diary is to 'prove' that you're helping with the bootcamp's aims... The only way I do any exercise is by paying in advance; but Pilates once a week is not acieving the necessary level, and I'm not giving up alcohol, chocolate or cake for anyone!

Paradise Lost In Translation said...

wholemeal carrot cake (is actually q healthy) U cd juts pop a carrot on top of yr choc gateau... And as for chocolate; dark chocolate or 70% cocoa solids choc is v gd for u. Lots of iron & gd for the heart. (you cd always count the 25% in milk choc 3x over, & u get 75% cocoa solids (espec if u ate all 3 bars at once, u wd scarcely be lying at all;o)