Friday, 10 October 2008

Twenty Reasons Not To Get A Dog

  1. They steal your Granny's iced bun
  2. They search and rescue empty cigarette packets from the bin and leave them on the floor, leading your mother to concluded that you have yet to give up that occasional cigarette habit
  3. They rub their bottoms along the floor in front of your boss
  4. They bark heartily at anyone under 2'2" but not at Big Burly Man
  5. They attempt to mate with dogs blatantly too large to attempt mating with
  6. They dig up your new turf causing the gardener to get cross and refuse your cake
  7. They attempt copulation with anything, including your new Magi Mix
  8. They chew your husband's used socks proving lack of any hygiene skills
  9. They chew the buckles off your new shoes
  10. They think that 'sit' means attempt to snatch the biscuit out of your hand in two alarming leaps
  11. They enjoy watching you shout their name loudly and desperately across the park for several hours
  12. They think your car is a portaloo
  13. If you're camping, they will see it as an opportunity to eat raw sausages/show up your lack of dog control/bark steadily and consistently through the night at a volume only you can hear/use your car as a portaloo/sleep on your husband's head
  14. They attempt to catch every fly they have ever seen by leaping generously around the kitchen knocking over your cup of tea
  15. They rub their bottoms across the floor in front of your dad
  16. They prompt many many questions from your children about mating/attempts to mate/mating habits/your own mating habits/general biology of mating
  17. They eat the cork of the wine bottle thereby forcing you to consume the entire bottle
  18. They attempt to mate with dogs that are blatantly too small to mate with
  19. They crush smaller dogs in mating attempts
  20. They cost you thousands in replacing small dogs


Anonymous said...

I want a dog now!

At least that would provide me with an excuse for #17.

Nota Bene said...

21 they jump up on your favourite chair
22 the shed more hairs than there are down the plug hole
23 they steal the entire bed when you're lying in it
24 they cost a fortune to take to Cyprus

ADDY said...

25. During the day they sleep on your bed with their bottom on your pillow.
26. They lick their genitals in front of the vicar.
27. They cost a bomb in vets bills
28. They cost an even bigger bomb with their pet passport to France.
29. They cause total heartbreak and create a void when they pass on.

John said...

jeez millenium (and you other guys). You so do not know how to encourage anyone to have a dog.

But, MH, it is clear you have a Very Naughty Dog who either has worms or blocked anal glands. Plus whom you have utterly failed to discpline.

Thorndyke, more than 100 years ago, showed that animals increase behaviours that result in good outcomes (for them) and reduce behaviours that result in back outcomes.

Thus if looking wistful at the dinner table results in you being thrown a scrap, well then looking wistful at dinner table is what you will do.

And MH, tell me that you don't smoke. You are *so* naughty. Naughtier than your dog.

John said...

Or even "bad" outcomes. [Thinks - must proof before I hit the button].

Clare Wassermann said...

I dislike dogs so much that no way will we have one so we have got to put our rabbit Henry in for audition in school musical production as Toto in The Wiz. Toto ate carrots too didn't he? Anyway I told the kids he did.

SAVanVleck said...

I have a visiting rabbit. She couldn't go back on the plane. She poops in her food (if you don't put the dish in the corner she wants).

I'll take the irritating Chihuahua I have, who:

Was just attacked by a moth.
Knows and responds properly to well over thirty-five words.
Will do anything for you, including come, if you call her like life is fun.
She barks at company, until they sit down and make themselves at home.
Except for: large men and all UPS drivers. She hates brown.

Anonymous said...

Number 17 is the sole reason I own a dog. Two dogs. without my dogs I might go mad in outpost. Or perhaps that's without the corkless vats of wine i am obliged to consume?

ADDY said...

jolly good yarn - I think this was all written slightly tongue in cheek. Dogs are wonderful and I would not be without one. They are such wonderful companions.

Anonymous said...

All those above and
30. They do deadly "passing of wind" and blame your guests
31. They leave chew sticks everywhere for you to tread on in middle-of-the-night-visit-to-loo
32. They have a drink and ALWAYS wipe their dribbly mouths on my lap/legs/feet
BUT.....I wouldn't have it any other way!

nappy valley girl said...

Surely it's a bit like having children? They drive you mad, but you love them anyway.....

Millennium Housewife said...

Mud, you could always chew the cork yourself

NB, Rosiero, Nunhead, excellent additions, thankyou!

Earnest, v v occasionally, I swear...

Yarnie, there's a whole coversation there somewhere

Savan, interesting dog!

Memsahib, I like the idea of a vat

Nappy Valley, exactly.... I think

Irene said...

But they give you undying love and devotion and stay with you when your husband divorces you and love you best.

Maggie May said...

The bottom rubbing on the floor is the main drawback!
Thanks for visiting my blog. I think your post is very funny!

Expat mum said...

Oh god - I am SO torn. My kids are desperate for a dog and I quite like them. But next year is the first time in 17 years I will have all three kids at school full time. Do I really want to go and tie myself down with a dog?

Nota Bene said...

I've woken up contrite this morning and need to say that I grew up with lashings of hound, and miss not having one these for the 33 reasons not to have one, there are at least 34 to share your life with a dog...

cheshire wife said...

33. The smell of a dog can give me a migraine.

Anyway the neighbours have two dogs and that is enough.

Unknown said...

Yikes. How about the bit where you argue over what to name it cause hubby says under no circumstances will be be yelling Fifi Trixibelle up the road, so yes Nappy Valley girl, they are just like children!

Frog in the Field said...

Oh excellent.
A good one: because they eat your MIL's chickens....

Millennium Housewife said...

Irene, you're right.

MM, and thankyou for visiting me!

Expat, hmmm a whole coversation there too I think!

NB, I'm sure there are, but it depends on what said dog has done that day as to which list I subscribe

CW, never heard of that one! Oh dear poor you x

Tara, Twizzle Sportacus is about as offensive as Isal could manage

Frogy, huh?! On my way over to you x

Frog in the Field said...

Mother-in-Laws' Chickens.
My dog ate them..sad but true.

blogthatmama said...

When did you meet Lurch? Astounding, he must have a canine doppelganger, except for number
17. cos he would have finished the bottle himself before smoking the cork.

david mcmahon said...


Saz said...

all this and more......and there again we wouldn't be without ours...and the vet bill WAS horrendous last year as she becomes older and needs more care to keep her happy..just like em actually

Unknown said...

Too funny! You are hilarious! My dog has been rubbing his bum and leaving little bits of fluff on the carpet - black fluff on a light carpet. :( I think he needs groomed. :)

R. Molder said...

34 - they get fleas which are almost impossible to get rid of in warm climate.
35 - they get ticks which are more horrifying then anything!
36 - they bark loud and wake the baby.
37 - they pee on the local dog trainer - mortifying.

Carah Boden said...

I need no persuading.