Sunday, 5 September 2010

Things I Have Said To My Parents Today

  • I came as quickly as I could
  • Well it sounded pretty urgent
  • When you phoned
  • You know
  • You phoned about twenty minutes ago
  • Saying get here quickly
  • Well
  • I got here quickly
  • Where's mum?
  • Out?
  • Well what's the problem
  • What chaffing?
  • Where?
  • Oh crikey
  • Just tell me what it's like
  • Uhuh
  • Umm
  • Errr
  • Well dad it sounds like you have piles
  • Piles
  • Haemorrhoid's
  • Little painful sores
  • Where do you think?
  • Around err
  • Around um
  • Well where you said it was painful
  • I'm sure it's nothing to worry about
  • No thanks
  • No no, that's fine
  • I said no
  • Please Dad
  • I don't think an inspection is necessary
  • Oh Lord
  • Well
  • Err
  • Yup,
  • Definitely piles
  • Well I can see them
  • Yes they are impressive
  • I'll take your word that they're worse than mum's
  • Oh Hi Mum
  • Yes it's me
  • Looking at Dad's piles
  • What do you mean you've inspected them already?
  • He said it was an emergency
  • And that you were out
  • You were where?
  • Getting pile ointment?
  • Well why did he get me to come over?
  • Oh
  • To see if they were bigger than mum's
  • Thanks dad
  • I'm sure they are
  • No thanks Mum
  • I really really don't want to compare
  • I wouldn't be useful
  • Or impartial
  • Well I'd probably go blind
  • And have to call a therapist
  • I'm not being dramatic
  • Or over reacting
  • Oh OK,
  • That's a great idea
  • Yes, you call the neighbour
  • I'm sure Barry would love to be the independent adjudicator
  • I'm sure he is very fair at scrabble

13 comments:

Nota Bene said...

I'm so glad I've had my dinner already...

Expat mum said...

What's that they say about the child becoming the parent?

Eva Gallant said...

OMG! PLEASE tell me that is not real and that you made it up!

Kelloggsville said...

doesn't it really annoy you when they do that? It really gets my goat when mine do it!!!!

clareybabble said...

I am cringing at the thought of me EVER having to see my Dad's naked bum!

Mud in the City said...

No daughter should EVER have to go through that! Here, have a strong gin...

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

Oh MY GOD! *wipes away coffee from screen*

I take it you've booked yourself in for therapy?

hausfrau said...

So glad I wasn't drinking my coffee or I too would be desperately mopping up: wonderful as ever!

AnyEdge said...

My question is: why didn't you just turn and run away, possibly screaming and weeping and gnashing your teeth, right around the "No no, that's fine." point of the matter? I mean, really, I'd have alarmed the neighbors with my panicked flight!

Clare Wassermann said...

hilarious. you may need to call the therapist I think

Frog in the Field said...

I'm crying, you're SO funny.
....unpleasant, but funny ;D

Sara said...

Jeez! Did your eyeballs fall out of your head? I don't even wanna see a whisker in the area of where the sun don't shine. Piles. My gawd. I'm dying laughing.

BPOTW said...

Truth is stranger than fiction!! Great laugh!